It is a good thing I didn't have time to blog the last few days because I was so MAD on Monday that I would have written a scathing post. I have calmed down and things worked out (like they usually do...why do I get so emotional?!
Anyhow, after Jenna's hospitalization in May we had to wait to get the reports back from the various specialities so they could write the final report. We never got one so at the end of September I put Günter onto checking into it. (We have an agreement in our marriage that I handle all the American issues--which were many when I worked on base--and he handles all the German ones). After going the rounds with the ward doctor we got a copy of the final report faxed to us and he told us to call the chief doctor because he wanted to explain some issues to us (which made me nervous) but his secretary called and said he wanted to meet with us in person and the soonest available apointment was 18 Nov!
Of course I was upset then, but accepted it. Well, on Monday (17 Nov) we got a call from his office that they were going to cancel and gave us a--get this--MARCH 15th apointment!!!!!! That is why it is a good thing I didn't blog then. I called Günter out of his work meeting because I was so upset and had him call and talk to them. I am telling you, if I had any recourse I would have taken it. So after he explained already how long we have waited and that it was unacceptable to wait nearly a year to go over the results, they said we could still come in and we would have to wait since he was the only doctor that day and had to make his rounds and such. Okay.
On Tuesday we had 3 doctors for Jenna to get through. The first one required fresh urine so I had the FUN of a complete melt down in the morning as I tried to get that sample. I knew I had to do it first thing (yes, the kids are still waking up between 5-6 am) and tried to get her to pee in the little potty. She wouldn't. Then I put a plastic bag under the toliet rim to catch it and she got so upset and tried to rip it out and then refused to go. It was just horrible with all the screaming and tantruming she did (plus I had found out when I went to the doctor the day before that my "migraine" was really a sinus infection and I also had bronchitis). Günter did manage to get some urine after she peed standing and he plopped her on the toliet in time to catch some (then had to clean up the mess in the bathroom).
We got Niki to KiGa and then I sent Günter with Jenna to the doctor while I rested. When he came home I found out that after all that trouble the "intern" saw the urine sample and did the normal test and dumped the rest!!!! It had to be sent to Heidelberg for metabolic testing...but a miracle happened and Günter was able to get Jenna to pee a little in the small potty they had while he held the sample cup--just enough! Then they had to stick her and take blood samples to send too.
After they got back and we got Niki from the KiGa we drove to Homburg and to the genetic clinic. We found we needed a referral from the doctor but they still were willing to do the work and I would send them the überweisung. Jenna totally freaked out when he put the elastic band on her upper arm to build up the blood and I was to hold her on my lap and keep her arm straight while he put in the needle and took out two vials of blood. She was thrashing around and I was quite drained physically when we accomplished the task. I didn't want ANYONE to suggest rescheduling! They will have the chromosones analyzed and the DNA. We are trying to rule out LIS1 and a chromosonal damage on marker 22.
After we went to the chief doctor and I thought we would have to wait several hours but we were seen within 40 minutes and he spent 1.5 hours with us. This time he showed Günter the MRI results and I wrote the frame numbers down that show her pachygyria. They did an EEG and found another abnormal reading and he went over all the signs we may see if she has a seizure and what to do. They only start medication after 3 seizures. Everything else was basically what the final report said and we already knew that.
Now we wait until January then start the process of getting THOSE results.
But I am leveling out with accepting Jenna's condition. She is what she is. Her condition will not "worsen" or hopefully she won't regress (which he warned us is a bad sign) but she may continue to seem worse only because we will notice how Niki's development (or other children) is making fast progress and hers will be much slower.
I am reading a good book right now called "Love You to Pieces". Stories of families living with a disabled child and what that is like for them. It really helps me to feel like others understand and that Jenna's situation is not the worst thing.
We have been promising some friends of our that live by Stuttgart (Esslingen) to visit for some time. Finally we made it happen. The kids enjoyed their fosterchild and we all went to this area where you can find fossils in the shale. They let you do this for a price (and you can rent a pick and hammer to split apart the shale for a price too).
Today shouldn't be too bad but I have to take the kids in for immunizations and hopefully the doctor will take Jenna's blood and send it to Heidelberg and Homburg for the genetic testing and metabolic testing that didn't get done properly when she was hospitalized. I really don't want to take her to those places for them to take the blood, so I hope he can send it to them. But knowing how things work over here, they probably won't.
A few thing here in Germany that I have yet to get used to: no customer service and being inflexible.
Niki has done well since his surgery--no bleeding and he is now fully healed. He has had a cold for the last week and now added a bad cough. I was hoping for a miracle--that he wouldn't get sick after we got the adnoids, tonsils out and tubes in. A few funny things I want to record is that instead of "the garage" he calls it Ba-grage and so I tease him all the time. The other day I opened a carbonated bottle and it exploided all over and he laughed and said "brilliant!" just like a good Brit (guess he watches too much BBC). He loves hot air balloons right now. He has their playhouse be a basket for a hot air balloon. He continues to talk all the time about babies all the time. He asks about himself as a baby and loves to go to babies and see them. I wish I could have other kids because I think he would have been a wonderful big brother. He still gets confused about some very abstract words like honesty, lying etc. If I am confused and say something wrong he tells me I am lying! He also points out if he thinks Jenna or himself are a good example. I know he is learning things. He loves music and loves singing. He nevers stops talking (I think I was like that as a child).
Jenna really loves to be helpful right now. Her most favorite thing in the world is to help cook. But if she can have any job, she is pretty happy. Nevertheless, she is having a very emotional week. I think it might be connected with us pushing the potty thing more. She fights every moring to go potty, despite the rewards we have (and Niki then has to have one because he says he also goes potty), the praise and encouragement. I truly think it may be like her drooling--she doesn't know it is happening. If we put her on the potty and wait, she will go, but she has no idea of when she NEEDS to go. I am still having trouble getting the KiGa to consistantly put her on the toliet. The pull-ups are expensive and we are going through a lot of them. She is getting too big for size 5 diapers and the Germans don't have size 6 (only in pull ups).
I have had a busy week. I really want to get to a major dejunking in the house but have been either tired or busy and haven't started. I a little worried that if I don't get it done soon that the hollidays will be upon us and I won't be able to get to it until next year! My desire is to really go to minimal things--only the things that are used or are beautiful/bring me joy to look at. But I struggle because it is hard to give away things that cost money and are useful but I don't know if I will EVER use them. I keep things and haven't used them for years, so I probably won't. We found that there is an on-line garage sale (something like Craigslist called RamsteinYardSales) around here, and I tried it out but most people that agreed to buy things never showed up. There is a yahoo free group too put I think there is a similar problem. We are all so spread out that people don't want to drive 30 minutes for a good bargain (or even freebees). So I may just advertise in our church email and then take the rest to the thrift store on base.
This weekend we will be meeting friends from Erlangen. I think it will be fun. Oh, that reminds me...Günter made a surprise for me when I was on my holiday. He had Niki record his voice and was able to upload it to our GPS so now I hear Niki telling me where to go. It is a hoot!
I am not sure if yesterday or today was/is St. Martin's Day here in Germany, but Niki's KiGa celebrated yesterday and Jenna's today.
The tradition goes that Martin was in the Roman Army and he cut his cloak in half to share with a beggar during a snowstorm, to save the beggar from dying of the cold. That night he dreamed that Jesus was wearing the half-cloak Martin had given away. Martin heard Jesus say to the angels: "Here is Martin, the Roman soldier who is not baptised; he has clothed me." (As ye have done it unto me...) He left the Army to lead a peaceful life but the church wanted him to become a leader in the church. According to legend, Martin was reluctant to become bishop, which is why he hid in a stable filled with geese. The noise made by the geese betrayed his location to the people who were looking for him. Thus he became a Bishop.
They celebrate it by having a little parade where kids carry lights through the village. Niki's KiGa just colored this white bags and put them over flashlights. Jenna's class made more elaborate ones where you have a little stick with a battery white light at the end and hang a paper lantern attached around it.
Our village did a little re-enactment of the scene then the kids sang some songs and did a little circle dance and we walked around the village. Luckily the weather was cooperative (always an if at this time of the year) and it was some-what warm with no rain but a bit windy. After walking around everyone gathered back at the KiGa and they gave small bread geese for the kids and the adults could buy drinks and food. (Apparently part of the story is that St. Martin hid in a barn and the geese protected him from the Army).
I know this is blury but I like the how the lights are emphasized. Wish I knew more about the camera and could have done something special with it that wasn't blury.
The re-enactment:
The umpa band that lead us around the village while the children sang. (One song is sung to the tune of "It's raining, it's pouring..." and goes "Laterne, Laterne, Sonne, Mond und Sterne...")
I love the feeling of community that these traditions promote.
After moving to a better room I found my way to Side, Turkey (a 5 minute drive). They let us off at a bazaar area and I checked out the booths. I didn't buy much because they really start harrassing you (in a friendly way) until you made a sale. I even had to lie when they asked if I was alone--my husband was back at the hotel ;). Here is the infamous Turkish eye:
It was all over!
I got to see a lots of ruins. They were even excavating some "houses" as I walked by and you could see the mosaic floors still with their designs. This is a picture of one of the main "streets" with columns on either side.
This one is of the amplitheater:
The Great Gate (you can see the fountain which is the arch with two columns close by):
The library:
Some camels "sleeping" by some ruins.
It is hard to tell, but this is a sharp cliff.
I found a little path and walked along the edge until I came to more shops then to this:
The Roman Temple of Apollo (erected about 2nd century A.D):
See if you can match the pictures above in this map:
It is amazing how advanced they were with aquaducts, cisterns and fountains.
