All I think about these days is having this baby. I must be one of the most irritable pregnant women around. Technically (according to my doctor) I am now full term (past 37 weeks). Tomorrow I am going in for "stripping of the membranes" which amounts to a rigorous pelvic exam where they rotor rooter the bag of membranes away from the cervix. In principal it is suppose to trigger prostiglandins, which trigger labor. I hope! I am also going to walk (or use the cross trainer in the house if the weather is bad) each day and sex is also suppose to help trigger labor. I looked up some homeopathic remedies and found that a popular is castor oil (in shake or omlet) has helped some (but if it doesn't work you are miserable with diahreah), the doctor can give prostiglandin gel to soften the cervix ans some give evening primrose oil. Some very rare recommendations are cohosh (blue/black) or pennyroyal. Actupuncture or massage can also help. I don't think I will get any of these. I don't think they will induce until I am 10 days past my delivery date. I have been given anything from 20 Dec to 28 Dec. I don't even want to consider being like this for 3 to 5 more weeks.
I am so miserable and the only comforting thought is that because of my age I won't have another pregnancy! I don't want to go through this again. How's that for selfishness! I don't like my skin and belly stretched so tight I am afraid it will pop. Mercifully I didn't get any stretch marks, but if I have to go another 3 weeks, there's no telling... I am miserable with the acid reflux, despite taking zantac (ritadine). I am so short of breath that it is embarrassing just walking down the hall or going up stairs that I am panting! This from a girl that ran a marathon etc... Also, I can't get comfortable sleeping. I have a nice body pillow and several others (I put between my knees and feet. I use a hot water bottle on my aching back. My hands fall asleep in the night when I lay on them and I dread turning because I have to heave my whole body (throwing my legs to get enough momentum) to turn.
Over the weekend I got stuck on my back and couldn't roll or get up. I had to call to my husband and he laughed! Jenna thought it funny when he was laughing so she did too. Humilitation... And I attempted to remove all the mamoth hair off my legs (prior to the doctor seeing it tomorrow). It was a dismal failure resulting in me getting very upset. I used a "nair-like" product but it smelled so bad and burned, so I rinsed it off sooner than recommended. Then I asked my husband to shave me. That was it...I've crossed the line...he only agreed if he could do it the way he knows--which his shaving cream. I didn't mind that but he left a lot of places with hair. I'll admit it, it was more than he ever had to shave himself (more like a beard). So now I look horrible. I tried to do a few other basic hygene things as well. To cut my toe nails requires me to contort my leg in a strange way. I didn't even care that the clipping went flying around the room!
This boy is quite active too. I can tell his head is always down in my pelvis but he flips from side to side, and it is disturbing when my belly changing shape completely before my eyes--usually very lopsided. Everyone tells me to "enjoy" this time. Ha. Like I said in the beginning, I am likely the most whiney pregant woman around. Here's hoping for some "meddling" and "stirring up" things tomorrow.
On the Jenna front, we have gotten her now to sleep from 7 p.m. to midnight and then again until 6 am. I can live with that! It took a few nights of her hysteria but her body seems now to reprogram itself. She is terribly congested right now (I think it is from teething) and sound like a little pig snorting all the time. If you have seen some of her pictures, you know it goes with the image--Ha Ha. We got her medicine for acid reflux and hope that helps her, as well as medicine for the excema on the top of her head (mostly just olive oil).
That is all I have for this post. More on Wednesday!
I worked late on Wednesday--had a very complicated "case" come in and I worked to get the report (mostly) done. I still need to polish it. It is a HUGE relief that I don't have to follow these cases since my caseload is now shifting due to maternity leave, which is looming ever closer--YIPPPEEE!!! Although it MUST be said that I am having ambivalent feelings about leaving. I even waiver at times about quitting. My supervisor is actually nice and supportive. I don't want to dog him. This would have been so much easier (and satisfying) with my last supervisor.
After I picked up Jenna on Wednesday (Guenter had to work late) I put her in her high chair, piled up the toys and began unpacking the groceries I bought over my lunch break. The evening was spent doing a whole lot of nothing. I guess it isn't nothing making a baby smile and laugh etc. Did I post that she now can roll over--really roll, not that tipping thing she figured out. We tried to get it on the video clip (our digital camera). We watched her roll from tummy to back and vice versa several times then got the camera but she was bored with performing, so we only got a roll from her tummy to her back and her grabbing her toes.