After getting back to the hotel and having dinner, the dessert buffet was waiting:
One evening they had a gigantic baked alaska (ice cream with meringue insulating it while it is baked briefly) and I wished I had run back to my room for the camera. As long as I am mentioning food and eating, I must say there was a down side to being alone during dinners--when I left my table (on the veranda) to go get my dessert they cleared the plate and drink and someone else was sitting in my place so I had to go find another place to sit. I was a bit embarrassed when a host asked if I was ONLY eating dessert! I had my fill of people watching, mainly at meal times. I would see if I could match which people belonged together as they walked to their tables. It was fun.
On the way back to the airport I snapped a few pictures. I wanted people to see the mountains here.
Also, this is a common site--skeleton buildings that have never been finished.
And that ends your tour, hope to see you again!
(And sadly ends my holiday).
Merhaba ("hello")! The trip was a tremendous success and Günter said I looked much younger! Ha. Really, I thourally enjoyed myself and felt very relaxed. I am now telling everyone to check their contract and see if there is a clause about a paid holiday in there--there was in mine!
Since some of my friends living here in Germany are interested in travels and want to know how to make it happen, I will say I found this trip as a last minute deal at expedia.de (if 60 days is last minute...) I checked out a lot of hotels on the tripadvisor to make sure I got a good one. (I had also considered the Canary Islands, Mallaco and a few other sunny places) for my holiday BY MYSELF (I keep having to clarify this to people--I happily went ALONE. I didn't want to feel obligated to do anything with anyone while I was there. Since I was single for so long I am quite comfortable and confident in traveling by myself.
This is the resort I stayed at. It was considered 5 star and was all inclusive (3 meals and drinks) but I would probably put it at 4 stars--which is still good.
I flew out of Zweibrücken (which was a former US military base before it closed--it has a huge airfield but is a VERY small airport) which was great since it was only 25 minutes from my home (rather than Ryan Air at Hahn or Frankfurt both about 1.5 hour drive). I flew on TUIfly and was pleased that they didn't nickle and dime everything like RyanAir. It is true that the plane took off 1.5 hours late but it wasn't their fault--there was a mechanical problem in Italy and they got that fixed (which I am grateful for) before coming to us. I was surprised that they served a light dinner (pasta) and drinks and a dessert. They had some shows playing on the TV but I just settled into my Twilight series book! It was a 2 hour flight plus one hour time zone change.
After landing and getting my baggage, I went to find the shuttle to the hotel (I knew it was a 50 minute drive). It was quite late by then (after 11 pm) and there was a young child that was crying the whole way and all of us were glad when we arrived at our various hotels. During the drive I noted a few things: surprisingly, gas was even more expensive than in Germany(!), the Turkish people are very patriotic--their flag was hanging every where and lately though their driving seems safe they drive down the middle of the line, so there were two lanes marked but 3 used. By the time I checked in and got my room it was 1 am. I just unpacked and tried for the life of me to turn off all the lights. I tried every light switch but couldn't get the one off by the mirror. In the end I just pulled the card key out and it turned it all off (the next day I just unscrewed the light bulbs until I discovered the hidden switch). The bathroom was all marble and the tub was a whirlpool and there was even a scale (go figure...like anyone wants to think of that during a holiday).
The next day I got up and saw a lovely sunrise.
Then headed to the breakfast--which was European style--bread, cheese and meats with some fruits.
I had an omlet every day and crepe with nutella! Here is the only picture of me:
Afterwards I went exploring. I found the Turkish bath/spa and they could fit me right in. The Turkish bath ("hamam"--if you want to read more about them, link here.) is the direct successor to the Roman bath and has had a special place in Turkish tradition for hundreds of years. Traditionally the Hamam has a domed roof with thick bottle-glass lights set into the dome that concentrate the sunlight.
After changing into the traditional 'Pestemal' a type of sarong (over your swimsuit), your body is acclimatized with warm water while lying on the hot marble slabs, then scrubbed with a 'loaf', to remove the top layers of dead skin cells and ingrained dirt. Then they soap (foam) you up by filling this cloth and swinging it around until the foam was made. It smelled like lemmon. Then they washed and massaged. It was so lovely. To end they rinse you again with the warm water while you lay on the hot marble. It is heavenly.
(Obviously I didn't take any photos but found a few to show you what it is like--there was no one else in there with me but the lady pouring warm water and scrubbing me).
Then they had me relax and drink some Turkish tea (more like apple cider) until it was time for my massage. I thought the massage therapist was quite good (and I have had massages all over the world). I have had a Swedish massage in Sweden and a Turkish massage in Turkey...I still need to hit China and Thailand! He did pressure points, adjustment (of my spine) as well as good, relaxing workout of my muscles.
Then I went to check out the workout room (which sadly I never used but it was pathetic anyhow), the indoor and outdoor pools, the children areas, the other rooms (I could peek in while the maids were cleaning).
I headed to my room and sprayed my fake tan on (and upset that it didn't seem to tan me even several hours later...) and made my way down to the beach. It was a bit of a maze--going down several elevators (or stairs, if you like) and around buildings and paths then finally to the beach. The sand was fine and warm and they had loungers with pads for everyone as well as free drinks. I was glad that they also had shade covers because I love the sun but am careful not to get too much (fear of skin cancer). It was quite noisy with all the wild jet skiiers, speed boats pulling up parasailers etc.
There were horse and camels on the beach as well as people just wandering.
But it was still peaceful with the sound of the waves and the warm sun.
I headed back to my room and felt everything was off to a great start. Unfortunately I went out on my balcony and found that the kitchen was directly below and smelled all the oil cooking as well as the workers smoking and talking. I went down to the front office to see if I could have a different room and I found that very few understand English. I gave up and went to lunch.
The buffets were quite elaborate but after 2 days you started to see no variance. It was okay because I had my favorite things to eat and I found that I didn't eat so much when someone else cooked and I could choose what looked good.
In the afternoon I walked along the beach. Here is a favorite photo I got of the rocks on the beach.
Then cut through another hotel to the main street to find a store that had cheaper batteries than the hotel (3 euros for 2 AA). I was paranoid that I was always getting ripped off as an American. I probably was. Anyhow, I found a place and bought 4 for 3 euros (I guess I should clarify that they are now accepted in the European Union and are slowly phasing into the euro but still use liras). I needed the batteries for my sound maker if I was going to enjoy my room. The shops are all about the same--shoes, tshirts and souvineers.
That evening I reserved the fish resturant and had a nice served dinner.
The first day was so relaxing and wonderful.
The next day I had another massage right after breakfast (which I don't think is a good idea because it is better to let the blood flow for the massage rather than digestion). Then I read my book at the pool.
It was sad that the days were so short (the sun was up around 7 am and went down at 5 pm).
I was further annoyed when I went to take a nap in my room to find the patio furniture inside the room and drop clothes on the balcony and the strong smell of paint with workers there.
The next morning I went to the front desk again to see if there was any chance of moving to a new room. I had good luck because the guest relations gal lived in America for a year and understood my concerns and found me another room--one with a very nice sea view and was quiet.
to be continued...
I am working on my trip update, but in the mean time I thought I would show you what was going on at home.
I had arranged the costumes and got the kids all excited. I flew out at 3 pm on Wednesday and at 6 pm our church had their trunk or treat. Since I had the camera with me, I asked a friend to get some pictures of the kids.
This is a warning to everyone, don't let your husband do the make-up! I was very happy he tired, but I couldn't help but laugh at how Jenna's circles on the cheeks are slipping down to her neck and a few wiskers are missing from Niki's face. But they still are adorable and had a lot of fun.
On Friday they dressed up again and went trick or treating to a few houses of people we know in our neighborhood (but I found out later, it was VERY few. Like, um, three). Then they stopped for a little party for kids in the house across our street.
On Saturday Günter took them to the Yabadoo place again (indoor recreation).
Sunday he took them to Oma's church and then they had lunch there afterwards (Niki told me, "We had cake and it wasn't even anyone's birthday!")
Monday and Tuesday Günter got them both off to KiGa and then went for a short day at work.
Wednesday he had to take Niki to his ENT apointment then pick up Jenna and then picked me up at the airport by 3 pm.
The kids were so excited to see me and it warmed my heart. Jenna kept kissing my hand while saying Mama. It was sweet.
The house was in pretty good condition too. I spent that evening just playing with the kids and the next day trying to get motivated to catch up on things. Including posting my blog entry. I will work on it now.
All in all, things went very well. So much for all my fretting! We arrived on Tuesday morning at 6:30 am and waited. Soon the girl that shared the room for one night (a 2 year old Downs Syndrome girl and her mother) came and we all waited. He had some medicine to make him relax and if I could figure out how to upload the video and post you would see how funny a 3 year old is...he acted like he was really on something. Giggling and not able to control his arms or legs. It was a hoot. The little girl was first up for surgery and it was about 8:10 that they came to the room and wheeled Niki to the elevator (he thought that was fun riding his bed in the elevator). In this picture he was a bit serious since he wasn't sure what was going on.
They had me kiss him goodbye in the hall and they took him into surgery. I didn't even cry or anything. Hooray for medicine! (Can I have some?!)
Then I had to wait (with the other mother) for a while. He was actually under anestesia from 8:15-8:45 (I read the chart). They came and got me while he was in recovery and was beginning to come out of it. He was crying and it was the part that just made me feel so guilty (for agreeing to put him through this) and sad to see him suffering. Eventually when I told him fairy tales (3 bears etc.) he fell alseep and so we stayed there until 10:45 for monitoring. Then they took him back to the room.
He was subdued that day and they kept him on pain medication and antibiotics. He wasn't allowed to have anything to drink (not to mention eat) until after 2 pm. Then he got some push-up pops. He gobbled down 4 in a matter of minutes. I am sure he got tired of the soft foods (puddings, white bread etc) but he endured it. The 4th day they let him have a bit more and some classic lines: when he saw a pat of butter on his plate he got all excited and as he opened it said "A present! They got me a present!" another one is once he he told me "The pudding doesn't make you sneeze!" (What is his mind thinking?)