On Thursday Jenna played with me in bed then went back to sleep. I don't want to encourage her in sleeping in my bed, but there is nothing sweeter than seeing an angel sleeping next to you! Once in a while she opens her big blue eyes just to make sure I am there and gives a big toothless grin and closes her eyes again. My heart melts. I have a few songs that I sing to her. HEr favorites are "Blue Eyes"--a variation on Elton John's version that I combined with "Blue skies, nothing but blue skies do I see" but I change it to blue eyes. I can almost always get a smile for that song! Lately when I wake her up I sing the Doris Day "Good Morning" song and she laughs! My husband still sings the German lulliby "La Lay Loo". The great surprise for our Thanksgiving is that Jenna had two little front (lower) teeth break through the gums! They are sharp too! It is funny that once she turned 6 months she just seemed to take off with developmental mastery. She now figures our how to scoot her knees under her and can scoot around the room. I am proud of her, but worried since I haven't "child proofed" the house yet. We have a lot of plants that may meet their death through tipping. She has a very strong grip and has throw plates of food (we thought she couldn't reach) to the floor when sitting with us at dinner. We now have to keep her in her high chair to eat. Speaking of which, she likes her baby cereal quite well and hasn't refused any Gerber foods either. But she isn't satisfied either because when we eat she starts opening her mouth (like a baby bird) and clucking her tongue and drooling, hoping we will let her have some. I keep promising next Christmas she can eat whatever we have!
Somehow I managed to make the mashed potatoes, copper pennies and bake the pumkin pie for the dinner (while wtaching videos and keeping an eye on Jenna). We were invited to a huge buffet at the church but opted for the neighborhood one so we could get to know the neighbors better. Unfortunately it started at 5 PM! Dinner wasn't "served" (buffet) until 6:30. I like it pretty early so I can continue to snack or have another meal in the evening. It was nice to make more connection to the neighbors but it was somewhat ruined by a chain smoker. Smoking is the one of the few issues I will take up with anyone anytime, anywhere. So that gave us a good reason (to ourselves) to leave early. We simply told them Jenna's bedtime was 7 and I was tired (you know the pregnancy can be blamed for a lot too). Truthfully I was glad since the hostess was very crass--negative, critical and swearing every other word. Maybe she had too much to drink, I don't know, but she kept telling me advice about Jenna that was so ridiciulous I won't even repeat it. I loaded up some left over and high tailed it across the street.
Friday was relaxing--playing with Jenna. I think staying at home (not being employed) can be satisfying. It was a bit mundane, and for sure it won't be so easy when I have another baby to care for as well! But it was a nice "taste test". We took Jenna for her immunizations in the late afternoon. I forgot to give her some baby tylenol before hand so when we got home I attemped to get the dosage right with the dropper, but it was impossible so I ended up giving her a little too much at bedtime. That night she slept 7 hours straight. I thought I have overdosed her and put her in a coma. I really do want her to sleep through the night, but I wonder if I can survive my irrational fears at first. At 1 am I was so paranoid that I tried to wake up Guenter to get support but he was grumpy and said some insensitive things about needing to sleep (when our daughter was dying...ha ha). So I called a friend in the states. She (mother of 4, soon to be 5) reassured me that Jenna wouldn't die from this. She let me complain about all my pregnancy woes (that I usually feel to ashamed to admit to most people) and offered a lot of compassion. Just what I needed. I hated to end the call but I knew she still had a life and things to do.
Saturday we did a few things around the house then we headed to a Christkindl Markt in the afternoon. Jenna was all bundled up and we carried her around in the Baby Bjorn. It was fun but when I hit the "wall" I was finished. Too bad we weren't "finished" with what we planned. I should learn NEVER to push myself past that point. I began feeling what I think was back labor (very deep pain it seemed in my bowels). We stopped and rested but I still wanted to see the shoe (shue) museum. We got a few cute pictures of Jenna in a large pair of shoes etc. But I was soooooo grumpy. When I feel that way I get critical and very impatient with Guenter. Men have to suffer in a totally different way though the pregnancy.... We managed to still stay married by the time we got back to the car.
Sunday was the normal going to church. In the afternoon we went to visit some German friends that have two kids. I have to say that where ever we go people just adore Jenna. Kids love to play with her and the adults think she is wonderful. Just confirms my bias...I don't think we could have made a more beautiful and wonderful baby ourselves. How blessed I feel she came to us!
Last night I tossed and turned. I am getting nervous about having this baby. I think I should pack a hospital bag and get together a list of people that must be contacted. I keep feeling (desperately hoping) he will come early. I can't even begin to describe the fatigue I feel. Wha, wha..until the next post.
I have been surprised that throughout this pregnancy I have not had many unusual dreams. But just the other night I dreamt that I went to a place to have my baby (it was like a house though) and there were about 6-7 nurses chatting in the lounge area. I went in and said I was ready to have my baby and they said I was here too early and to go wait.
I sat down in a corner of the room and the next thing I knew I felt a big thing coming out between my legs. I pulled my pants down to find a baby's head. I pulled him out the rest of the way and he was LARGE. Something like a 3 month old with white-blonde hair and big blue eyes. I picked him up and went over to the nurses and said the they should have at least looked to see if I was dialated or something. One nurse said very flippantly, "We DON'T do that when you are at this stage." Then I said I would file a complaint because they should have helped me more.
A little anxiety about not being taken seriously with my pregnancy symptoms?! Yeah, I do fear I will end up going to the hospital and being sent home time and again until I end up delivering at home! My father actually did deliver one of the sisters at home, but that was the 7th of 8 kids and my mom probably labored so fast that there really wasn't time to get her to the hospital.
We finally posted new pictures of Jenna. You can go see them at http://www.karpworld.com/jenna/lookatme/index.html
This picture makes me laugh each time. I hope everyone visiting the site is a Jenna fan! I think I am falling in love with her more each day. I have some visual images of her toothless grin that melt my heart. The image is a stress reliever anytime I need one! My morning image is her laying in her crib and I go in (with the lights still off) and talk to her. She opens her big eyes and coos and babbles at me and has a big smile. Then I tell her I am going to turn on the sunshine and it will be bright and she squeels. She will lay there and "talk" until I finish getting ready and come to lift her out and change her.
This morning was particularly hectic since it snowed several inches. Guenter actually discovered this at the 3 am feeding (what he was doing looking out the window at that time, I'll never know). He woke me to say that he would need to take the car pool and I would have to drive him since only one of the cars has the winter tires on it. (The rims for the other car haven't come it yet). So I got up at the same time as he did and got ready and bundled Jenna and we all sloshed through the snow. It truly is beautiful--heavy (wet) snow that holds down the branches on all trees. The pine trees are particularly lovely. I am pretty sure it will melt away today, but it is Jenna's first snow so I am excited she got to see a little.
I have the rest of the week off. Tomorrow is Veterns day and I took Friday off. I hope there is a good "war movie" on the TV tomorrow. I loved "Band of Brothers" and "Born on the 4th of July" and many others. I do respect those that are fighting for a humane conditions to prevail throughout the world. Since I work for the big war machine, I see people every day in their BDU (battle dress uniforms, or pickle suits--the camoflauge). Whenever I go to the doctor (maternity) there are so many soldiers from "down range" limping through the halls. It is very sad and sobering. I hope all Americans can feel some gratitude for these veterns, no matter what their political view about the leaders may be.
See you on the other side of Sunday!
I am experimenting how to use this new blog site. IT is quite simple for now. When Guenter has time he will update with some of the things on the old site. I only hope this partially eliminates the spam.
The latest updates:
Jenna can now sit up independantly. She likes to reach for her toes (and is more dominate with right hand). She does not roll by herself but is happy when we "help" her. The sleep situation has not improved. I am resigning myself to accept that we may just have to keep feeding her twice a night. She goes to bed between 7-8 p.m. and wakes up before midnight and again between 3-4 am. I suppose we can live with it for now. We are introducing baby foods too, probably causing more constipation. I am sure you all wanted to know that! She gobbles her food just like her milk. You would think she is starving, but her pictures can attest that she is not!
On the pregnancy scene: I feel ambivalence. I wish I was a more graceful pregnant woman. Not only physically am I forever dropping things but emotionally I am a mess. I am so whiney and irritable. I am not relishing every moment--which I think I should considering this will be my only pregnancy. Rather, I am wishing this birthday to come as soon as possible. I even made an apointment on 7 Dec to have my membranes stripped. Apparently 64% who have this done go into labor within a week. With my luck it will be Christmas week--just like the due date suggests.
I have been dealing with a cold on top of everything else. I have an unproductive cough and a deep, (sexy) voice but it does no good because I feel about as a-sexual as a person can! I only hope little Jenna doesn't get it. It is hard not to give her kisses or be close.
Hopefully I can keep up with semi-regular posts again.
Testing how to load pictures. Jenna loves her baths! Oct 2004 :rolleyes:
I am testing to see if I can start adding posts again.