The thing he hated the most was the IV in his arm. He would cry and tell me to call the doctor and get it out. Especially in the night this would bother him.
The 2nd day after the roomate left it was quite nice. We had our own room and I felt more relaxed. I brought cars, painting, playdough, beads, books and a variety of other things to keep him occupied. The best thing of all was the laptop with DVDs. He doesn't watch kids movies but does like to watch the BBC shows so we recorded a bunch and that is what he watched. Also he loves Dora and Signing Times.
Here he is with the "boy doctor" (really he was a nurse, but I didn't feel like trying to sort that with him).
It was a long 6 days but I finished a great book (Midwives) and watched a bit of CNN (kept up to date with the election propaganda) and a few other interesting shows too.
A few friends visited--and I appreciated that more than they can know! Günter brought Jenna every day too. Things got a bit loud then...
One day Niki asked why Oma and Opa didn't come to visit so I had Günter call and they drove 1.5 hours (one way) to see him for 40 minutes--the love of a grandparent!
This hospital experience was so different than Jennas. I was so traumatized at the end of the week with her, but Niki's almost seemed like we were at a hotel or something. They hardly bothered us and we had good food. The only thing that annoyed me was the 9 year old kid in the next room kept stealing our icecream bars. We put our name on it and eventually told the nurses when he still would take them. His own family should have brought something. Oh well. The great thing is that they let a parent stay with the child (for free) when the child is under 9 years. So I got to hang out with him and give him medicine, food and generally wait on him.
The doctor came and said Niki was healing well and we could go home on Sunday. Yipee!
Now I am doing loads of laundry and trying to get things ready for leaving on my holiday on Wednesday. This is my yearly holiday without kids or husband. I am going to the Turkish Riveria for a week on the beach and will read and relax to my hearts content. Call it my mental health break!
So expect me next post to be after I return on 5 Nov!
This morning I was so resistive--I didn't want to have the day to start. As I laid in bed I felt what children must feel when they simply are too afraid and refuse to do what they are told, no matter what the consequences. I has a flashback to when Niki had his adenoids out earlier in the year and how traumatic it was to see him fight the anestesia and after the surgery how he was aggressive. I hated seeing the breathing tube in and blood caked around his mouth and nose. I never wanted to do it again, and here I am...doing it again. When Günter left I was in that state of mind, but my mother mode kicked in and I got up and got Jenna ready and off on her bus.
Then Niki and I headed over to St Johannis Krankenhaus (the hospital). The last time I was there was for my 5th D&C--I knew the surgery team and OB/GYN only too well. That alone is a traumatic memory. I tried not to think about all this as I drove up.
I knew the back entrance (by the cafeteria) and took Niki through there. We found the office where we checked in. Then she sent us to the anesteologist. The lady took us to a small room and we went over all the risks of anestesia. Then she took Niki's blood.
After about the 4th vile Niki started freaking out. He was crying and wanted to go home. He was so upset. I just held him but was feeling tense myself. Then she finished and we went up to another room. She was going to take the shunt out because we were not staying tonight at the hospital but I asked if she would just bandage it. She didn't want to but mercifully the chief came in and he said we could (that is one less trauma for Niki tomorrow). Then as he was bandaging it Niki lost it altogether and started vomiting. I guess his is his father's son (if you remember this...). We got that all cleaned up and went up to see his room.
Yes, he was feeling as bad as he looks in the bed. After about 30 minutes some color came back into his face. We will be sharing the room with a 2 year old Down's Syndrom girl named Fiona. The great part is they let the mother stay in the room. I get to sleep in the bed right next to him and the other mother is with her child in the room too.
After a while I showed Niki the bathroom and took a little tour of the ward and then left. I had some errands to do and there is a lot to get done around the house since I won't be home for the week. Normally they keep them 7 days but if he has no complications they may release him on Sunday.
I won't be posting until I am home again. Please keep us both in your prayers!
The fall weather was so lovely yesterday that we took a day trip to France (only 1 hour from our house) to the Fleckenstein Castle. It was a bit chilly but still it was a great hike. A lot of other people had the same idea as us, so it was busy there.
They had this nice interactive building for children to learn a little about how they built castles and about the surrounding nature.
Then we went to the castle.
Here is a rare picture of me! (I am the one taking pictures.)
This was labeled as the dog room or the prison--or maybe the same. Niki liked it because the door was just his size!
They had some rooms set up in period features.
We wandered around the halls and up and down stairs and corridors. Günter remembers going here when he was a boy and they didn't have any of it closed off and they all brought flashlights and went into all kinds of "caves" and alleys--great fun to a boy of 10 years.
After exploring the place we had breath taking views of the surrounding areas. It was especially nice because of the fall colors.
In the main courtyard they had some other things displayed:
We had to bribe Jenna with an ice lolly to get her to cooperate the last 30 minutes. It worked.
And there will be a lot more ice cream in our house this week after Niki has his surgery on Tuesday to remove his tonsils and tubes in ears.
This boy totally cracks me up. Recently a friend loaned me the DVD "Dan in real life"--real cute. One of the songs became an "ear worm" and I couldn't get it out of my mind so I kept singing "Let my love open the door to your heart". Niki then asked me about where the door is to the heart and thought it was his belly button. Then he went on to tell me his heart got out and ran down the street.
This morning when he was going to the bathroom he also asked me if pee was slippery. He asked, "If pee gets on the potty do people slip in?"
Another one..."What is inside your feet?"
I made taco salad for dinner and he called "the compost heap".
All day long this goes on. It is hysterically funny.
Today I got a phone call we all dread. The ReHa pyschologist called and asked me if I could come in today--it was very important. I piled Niki in the car and drove right over.
He then told me that another girl in Jenna's class alledged s@xual abuse by one of the men (boy) that was interning there. Of course I felt sick but then slowed myself down and asked more. After this girl told her mom that his young man (16 years old) had kissed her and "touched her"--but they couldn't tell me what that meant. Did he touch her shoulder or her privates? No one knows. Anyhow, they called the police and the young man in susended from working at the ReHa. His parents went with him to make a statement. The girl that made the allegation has to go to a pyschologist to find out if there is any substance to it. If there is, they will press charges. The little girl said he also kissed Jenna and another child.
Of course at moments like this all kinds of emotions go through your mind. As I thought about it and they young man, I thought that he probably was innocently kissing the children--Jenna goes up to people to hug all the time and if she really likes something she kisses it. Almost all the kids have problems which prevent them from normal communication and so they use a lot of gestures to communicate. The little girl who alledged this is a rather troubled girl mentally and usually over reacts to things.
The teachers are usually altogether with the kids and it is doubtful that a person could do something without being noticed by the other adults. But before you get upset and think I am in denial and all, I did ask if he had ever changed Jenna's diaper. They didn't know for sure. Of course I always have a fear in the back of my mind that Jenna is a prime target for a perp since she is pretty, can't talk and wants people to like her. I am very careful who I leave her with and keep a careful eye on boys/men and try to use my "second sense" to get an idea if someone could be inappropriate.
In this case, I really think he probably gave a kiss on the cheek and even a hug--I wouldn't even find that over the edge--It is a fine line with handicap kids because they need affection too and I think it is Jenna's love language. I am not upset even if he was affectionate with Jenna. Only if he touched her privates in a sexual way. That we can never know because she can't tell us and I doubt she would even understand questions I might ask. I certainly am not going to coach her or lead her into admitting things (I have seen parents do that with kids in therapy--especially in child custody cases where they alledge things against the ex-spouse).
If it did happen, I won't know and I think she can recover quickly. If it didn't, then I feel really sorry for the young man that could be falsely accused. I have seen what that can do to someones life even when it is false.
I speak this a little from personal experience. As a therapist I saw a couple in marital therapy and the wife really was mentally unbalanced and she filed an accusation against me that I lifted my skirt and was touching myself in the session to turn on her husband (the thought!). I was investigated by my licensing department and really felt guilty until I proved myself innocent. I had to get colleagues write letters and even though they believed my innocence, they still acted strangely towards me. It was a horrible ordeal! I was cleared of course, but it was enough to make me wonder if it really was worth all the trouble being a therapist, when all I wanted to do was to help others.
So this young man's head may be spinning as he had the carpet pulled out from under him because of this. I guess people don't think about that side of it unless they or someone in their family has been falsely accused of something. That young man really was kind and caring to the kids and I never got the feeling he was creepy. And I had interviewed enough perps in my career. I had also worked with many kids that had been abused and know that side of it. It helps me to keep my feet on the ground and not over react now.
We all want to be protective of our kids and bad things do happen despite all we do. I want to prevent that but also can't and won't keep Jenna at home for the rest of her life so I can personally see who has interaction with her. I still want to believe that most people are innocent and still want to keep an eye out for the very few that are not.
I am now beginning the project of pruning the rose bushes and all the other perrenials that need to be cut back. I still see so many unripe raspberries on the stalks that I hate to chop them down. I keep holding out they will ripen and I can have a few these last weeks of the fall.
Speaking of which, I love the fall colors and crunch leaves around. Here is a lovely bush in our backyard that has this incredibly color. I love the earthy smells too. Ahhhh. Fall.
My tooth is not hurting, so I hopefully won't have to have the root canal. Today I felt good for all I accomplished but now I am in a pretty rotten mood. I guess there will be days like this.
After waking up around 3 am and not being able to go back to sleep I went downstairs and watched a BBC special on global warming and the polar ice caps. I was worried about being too tired for the day and went back to sleep about 5 am. But Nilas woke up at 6:15 so I had to get up.