Hi,
our new web server is up. :) Hopefully, Günter will update this web page soon.
Talk to you soon!
Unfortunately we had some technical difficulties with the old software to run this blog. :( Günter has now installed a new software.
Hopefully the old journal will be up soon and the layout will look like the old one.
Keep in touch!
A while ago (in a giving mood) I signed up at church for possible "talents" I could use to help the women in our congregation. I actually admitted that I could give presentations on self esteem, child/adolscent disorders and other general "mental health" topics. I didn't think anyone read those questionaires, much less would take me up on it. They did, and I agreed to give a workshop (40 minutes) on "How to overcome Self Defeating Behaviors". I dug out some books and pulled together some ideas. I even brought an onion and my husband's old stinky shoes (very comfy, but refuses to give them up) as my metaphors. Since it was a holiday weekend, I honestly thought few people would attend. At 6:30 (when it was to start) there were only 5 of us--3 were the "coordinators". Optimistically I set up 8 chairs in the room. By the time they dismissed to go to the workshops there must have been 30 people. I thought most would go to the aerobics workshop--I would have!!! But about 25 came to mine. I was nervous because in the audience were a few of my "ex-clinets". One who idealized me, and one that dropped out because she didn't like what I said (both made me very uncomfortable). For the rest, I felt like I was being evaluated by what they heard about my reputation. To make matters worse, I didn't eat dinner but stopped at a German store and got the Christmas Lebkucken cookies and ate them. I was on a sugar high (and soon) low. I did my best, but afterwards felt very insecure. I truly am my worst critic and on the drive home thought about so many other things I could have said and emphasized. I wish I wasn't so insecure, but I wish there was someone in the audience that would totally reassure me that what I said met the need and helped people. When I asked one friend she even shamed me telling me I care too much what others think. And this is even after years of therapy--Ha Ha.
Last Friday we had a "goal day". This means everyone can take the day off (I have to use my annual leave) if we didn't have any DUI's and met other goals. I planned this day for R & R. Guenter took Jenna to the nanny and I slept in until 11 am. There were many things I wanted to get done with this day, but I was so lazy. I did manage to pull a few things off (like laundry and basic cleaning) because I felt ashamed of wasting a whole day. Guenter also took advantage and called to ask me to pick up Jenna (at 3:30) so he could work later and run some errands. It was a rainy and cold day so mostly I read a book (Erma Bombeck on parenting--I needed some humor to keep my perspective). Once I got Jenna I basically didn't get anything else done.
Saturday the weather was lousy again so Guenter worked more on the kitchen and I entertained Jenna. And I mean entertained. If I wasn't making eye contact or stimulating her with a smile, she was crying. I was so frustrated at points because I wanted to rest. Another insecurity is about mothering. I thought I could do it, but I am wondering now... I have thoughts that not only am not helping Jenna, but I add to her problems. Likely I introduced baby food too soon and the result is this constipation problem that also affects her sleep, which affects her mood.
Sunday was a typical day at church. The nice part was when we got home and had some dinner we took a "family nap" at 5:30--all of us in the bed together. Jenna didn't really wake up again (except for bottles) until morning. She must have needed it. It scares me when she now (on rare occasions, like 3 times over her life) sleeps 7 hours without waking. I am so frightened she is dead that I actually go in and touch her, which startles her.
Monday was Columbus Day. Remember the song? "In 1492, Columbus sailed..." I didn't even think of him. Since the weather was nice, we got started early on the yard work. It was VERY cold. Guenter began on the back and side yard and I went to work on the front. That is when Jenna was sleeping or occupied (I had the baby monitor on). I had to replant most o f the perenials since they grew larger and taller than I thought and a rearrangement was required. There was a lot of sqatting involved (which I paid the price for with a very sore crotch and cramps). Then I trimmed them back for the year. Guenter rebarked the area. It was funny because he thought I "massacred" the plants. He doens't have a clue about gardening.
Since I had the day off, I can't keep track of what day it is this week. I have a lot of commitments in the evenings too.
Yesterday I had my next OB apointment. Guenter was able to come, but my doctor was in a C-section (for twins) and was quite late. The technition did her ultrasound and Guenter left. I finally saw the doctor. He ordered an hour glucose screening and also gave me a referal to the dermatologist. I was lucky enough to be seen in dermatology in the morning (saving a trip) and the doctor knew exactly what the problem was with my face (Ha Ha). He diagnoised me with "Perioral dermatitis" and told me this can be caused by tartar control toothpaste and consuming too much cinnamon! He couldn't give me an anti-biotic but gave a topical cream. I hope it does the trick! I am so self conscious of it.