I got them both ready and got Niki to the KiGa by 8 am and took Jenna to her dental cleaning apointment by 8:30. She did really well this time and they were able to scrape off some of the yellow stuff on her bottom teeth (where her drool pools up and flows over her lips).
Then we went to my doctor and I got my flu shot and got a referral I needed.
Then I took Jenna to her Pediatrician and hoped I could have her get the flu shot too, but they were too busy. I did get the referral for the ReHa (her developmental preschool) and I asked for a special referral for the 10 sessions we got permission for Jenna to see her former speech therapist that has the special training to help her stop drooling and swallow better, but the doctor wouldn't give it and said that the other one should cover it all (but the Developmental Pediatrician said we needed a special one...who know what is suppose to be done--this run around with doctors makes me soooooooo mad). He also gave me the referral to Niklas surgery and hospital stay for the 21 Oct for his tonsilectomy and tubes in his ears.
After that we went to my hari dresser and I got my hair cut. Jenna did really quite well through all this. On the way home I got gas and went to the bank for cash. Then we picked up Niki at 12 and came home to have lunch.
Good day. I went out and picked more raspberries with Jenna and debated if I should chop down the stalks but there are still some unripe berries, but I don't know if they will ripen this late in the year. I decided not to do it. I fed the kids lunch and then Niki dumped nearly a full glass of (sticky) juice on the floor. After cleaning that up I called Günter in Chicago.
I put the kids down for a nap (despite the protests) and went to take a nap myself since I felt so tired. Well after aobut 1 hour I heard Jenna and I told her to come to my room, so she did. ( This is where it gets ugly!!!)
She had pooped in her diaper and took it off and handed it to me. When I realized it was full of poop I was disgusted. Then I realized I better go find out what state the room was in. It was a horrible mess! I guess she disn't take a nap... So I stripped off all the bedding (while Niki woke up) and kept saying "disgusting" and he repeated it after me. I put Jenna in the bath and Niki went down stairs. I started the load of laundry with the DISGUSTING linen and clothes. Then I went up and cleaned Jenna in the bath. About that time I heard Niki calling for me to come that he peed. I thought, "Oh Great!" and sure enough he peed on the couch. Why?! I could have thrown his clothes in the wash but we have a front loader and once it was shut you can't open them until it is finished.
I was just so totally upset, I can't even begin to tell you. I got Jenna dried and clothes and took care of Niki and the cleaned the couch the best I could. I have no idea what the rest of ht eday will hold but it is a good thing I dont drink alcohol because I would get drunk if I did! I wish I could run away from it all. The stink won't leave, I have tried everything but it is stuck in the house...DISGUSTING!
After arranging childcare for both kids, I FINALLY got to go to the dentist. A while ago I had my cleaning and xrays and they found a cavity (it has been years) and I also had them work on the TMJ. They made a new splint that I wear most nights.
After I arrived there and was in the dental seat I asked which tooth had a cavity and it was the tooth next to my big front one (you people married to dentist probably know the technical name...) and I was surprised. I said that for the last 3-4 months I have been have heat and cold sensitivity in one of my molars so I thought for sure that would be the cavity. They tested the tooth and found the one and said that they would have to remove the current filling. They injected the numbing agent and it didn't fully work so they had to put in another shot of it. My face was so numb and unusable I felt like I had had a stroke!
After doing that they put some kind of medicine on it and a temporary thing and sent me out to come back in 10 days for the filling. Unless there is pain in the next few days, then I must go in and have a root canal. I wasn't feeling very well that evening--I had a lot of pain but kept taking what I had to deaden it. I am doing better today, so I hope to avoid the root canal. It is not easy this week to do anything since Günter is is Chicago.
I have had my share of root canals too. My earliest dental memory was in grade school when I had to get a cap on my front tooth after chasing my brother around the car and falling. Later, when my family moved to Lincoln, Nebraska, where there is a good dental school, I had all kinds of work done--including having my wisdom teeth extracted my senior year.
Altogether I think I have 5 caps and 3 root canals and countless fillings. I have an overbite and have needed braces for that, but they are too expensive and I never did it. I have teeth whitening strips I have never used (it reminds me I want to try them) and I would like to have veneers on some. My Aunt had those done and her smile is stunning.
I have always been a bit jealous of people that have nice big straight teeth and a lovely smile. I hope in heaven I have the perfect mouth and teeth, in the mean time I will do my best to keep these working.
Günter came home sick with the flu on Thursday, so besides letting him be ill I had him call doctors offices to find out about the Jenna information. As it turned out, they DID fax the final report (of her hospital stay from May) and the receptionist said the doctor wouldn't talk on the phone with us but would rather have us come into an apointment for the results from the metabolic testing. The soonest they could give us was in November! I was beyond mad about this. Of course I go to the place of worry, wondering why the doctor has to see us in person--is this more bad news?! We do know that the genetic testing will need to be redone since the doctor doing it left for a new job and didn't complete it and apparently they said some of labs are invalid. Not sure when this will all take place, but I am pretty upset and angry about the situation. I don't want to retraumatize Jenna. I just remember the last day in the hospital and the complete melt downs she had and how I was not coping too well either. Now some of it was wasted time and efforts.
Since Friday was a German holiday (reunification day of the east and west) both kids were home. I took them to try out the Pirmasens pool called Plub. It only cost 4 euros--the kids were free. It is a bit dated, but had enough for the kids to enjoy it for 2.5 hours. I managed them okay by myself except once when Jenna ran off and by the time I was able to get up she was half way around a pool, so I thought I could cut her off by going over a bridge but she saw me and thought it was a game and went back the other way. I was afraid of slipping if I ran and even more afraid of her slipping is she started running. She was close to a deep pool and didn't have her swim vest on. I also noticed that the kids were a bit rusty on their swimming. I guess it has been a while and I need to keep it up regularly (we tried to do it once a month).
When I returned Günter felt better and had to get packed since they left Saturday at 5:30 am to fly to Chicago for a QA/customer satisfaction conference.
During the day Niki discovered the upstairs intercom phone (that buzzes people in the front door from upstairs) and thought it was a phone. Funny, since it has been there his whole life and just now he finds it on the wall. He found the button that buzzed and kept pushing it. He wasked me what it was for, and I should have made something up, but didn't. (I am getting a kick out of how much of a sponge he is lately and wants to understand things). I went outside and he was laughing his head off while asking me questions like "What is your long name?" "Where do you live?" After I answered correctly he would let me in (I had my key in hand just in case).
On Saturday he continually begged me to go out the front door so he could talk to me on the phone and buzz me in. This time Jenna got in the fun. The two of them took turns running up the stairs and answering the phone and buzzing while the other was outside the door. It kept them giggling for about 30 minutes until I broke it up since it was getting dark and cold.
I spent a good deal of saturday washing linens and finally got us all out of our jammies and went grocery shopping. Then I watched our church's Semi-Annual General Conference from our BYU tv (satalite). The kids were not at the high energy level so I was able to hear most of it. It was wonderful to have that spiritual boost. I even stayed up till 11 pm and watched half of the 2nd session.
Sunday we spent the day in our pajamas. I made french toast (the kids love sprinkling snow--powder sugar--on them) and they pretended they were dogs. Funny, funny stage they are in. Niki comes up with the imaginative play and Jenna joins in. They made a dog "cage" (Niki called it) with two chairs and a blanket.
Niki has really been into reading books lately. Their favorite is Dr. Suess "Green Eggs and Ham". Niki can complet most of the sentences, which totally amazes me since I only started reading that book 3 days ago to him. He also surprised me by saying most of his alphabet correctly. He can point to the right letters too (even when I mix them up). He used to know his numbers upto 10 quite well but now he always skips 4 and 5. Also he has been into playing family and assigning roles. He sometimes likes to be a baby (and crawls into my arms to cuddle) or he "marries" Jenna (he says he is her Hosband--and that time it is NOT a typo!). He sometimes asigns Jenna to be the daddy. It goes all the way around. Quite cute. He also is still talking alot about Brutus (my deceased cat) and heaven. He says funny things like he is going up to heaven and will see Jesus but Jesus won't see him because he will hide beind a cloud. He just cracks me up! For a while he was confused about death because he saw pictures and the many statutes around in the villages of Jesus being cruicified. So he said he didn't want to die because he didn't want to hang on a cross. We cleared that up--I hope.
Jenna totally surprised me today by going potty all by herself. It is nice that as they are getting older I don't have to keep an eye on them ALL the time now. So I was doing something and she came in with her pajamas bottoms around her feet and signed potty to me. I went in and sure enough she had got the potty seat and sat on it and peed! I was thrilled. Maybe she will learn this! I was more than happy to give her some candy for this feat!
I tried to watch our Sunday session of General Conference but the kids were too wild. They both took out the purse packs of kleenex and wrapped them up with napkins and masking tape then were throwing them around. Niki said he was doing "ballet" when he would spin like crazy and crash into things. Good thing I recorded these sessions and can watch later!
I feel very grateful for my life and amazed at all the blessing I have.
This is right after the wedding, I suppose!
Some fond memories I have of my childhood is being sent by my mother out to the 1/2 acre garden with a plastic pint container to pick raspberries from the long rows. For every one I put in the container, I put one in my mouth. When I went in my mother would ask why there wasn't more...what could I say?
So when we bought this house I decided I wanted "edible landscaping" for the backyard. I am glad my dad explained last year that you must chop the stocks down the year they produced fruit because they won't produce again. They spread like crazy too.
I have found that since mine are planted right by the lavendar that they have the sweetest flavor--I think from the bees transfering their nectar!
There is nothing like poping these into my kids mouth (or mine for that matter) and letting them melt away. Heaven for sure!
On Friday the kids were invited to a Princess birthday party. I thought it might be like the one my friend Marnie had for her daughter. After the kids helped wrap the presents, I got them dressed in a princess outfit and a Knight's outfit and took the picture before we walked out the door.
It was a lovely day and everyone was out in there yard so I got to see them smile or chuckle over how cute these kids were carrying their presents along to the friends' house.
Once we got there we found that none of the other kids dressed up, so I took off Niki's things and nipped home to get Jenna other clothes. After playing for quite a while they had dinner then opened presents. This picture was before the chaos began.
It was hysterical that all the kids were like little baracudas ripping the present open. I wish I could have gotten a picture but the camera battery had died by then. One large present they all used as a drum. Five little kids all huddled around it pounding away. It was an absolute hoot.
Then they brought out the cake. Isn't is cute? They used icecream cones to make the turrets.
It was a fun to see the kids enjoy another child's party but since then Niki keeps bugging me when his birthday is. How do you explain that in kids terms? I told him it was after Halloween, then after Thanksgiving and after we put up the Christmas Tree (that is the big clue) and AFTER St. Nicholas Tag...THEN it is his birthday. I guess by number four it is a BIG deal and I better plan this one well!
Sometimes I feel quite good for all I can accomplish in a day. Today is one of those days.
5:45 Jenna wakes up and climbs in bed with me and gives kisses and cuddles
6:10 Niki wakes up and I tell him he has to go potty then he can come in bed too.
6:50 take the kids down stairs, get Niki his hot chocolate milk (his morning tradition) and get Jenna some milk, but on Tikabilla on TV while I go get their clothes, pack Jennas backpack with bibs, clothes and permission sheet and breakfast/snacks.
7:20 Get Jenna dressed (no easy feat) and do her hair (usually a big fight) and put her shoes on. Get Niki and myself dressed (yes, it means usually I don't get a shower in the morning).
7:50 Get Jenna on her bus (comes to our door since it for handicaps--the others in her bus are all teens/adults in wheelchairs).
8:05-8:25 Get Niki his breakfast and walk him to KiGa then walk home.
*this is where I should have been exercising but I went to bed and finished my book that I was obsessed with (Thomas Hardy's Tess of the d'Urbervilles).
Recieved phone call from Jenna's previous speach therapist saying she was authorized to give Jenna 10 sessions of the Castillo Morales therapy.
Talked to 2 other friends.
11:30 take shower
12:00 pick Niki up and eat lunch and get to ENT apointment by 1 pm.
1:30pm see ENT and discuss the past near hospitalization and the upcoming surgery. Had his remove my plugged ears.
2 pm stop by my primary care doctor to get a referral to the ENT so I didn't have to pay another 10 euros.
2:30 go shopping with Niki for a birthday present for a party this Saturday.
3:15 go to Jenna's ReHa and go on a walk with the class, check her stash of clothes (why is she coming home in other kids clothes?) and take her with us.
3:50 get lost trying to find a friend's house (from our church) to pick up some books. Stopped at another persons house (from our church) to get directions (debated if I should always keep the GPS in the car).
4 pm pick out 8 books from her "library".
Really I didn't do all that I wanted or planned to do, but I think the diet coke (from BK) kicked in and I feel energetic and good.
4:20 take kids to Burger King and let them play at the playground
5:30 head home and answer phone messages and call Günter.
7:15 put kids to bed and blog.
I knew it was coming, and it has arrived. Niki has officially moved into the "why" stage. "Why do we have doors?" "Why is Jenna crying?" "Why did you say that?" "Why do we have stars and moon?"
He is an incesant talker anyhow, and this would be fine except he asks the same questions over and over.
"WHY won't mama answer your questions?" Ha Ha Ha.
Wailed the boy Niki after he went potty. Lately we have been attempting to teach Jenna to use the potty (soon I can't get a bigger size diaper than 6 on the German economy).
Before we found out the extent of Jenna's problems I had planned to train her between age 2-3 when I saw she was getting ready, but that never happened. She never was interested, in fact she resisted so much when I tried (when Niki learned it) that I was worried it would start a power struggle and I saw in therapy when discouraged parents came in because their child wouldn't potty train just to show they were in control. I backed down and hoped I would know when to try with Jenna.
I had serious reservations and wondered if, like her drooling and food all over her face, she doesn't seem to have sensory feedback and it would also be the case with sensing her bladder and bowels.
A few weeks ago when she didn't want to go to bed she would pee and take off her diaper and get out of bed and bring it to me (and a few times poop too). I thought "This MUST be the sign!"
About 6 weeks ago the binki "flew away" and I got rid of the bottles before that, so I thought I just have to push a bit and try. I made a big deal of what a big girl she is etc. I made charts, I had potty bookes and I had rewards. When I told her that she wasn't going to have diapers any more she told me no and ran and got a diaper and tried to put it on herself! Then I had to bribe her to sit on the toliet. I read books and I talked to her and sang to her...but no pee came. Then, just as I was about to give up she peed! I clapped and Niki ran in and clapped and we both told her we were proud of her. I told Günter and he got excited for her. We sent her off in undies on her little bus with a note in her book about helping.
That day she came home with another child's clothes and 4 complete outfits (of her own I stock there) all wet. I wondered how this will work if they don't take her and enforce her to sit long enough to relax and pee. I know they are short staffed but...it needs to happen. Now I worry we will lose the window of opportunity. I sent to her school a package of pull-ups and sent her the next day in pull ups. Well the same thing happened. She wet several sets of clothes (other childrens) and I was so frustrated. We wrote a note in her book asking about what system they were using and no note came home. By Friday I was tired of all the laundry and put her in daipers. Then a note came home that they would work with her.
This week I send her in pull-up but she comes home in another child's undies and today she came home with NO undies, no pull-ups and NO diaper under her pants! ARRRGGGHHH!
To top it off, Niki is getting jealous and is upset when I don't clap for him (he pretty well trained himself 6 months ago) or give him a reward. It even goes to far when I am going potty both Jenna and Niki come in and clap and tell me they are proud of me.
Now if I can get Jenna to want to at least learn the peeing part I will be greatly relieved!
Yesterday Günter got the tent out and set it up in the livingroom. No, we are NOT going camping anytime in the futre (that I know of). But it was quite the adventure for the kids. They LOVED it. I felt like Günter deserved to be in a Homefront advertisment!
Of course the REST of the story is... Jenna wouldn't go to sleep so when I came down at 9:30 to check on them, Günter and Niki were asleep and Jenna was smiling when I took the picture. I took her up to have a little slumber party in my bed.
So we got the father/son campout and Mother/daughter date all in one!
When I was a teen I was painfully self conscious. I took hours with my hair and makeup and clothing. Funny how much we change over the years. Now if I get a shower, I count myself fortunate! Never mind the make-up. Honestly, I only wear makeup if I am going out of the house or someone is coming over,and that is about it.
As I have begun aging I see wrinkles and crow feets etc. on my face. Where I used to obsess looking at myself, now I avoid it. Once in a while I pull out the tweezers and pull hair from my brows and random places on my face that have an odd thick hair growing (what is up with that?). I don't have to cover up acne now but try to hide dark circles under my eyes from the kids being up sick.
My hair used to be a lovely blonde color (and naturally bleached out in the sun) now it has turned a mousy color with gray creeping in. This year was the first I started dying my hair and now it is a pain to keep the roots up, but I must!
Just yesterday I was holding Jenna and she was carefullly inspecting my face. She indicated I had "owie"--she thinks the scar from when I had a mole removed is an owie. She thinks my freckle (or aging spot...who knows...) is an owie, it's all owies! Then to make matters worse she grabs my long thin nose and twists it like a handle! Oh my.
I am afraid to look in the mirror to see what she sees everday and apparently loves. And since I am not one to get plastic surgery or even buy expensive treatments, all I can anticipate is that things will get worse.
But I have children that love my face and know everything about it.
How amazing life is!
Life keeps bringing the lessons we need to master. Mine? Patience.
10. A great many construction projects going on so you nearly can't go anywhere without hitting one.
9. Niki junping off the 3rd step down to the bottom (onto tiles).
8. Jenna taking off all her clothing every night when I think she is in her bed sleeping (including her diaper).
7. The kids picking green (un-ripe) raspberries, when there are so few to enjoy.
6. Jenna's ReHa KiGa not helping her to potty train so now she has given up (after several days of wetting numerous times there).
5. Niki "walking" from one swing to another on the swinging swings.
4. Jenna eating non-perishable items.
3. Niki doing twisting flips off the couch.
2. Günter not filling up the car with gas and running out as a result.
1. Jenna picking up slugs and squishing them in her hands.
Last fall I posted an entry about our resident hedgehog Tom. I hadn't seen him all year and wondered if he was still keeping the slug population low.
While Günter was mowing he yelled for me and sadly we found Tom.
He was stuck between the fence and I ran to get my gloves. I tired to push him through but his quills would brissle and block it. I tried pushing him back, but that didn't work. We had no idea how long he was there and if he was dehydrated or what. I got a trowel and tried propping him up so he could get some momentum to push through. Nothing worked so Günter got the wire cutters and we freed him.
Niklas went around the yard singing the wonder pet song and how we saved the day. We are super heros now!
When you are Niki...everything is associated with a car! Recently he announced to me that "if you don't know where to go, you can use a map or a GPS!" Just the other day I told him he was smart and he said "Yes! I am a smart car." Every reference is about cars.
Right now his favorite is convertables. A friend gave us a Polly Pocket car with a magnet roof. He loves it and slides the roof on and off. He isn't interested in Polly Pocket or clothes etc, just the car! So of course I am on ebay looking for a convertable car that the roof actually goes up and down and I found a Polly Pocket one. It is in pink, and that makes Günter nervous, but what can I do?
Some years ago we had a 10 year old foster daughter and she LOVED to play store--I think she missed some of those things in her development. We actually used it as part of the incentive program to get her to do homework and household chores. I had a sheet with how many point each thing was and she would spend it or save it up to buy a more expensive thing at the store. We had things in the store we wanted to do with her (like paly a game of her choice, go out to dinner etc). but her favorites was a spoonful of marshmellow creme and being able to take her base pass for the day to school.
Recently Niki has initiated that game. He takes the cash register and a lot of coins and sets up things on the coffee table and "sells" them to us. Mostly everything is priced at 7 and we only pay one dollar (one coin). He can do this for a long time and says "Krista, come to my store!" Sometimes I get Jenna to play it with him but soon he gets frustrated because she doesn't follow his rules. As it is, he expects me to take all the things "home" so all the toys are around me by the computer right now.
It is fun to see him find these games and model after things in his every day life.
It is interesting to see how kids develop in their thought processes. The latest thing for Niki is to ask me who's my favorite. I always tell him he is my favorite boy. Sometimes he presses me further, and I know what he is looking for. Sometimes I ask him who's HIS favorite (mother, father, sister, Oma etc.)--he loves it! I am glad to announce I am his favorite mother and Günter his favorite father and a relief that Jenna is his favorite sister. He also admitted she is his favorite friend too. I know he won't always feel that way, but nice that he does now. I will take what I can get!
I just finished reading the book "Are You Somebody?" by Nuala O'Faolain--a memoir of her life growing up Irish Catholic. It is a very good book about family dynamics, trying to find love and feelings of loneliness and loss. It did put me in a bit of a reflective mood. She wrote this in "middle age"--I guess that is somewhere in the 50's. Since I am in my 40's, it brings up some of the questions you begin to struggle with during this phase.
I am a bit out of step with my peers, since most friends my age are launching children into college or missions, but I am still in the potty-training stage with mine. I know that I am a much better mother because I have more perspective and understanding at this age. I have worked through many of my Family-Of-Orgin issues and don't think I am passing too much of the dysfunction down that I was raised with. Even still, I find that I have trouble with patience and energy at my age. In some ways I think I would be a better grandmother than mother at this age! Nevertheless I am ever grateful that I AM a mother--for many years I thought that would not be a reality for my life.
As I have posted in the past, it is a lot harder than I imagined. I find myself struggling with the mundane-ness of it all and how I seem to have lost myself in this role (but I am slowly recovering it bit by bit as they get older).
My parents are getting older and they both have poor health. Who knows how much longer they will live. At the end of Nuala's book, she faces that death is pushing behind us all. Because I am caught up in daily tasks I often don't take the time to reflect on life unless I am shocked by someone's death or tragedy.
At times like that it really does make me reflect on Who's my favorite and do I really show that...I can do better with showing my children and husband and Savior and Heavenly Father they are my favorite. We all want to be cherished!
Yesterday was a horrible day for me. All week I was nervous about Niklas's health and decided to take him to the Pediatrcian on Friday morning. When we walked in, and were waiting to check in he began his coughing and the doctor standing there said "I know HIS diagnosis!" Then we were asked to stay in the infection room rather than the regular waitingroom (at least it had nicer toys there).
Once the Chief doctor came in he was quite serious and said Niki has this. Great. Lets add that to the bronchitis and pnemonia, ear infections and tonsillitis. The poor kid, not only does he have a barking cough but big black circles under his eyes from not being able to sleep or breath too well. The doctor was truly worried and made up all the paperwork and sent us to the hospital in Kaiserslautern. He gave Niki a steriod suppository (Prednisone).
I didn't plan on it going that direction (We usually walk out of his office with antibiotics, and that is what I thought would happen again.) I had some errand to do--including meeting people on the military base that bought some stuff from my on-line yard sale. So we went to get things done first.
BTW, I don't think I will do the yard sale thing again unless it is a big item. People say they will buy things but don't show up(and I listed it as sold and lose other buyers), or show up 2 hours past the apointed time, or they don't have space in their car for the large items (go figure) or the right amount of money. Plus some people that came to my house walked around and would see the piano and say they wanted to buy it...Um, everything I own is NOT for sale... I think in the future I will stick to giving away stuff. Only one of the 4 people showed up for the meeting.
Afterwards I thought that I better go pick up Jenna since I doubted that we would be done at the hospital (which I thought they were just going to do another Xray and blood work) by the time her bus would take her home. So I picked her up and stopped at Burger King for lunch for the kids and we took it to eat at the hospital (I rightly assumed there would be a lot of waiting time).
The first real aggrivation was finding it. It is in an obscure place in the city center. Once I did locate it I had trouble finding parking. I tried to park along the street but you must buy a ticket at the little stands along the road and you must have correct change (and I only had a bill). So I finally decided to go to the parking garage. Then I got the kids out and discovered Jenna had made poop and had to change her diaper. Then Niki had to go potty and I worried we would make it in time so he wouldn't pee his pants. I pulled them along and tried to find the Kinder Klinik on the small campus as fast as I could! After averting the pee crisis, I took the paperwork to the front desk and they instructed me I must go register (insurance) at another building. I was surprised since I didn't expect this and they said that likely he will be on IV antibiotics over the weekend and have surgery early next week and have to stay another 7 days beyond that. I was sick with anxiety at that point. I went back out to the car and had trouble finding my parking ticket. You have to have that to place in a machine and pay for it before you drive out. I finally did find it.
I called Günter and he was in a meeting in Frankfurt and wouldn't pick up the phone. I tried 3 times then got very mad. I looked for phone numbers to call some friends locally, but had nothing in the car. I was very aggitated!
I drove out of the parking garage and went to park along the street only to find out that I needed not only 1 euro coins but also a 50 piece--the machine doesn't make change! I ran to a shop (left the kids in the car) to get change. When I was coming back I saw someone leave a space open right by the hospital so I turned the car around to park there. Once I arrived, it was taken. Since it was one-way streets I had to go around the area to get back to the street I originally went on and all the spots were taken by then. I had to park several blocks away at the bottom of the hill.
While we registered Jenna was eating her cheeseburger and Niki was playing with the glass doors to the room, and I was trying to understand the receptionist (who only spoke German) while watching the kids and giving information about Niki and the insurance. It was nerve wracking to me! Then I took the kids back to the Kinder Klinik and we were seen by doctor but Niki's cough was much better (I assume from the steroid).
I then had to take the kids to the ENT clinic and we waited over 1 hour (with no toys in the waiting room) to be seen. Did I say I was on my last nerve? When we were seen the doctor asked if I wanted him to have a tonsilotomy or tonsilectomy and if we wanted it there or with Dr. Baker (his normal ENT). I really didn't know. I mean no one was telling how bad it was and if it was emergent. I knew his airways were problematic, but that was all. Then they asked if I had given him ibruprophen. Yes, for his fever. Then she said they can't give surgery for 4 weeks since the last time it was taken. You have got to be kidding! I was upset. She went and got the chief doctor and he explained that there is a high risk of complications with bleeding and they won't do it. I lost it about then. I said, well if he dies because he can't breath, isn't that a greater risk! He checked his tonsils and said even though they are extremely enlarged, there is enough space for air to go through and he won't suffocate. How comforting. If he is so sick the Pediatrician sent us there, and they can't do anything to treat, why were we there? The kids kept touching the tools and going around the room and I had trouble concentrating, and weighing my options while the doctors talked. Several times they asked the kids to be quiet--yeah, right--like they listen to anyone.
That is the time I made up my mind we are not staying. I went back to the Child doctor and explained it all and said that I didn't think he needed to stay in the hospital if he could have the antibiotics orally at home. I talked him into it and he gave me a very high level to give as well as the steroid (Prednisone) and a special medicine for coughing.
As I was taking the two tired, one sick child to the car, all I could think of was Jenna's hospitalization and how stressful it was trying to keep her still in a bed (with an IV line in) when she is so active and there was nothing to do. I was so grateful we avoided this, for now. I felt liberated!
I still don't know what to do besides the medicines. I will call our regular ENT on Monday and tell him the situation. I wish I had someone to help me decide if we should have a partial or full tonsilectomy and tubes in his ears. What is the best? I don't want to continue having all these problems with his health and don't know if it will help or further hinder things.
After the kids went to bed I just wanted to vegetate, which I did by watching a movie. I hope I can get my equalibrium back. Niki will have to be home the next week while he is on the medications, so I won't have any freedom in the days to come. Being a mom is so much harder than I thought it would be.
I really believe in being thrifty. I love a good garage sale (especially when I lived in Spokane) and love thrift stores (the best I saw were in Colorado Springs), ebay or any other ways to save. I like to get and give a good deal. It feels great to let go of things that I will not use. I would even say it is theraputic. It is just like leaving behind emotional baggage (in therapy) and having new, clean space to think.
My mother is a horder and so is Günter's. Günter himself has the tendancy keep things (even empty boxes of things he buys...) so I am up against some tendencies that are hard to fight. Because I lived in a home that was somewhat junky, I try really hard to get rid of things as I go. It is hard because of my thriftiness.
I sometimes think I may need or want it in the future, so I should hang onto it. But you know where that leads. Anyhow, I have been doing great at dejunking the kids rooms and clothes (remember THAT post and pictures?). I give away most of the clothes to church friends.
My good friend (that is moving to Australia--boo hoo) had to get rid of things in her house and told me about two places here to get rid of things. There is a yahoo group called freecycle ramstein where you can post things you want to give away and people email back and take it. Also I discovered RamsteinYardSale (which is in rival with ebay in some ways and they can set up one in any location) . You post a picture and list a price and people email you, then you arrange when and where to get it to them. If you link to that site you can see all the stuff I listed. It really got me going.
It is a pain to take the pictures, resize and then post it, but nice to see things that have been sitting around house make some money. All the good stuff went fast and now the other things probably won't go so I will then advertise them with my church and with the freecycle to see if anyone wants them before I give it to the thrift store.
It is interesting the emotional reaction I have to all this. I was excited, then pushed myself to dig even more. I drug things down from the attic this evening and will post them tomorrow.
The kids had mixed feelings. Niki was very upset and said that he won't have any toys. We have kept Jenna from the room with all the stuff because I know what her reaction will be!
While I was up in the attic the kids came up and found new toys to have. It was like Christmas all over again. All my play therapy toys came out. I knew all the toys so well from my hour and hours of play with other people's kids and now I have kids of my own! I thrill came over me as I thought back to those years where I had this ache in my heart because I wanted kids and didn't have them.
Now my doll houses are being played with Jenna and Kaye's wooden doll house is now used as a garage for Niki's cars.
How blessed I am to have these kids and to realize my dream. I often forget this in the bustle of everyday life.
My house, heart and soul is getting dejunked!
Since Jenna was born she had some trouble soothing herself. We quickly introduced the binki (aka schnüller) and she took to it. I thought it would be good to help her learn to keep her mouth closed (and maybe help stop drooling). I was never was sure when the right time was to move on from the binki, so I let her continue. Months and years now have gone by and it was always in the back of my mind that she needed to stop using it but I dreaded the weaning process. A few months ago she went to the dentist for the first time and I was surprised that he knew she still was using a binki, and that jolted me into thinking finally I should do it. Afterall, she needed it when in the hospital and at various times when she has had to go through a lot of new things, but she was through those now. It was time. One night I couldn't sleep since I was obsessing about this process. Well, this weekend (Friday) I did it.
I know this probably wasn't the right way to go about it, but I told her that her binki's flew away to a baby that needed it. I didn't want to tell her I was taking it away or she would whine and try to manipulate me to giving it back to her. It was the best I could come up with.
I was absolutely shocked how well she did. She never once asked for it over the weekend. She has cried in the night and I have put her in bed with me to help comfort her, but each night she has gotten better. I guess she was totally ready. She has been watching this show where they read a book about a girl getting rid of her schüller over and over. Niki freaked out and thought we were going to take his cuddle duck away too. I guess that is for another time. Now I wonder when I will tackle potty training!
Last fall when we met with the Developmental Pediatrcian at the ReHa, they recommended special orthotics for Jenna to help her get more feedback from her feet, which could help with her balance and sensory issues. It went back and forth all year. The OT said that the insurance would only pay for regular ones...so we told her we would pay the difference (189 euros--highway robbery) just so the process would go forward. Then she said they wanted the doctor to call the insurance...we waited and waited. The school year ended and I was chapped about it not being accomplished in that time! When Jenna went back a few weeks ago I started pushing the issue hard. Waa-Laa, we have them now. I was shocked when I first saw them since I was thinking of something like the bumps in those massage sandals or something. Well this is what they look like:
We have to gradually introduce them since they are very drastic. Looks like they would be quite uncomfortable!
She hasn't been complaining when we make her wear them, so that is a good sign. We will wait to see if a bill comes. I hope when the doctor called that took care of the billing too.
Jenna is a funny girl. The favorite things she loves...Hats...she sometimes puts them on her feet and scoots around the room laughing.
Playing in the sand:
Making tea parties/picnics. She lays out all the dishes and things on a blanket and sometimes has a teddy bear.
She is Miss Congentiality--always smiling and friendly to people. Even ones she doesn't know aren't real!
She is growing up.
I feel giggly for tricking you all! How so?
The last few weeks I have a bit of a hard time feeling like no one really cares. Yes, I know my kids and husband and some close friends, but ...the rest of you...the ones that never leave comments, but still want to know about my life...you.
I was telling my friend about how sad I was because I thought I had been a good friend to people but wondered why they didn't keep in touch. They keep in touch with other friends, why not me? What is wrong with me? (Yes, I know I am terribly insecure at 44, and it is embarrassing).
I need you--it really makes my day when people show me I am worth their time (my love language). It only takes a minute and you don't have to write more than one sentence. It is better than an email in some ways because I don't feel like I have to write back a lengthy response about things that I have already posted.
I know I am rambling...anyhow, I found on my friend Angi's blog a counter to see how many people were actually coming and added it to mine (and that helped to sooth me because the numbers were going up fast.)
Angi then told me about a widget that records where everyone visiting is from. I added it and now I know!!! Ha Ha Ha. I caught you lurkers!
Please leave me a comment once in a while. I will make my day!
The Pediatrcian called with the lab results and Niki is too ill for surgery. We have to finish the antibiotics then have another X-ray then we can have ths urgery in 2 weeks.
Recently I was flipping channels (looking for Olympic coverage) and there was this black and white Italian 1947 movie of Pinocchio. Jenna was enthralled by it. She won't sit and watch any animated Disney movies, but she wanted to watch this 4 times! Too funny. Since it was dubbed over in German and it has been decades since I had read the story, I reviewed the plot here. I don't remember all that happening in the story!
This was a day that I wish could have been different.
Jenna had the day off since it was Maria Himmelfahrt (Mary's Ascension to heaven)--funny that Germany has all these religious holidays and only the old people go to church!
Anyhow, I was not looking forward to the day, but add Jenna to it, and I was nearly dreading it.
First, I had an 8:30 am apointment at the Pediatrician to take blood and see if he was healthy enough for surgery on Wedneday (has to be less than one week prior to surgery). He took the blood and Niklas only cried a little but was soothed with gummi bears the doctors gives by the handfulls. While I was there I asked if they had recieved the final report (including the genetic work-up) on Jenna's stay at Homburg Hospital. They hadn't--so I will have to follow up there. The doctor thought Niki's cough and ungs sounded bad and referred us to Radiology for an X-Ray to see if he was healthy enough for surgery. I also showed him Niki's feet (he has a growth above the heel) and referred us to an orthopedist.
We had a 9:15 apointment with the ENT to go over the risks of surgery as well as checking his ears and tonsils. He said the tonsils were not infected but just very swollen. I told him the Pediatrician wasn't sure if a partial tonsilectomy was a good idea until they got the blood work bad which would indicate which was better--partial or full. He saw fluid in his ears still, so the tubes are still needed. (Oh, now I just remembered I wanted to ask him about where to get the special plugs to seal his ears when he swims of takes a bath. I will have to remember to ask that next week).
Next we went to the anesthesiologist. Unfortuantely the normal one (who is from India and speaks decent English) was not there and his colleague (who spoke poor English--worse than my German) went over the risks of Anestesia--I am glad I know it from when Niki got his Adenoids out because otherwise I would know nothing. In case you are thinking that I am arrogant to think that these doctors should know my language while I am living in their country, I just want to say that they are certified for the military members that they are able to converse in English so the base with refer to them (most military members and families are only here for 2-3 years and will not be able to learn the language beyond small talk--certainly not medical terminology).
After we left there we went to the Orthopedist and they said they could see us in 45 minutes but I had the sense to ask for an apointment the next week.
Then we drove to radiology. Niki had to have the X-ray 4 times because he wouldn't stand still (with his top off, smashed against a board with his chin in a holder and a protective "skirt"). He was scared of the noise and I don't blame him, it scared me and sounded like a sudden tornado coming through the room.
We then waited to talk to the Radiologist who said he has bronchitis (didn't like the look of his ribs) moving to pnemonia. Great. So I called the Pedatrician back and they wanted me to come right over to get a perscription for an antibiotic and waited for me since thier office closes early on Fridays.
We had a late lunch and I took the kids to the playground for an hour.
On the way home I stopped at the Pharmacy only to find out they didn't have the antibiotic in stock and I will have to return tomrrow to get that.
I got home around 3:30. I had a near anxiety attack after the radiologist, wondering if we should just delay the surgery but then I would have to wait another couple of months to get on the surgery rotation again. Niki has ear infections about the same amount as he doesn't and it makes me so nervous to hear him sleeping since he sounds like Darth Vader and I worry his enlarged tonsils will cut off his airways (see, my fear of him dying has just gone from SIDS to this).
Anyway, we will see if this really takes place after the doctor gets his labs back on Monday.
I was glad that I could watch part of the opening ceremonies from the games. Why only part? Because we were having a bad storm and the sattelite signal was interrupted. What I did see was amazing--the technology, vision and money (apparently equivalent $60 million) to produce it, not to mention the full year most of them practiced 8 hours a day, to get the timing (particularly the men under the boxes simulating typesetting). I doubt any opening ceremony can outdo this one. It was also interesting to be exposed to more of thier culture. If not for communism, I would love to travel there and learn more.
Since Niki always has something funny to say, when I am watching the games he gets excited when he sees this:
Since he thinks it is the same as this:
And anyone who knows him, knows he is obsessed with cars and knows most logos!
It is hard to follow the US teams since we have BBC and they mainly show their countrymen and races, and we have the German stations showing theirs. Boo Hoo. I remember 4 years ago quite distinctly joking with other women friends about my infatuation with Michael Phelps. Since then I have had a child, and I take him swimming I have a secret dream of Niki being an Olympic swimmer!
So far he has 5 gold medals and 3 more to come (I assume and hope). So far every race he has set a new world record! To think that his mother put him in swim lessons at 7 to give him a driection for his ADHD energy. His parents are divorced and he has no contact with his father. His mother is a school teacher, so he comes from a humble background. Goes to show that if people have talent and find a way to get the right training they can do amazing things!
I do love to watch the gymnastics and have tuned into the sand volleyball.
I can vaguely remember my competitive spirit when I ran on BYU's track team and that anyone--even the last one in the race--must be immensely proud to made it there! GO USA!
It took me a few days to recover from the wedding. My age is starting to show me up (I need bifocals now too) because I cannot stay up late and bounce back easily.
Dagmar became my friend in the year 2000, I met her when I attended the German congregation in Kaiserslautern. She has a Ph.D and law degree from the prestigous Heidelberg University (all by the time she was 26). She speaks 5 languages fluently (German--of course, English, French, Italian and Dutch). As you will see she is petite and beautiful and humble and funny too. She focused on international law and worked in the Hague for the Tribunal, in Strassbourg at the European Court of Justice and the Hague again for a high judge that included her working with the Federal Chancelor of Germany. Then she (after much agony over leaving her profession) decided to serve a mission and went to SLC temple square and Kentucky and she served in the only place where she could be an AP (assisant to the president) in the SLC temple square mission. After she returned she began working for our church in Frankfurt as legal council for international affairs. Wow, it is a bit intimidating. I was very curious what type of person she would marry!
The wedding was a full day event for us. Günter and I got the kids off to their KiGa's and then finished packing up things and left. We drove to the Franfurt Temple (for non-LDS it is a special place not a regular building we have Sunday services). It was wonderful to see her married not just for this life but for eternity.
Afterwards they had a church service for all of her family and friends that are not LDS. It was lovely.
Afterwards the typical German tradition is to have some hord'vours and juice (normally non-LDS have champagne) and everyone greets and mingles.
The professional photographer took a lot of pictures (which I tried to stay out of the way of, but felt competitive since I wanted some nice pictures too) and Günter and I headed to the Golf Clubhouse. We had about 1.5 hours before the reception officially started but even still we felt nervous to get it together in time. I had already put together all Dagmar's & Björn's growing-up and adult pictures together with music (and titles and transitions etc). I took pictures of the wedding and got some from Björn's father from the day before where they went to the Standesadmt (townhall) to be married legally. They had a dinner afterwards. So I had to go through all the pictures (and a few videos I took) to add to the show.
In the meantime Günter was trying to hook up all the systems. He put up the video beamer but found the program on our laptop was not compatable and we didn't have the time to figure it out or download new programs etc. We were both quite stressed about that time. Luckily we found out the band had a DVD player and it worked with the video beamer so I had to finish the show so we could process it (1 hour 15 minutes) then burn it to a DVD to use.
People were coming in when I was on the computer and I had to tell them that I couldn't talk because I needed to concentrate. The band was working to get the sound system up so it was loud and I couldn't really hear the music on the show to match the photos or videos, and the time was short so I just did the best I could.
We had the computer processing while we had dinner. Speaking of which, they did this quite classy. The tables had white linen and all arrangements of cutlerly for every course. The first was riccolia leaves with flowers (some are edible!) with avacado and red mellon. The next course was sorbet to "cleanse your palet" (the dish was chilled and rim dipped in sugar).
After the fathers spoke, Dagmar and Björn spoke. Then we had the main course--buffet style. It was all Caribbean--red snapper, and side dishes (fresh corn/black beans/red peppers soaked in coconut milk), other main and side dishes that were delectable.
Once it was dark and everyone had finished eating we showed our montage. They both seemed to like it and were surprised to see videos in it. I was glad it worked out to even be shown!
Everyone mingled then there were gourmet desserts (including my favorite Creme Brulee) and just before we were to leave (at midnight) they brought out the wedding cake (called a 'piece montee' (traditional French wedding cake)with small round eclairs stacked into a pyramid with carmelized sugar dripped over it) with sparklers on the top.
Towards the end of the night the thunder finally produced it down-pour (after a muggy day) and it came down in torrents. We packed up our things and ran for the car.
We got home around 2 am. I was so grateful that my friend Angi watched our kids--she picked them up from KiGa and the ReHa bus and had them for dinner and came back to our house to get them to sleep. I can't even tell you what an angel she is--another benefit to going to our church--I make wonderful friends!
Back full circle, Friday Günter returned to work, I got the kids off to preschool and fell asleep (for what I thought would be an hour). At 12:05 I woke up disoriented and realized that I was to pick up Niki at 12. I threw on clothes and jumped in the car and got there about 12:10 so he was waiting and not panicked yet, nor had the teachers called me. However, that didn't prevent me from having a major shame attack. Even though I was still very tired I didn't dare allow myself to sit on the couch in fear I would fall asleep and not hear Jenna's bus at 2:30.
I was glad to be able to attend the wedding and to see my friend married (at 37--the same age I married Günter). I did feel mixed feelings though because I will miss the relationship as it was and know that she will be processing most things with her husband now--as it should be. I guess parents have mixed feelings too because with happy events usually means changes. Even though we wish for the changes they still make us all adjust and things are never the same. I wish the best life for them and hope they are able to have children (which I know my friend really would like but it doesn't always work out so easily, as I am an example). To a happy life together--Dagmar and Björn!
Since it took so long to post my pictures and write up of France, I fell far behind on other things--it is a delicate balance to keep all the balls in the air, I tell you! Here is what we have done since being back:
German branch summer party. They had a nice BBQ at the Siegelbach park(next to the small zoo--which we didn't go to). They had a kids miniOlympics--where they did wheelbarrow races, sack races, egg-on-spoon race and other things (that my kids couldn't do even with adaptations).
When the adults we playing sand volleyball (and I was chatting with people), this is what Niki was doing:
(Sorry that was blury but it was so fun to see his face and that of our friend Elke).
Meanwhile this is what Jenna was up to:
I did take her jeans off since they were waying her down, but this is the thing that ended our fun. She started "swimming" in the mud and we didn't have any other clothes for her, so I stripped her and put a blanket around her while we drove home. Both kids were quite upset and wanted to keep playing but it was 7 pm and getting late.
Here is the tablecloth I bought in Provence--they are famous. I think it looks so nice with Polish Pottery.
We had a birthday party for Oma:
Niki loves to sing the happy birthday song to people. If I could ever figure out how to post a video you would be in for a lovely clip! (And no, she wasn't turning 2 like Niki told me).
A dear friend of mine is returning to her homeland of Australia and is selling/giving away all kinds of things. She gave Jenna some hats and purses for dress up, but Niki can't be left out and he has claimed one for his own. (Don't tell my husband--at least it isn't pink!).
Our church has a lunch bunch that meets twice a month and the kids all play crazily while the mothers all chat. Again, I didn't post the mothers but here are a small percent of the young ones playing on the table dolly in the gym of our church. (Normally they don't have all the junk at the end but they are remodeling).
During the summer months our church also has an outings group. It is a good way to find out what fun things are around our area. One day we met at the Miseau Pool. I was surprised at how lovely it was (sorry, again didn't post pictures of the pool and area). The kids loved swimming, or I should say that Jenna our fish did. If it is cold, Niki is like his Mama--a wimp!
Look at this picture, Niki looks so buff (even though I think it is mostly the shadows!)--but he IS strong!
They had a nice little play area and some of the kids congregated there. I just love the kids in our church--they are so good to Jenna and even give her extra love.
We went to Wild Park Silz with Günter's parents (his father flew his glider up from France to where his parents live) and the park was midway between our homes. It was a lovely large park to wander in, but only a few animals--some deer, ponies, goats and European buffalo and other small vermits). Of course the kids mainly liked the play area.
As a family we went to Vogelwoog in Kaiserslautern. A nice place we found using the GPS local attractions. It is a park with a small lake and nice playground with everything made out of wood (except the slide and nuts/bolts/nails).
I thought it so clever how they designed this all-wood fort with a little ladder going down and escape tunnels.
And this swing set! Wow--to find jus the right trees...
Niki Flirting with the owl (he actually kissed it but I couldn't get the camera on fast enough!). Yes, I know he needs the front cut but I don't want to cut the curl because I know that he will have only straight hair then and his baby curls are gone forever!
I wish Jenna was in more of the pictures but she was having a tantrum that lasted 30 minutes.
Lastly, our church friends invited us over to their house and they got out the slip-n-slide. I thought it would be a plastic sheet on the grass, but it was this:
It even had these "rafts" that Niki called a skate board to go down the slide.
I just want to put my warning out there for all the moms:
Don't let them drink and drive! (It was only rootbeer!)
This is the second time in the last few weeks where I had a dream about being pregnant and in both of them I was frantic because the baby had died in utero.
The first one I was losing control with medical professionals since they didn't take me seriously that I could tell the baby was dead. I finally was yelling at a doctor saying I would file a complaint he was incompetant for not at least checking into it. I felt hopeless and powerless and beyond despair.
Last night I had one where I was pregnant with twins and was to deliver them but my belly was only as big as it was when Niklas was at 5 months! I knew something was wrong--they weren't growing. I tried to go through the maze of the American hospital since everything was changed since I was there and I couldn't find OB/GYN. I kept telling them my doctors name but found he had moved years ago--so I didn't have a contact or name to throw around. I was desperate and hopeless that I wouldn't have more kids.
Right now I am on my period and I know that being 44 I am pre-menopausal and must be dealing with my grief about my ability to have children. I know it is the right decision that we are fine with our two. I would not even consider pregnancy at my age due to the high chance of a child with serious problems, besides the fact that I KNOW I couldn't go through another miscarriage and wouldn't even risk it.
It is true that in a different circumstance (being younger, not having a child with a disability etc.) I would have had more kids. But my subconscious must really be grieving this.
Since I am now in the habit of posting practially every day, I feel strange NOT posting. I wanted to record a few things Niki has said recently.
Today was very hot and humid so I let the kids outside to play in the wading pool. I don't even want to bother with swimsuits, so I just let them go natural (if anyone would see them it would be different, but our backyard is on a field and they do take baths together--whats the difference?...) anyhow, he came in and said that only boys can have rings on their breasts. What?! A few weeks ago my husband came home after taking the kids for a walk around the village and said they stopped to talk with one of his colleagues who was mowing the yard without a shirt and had a nipple piercing. He never thought this guy would have a piercing like that. Niki asked about it because he wanted to know why he had rings on his breast and said that he is married and that is his ring (what was my husband thinking?! He isn't good on his feet, I guess). So th