Guenter took Jenna to the Pediatrician for another booster of her immunizations. She was so good with the shots. Thankfully Guenter also got his immunization of Chicken pox. I have been nagging him for a long while about this. He never had the immunization, not the pox as a child. I am terrified of what could happen to him if he did get them as an adult. Prevention, my dear, is worth all the trouble!
Slowly things are working out. Guenter got the sink and stove in last night. I must say that we had some tense moments in between. You see, we have very different priorities. Mine was for the sink to be done ASAP because I didn't like using the bathroom for all our kitchen water needs. He wanted to do things with machines and using more creativity.
The more I live the more of my control issue I struggle with. Since Jenna was crying incessantly, I was tense and impatient in general. I had my own agenda of things I wanted to get done (vacume out both cars and armor-all them). I had Jenna out there with me and she was fussy. So when Guenter was cuting the counter top, I got mad and told him to work on the sink first. He felt indignant since I should appreciate all he does. And I should. In the end he got it all done but I was mean in the process.
I am getting rather irritable in general these days. I guess some things are really getting to me. Last night I felt like a failure as a mother and wondered what in the world I was thinking about being a mother! I can't even comfort Jenna or figure out the feeding or sleeping issues! I called around seeking support of people with some experience and no one was available. Literally.
"No one is available to take your call" seems like a metaphor for my life. In fact, after 5 calls and people telling me to call back (and when I did they were on other calls) I just gave up. This really taps into my deep seated "issue" of never haivng enough. I am the thrid of 8 children and there never seemed to be enough. It was some years of therapy and hearing that "there will be enough" that I started relaxing and trusting my needs/wants could be met. But lately I am back to the scarcity mentality.
I wish people could slow down and find the time for relationships. Why are we all so busy. We are like human DOING not human BEINGS. Always rushing to the next thing. I wish we could all slow down and there could be enough time to let me talk as long as I needed, sit with me and drink some nice herbal tea and look at the sunset. I feel so sad because I can't seem to find this right now in my life. I want to share it with someone, but can't seem to find it.
Just like now, I must finish this post and rush off to a meeting and then rush to pick up Jenna then clean the house and tumble into bed exhausted just to get up again for more tomorrow.
I somehow got "enpowered" and worked through some of my frustration.
*I called the base police station to complain and they said the officer made a "jusgement error" about the speed zone, and I could file a rebuattal, which I plan to do!
*I am going to write the attorney's office voicing my opinion (hopefully in a diplomatic way) but still let them know that I will not be referring future clients.
*Guenter got the washer (and dryer that would leave black marks) out and put the new ones in, even though they are not hooked up yet. Tonight he will hook them up. I always get a bit excited about new things. I am eager to try them out. Jenna will have clean blankets and bibs again!
*The hot water heater was reset. I took a nice bath with Jenna last night (she is not yet sure if she is secure in the water). After she went to bed I even put highlights in my hair. That gives a boost to any pregnant woman!
* Guenter sold his scooter (bigger than a moped) and tonight we are selling the unwanted kitchen. Frees up space and soon I will have the garage back so I can park there (hopefully in time before the frost is on the car). There is still a lot of work to be done to finish up the kitchen, to be sure. We will pick up the new counter tops on Friday, then finish painting the walls (terracotta). On Saturday hopefully Guenter can install the rest of the kitchen and I can have a sink and stove again. I love my husband, Mr. handyman!
*Guenter dropped off the legal documents to get Jenna registered here in Germany. We had to get the original adoption decree and birth certificate back from the USA passport office (they needed them for the social security card and changing her passport name). When Guenter dropped off the documents (plus the certified translations) and told them that we only have 1.5 weeks to get the application sent to Berlin to meet the less than 5 month old baby criteria (which is less complicated). The man seemed to be sympathetic and will try to rush the job. I hope so.
*I made Jenna's next apointment for the 3rd vacination. I have been putting it off.
*I will take in the loaner washer and dryer tomorrow (rather than waiting 2 weeks for them to come get it). They wanted me to take off the day (from 7 a.m. until 2:30) and I would have to use annual leave! Bogus.
Things are slowly getting handled. I feel a lot better. AND, I don't have heart burn today either! How much better can the day get?
No, that is not Jenna crying. Actually she had an AMAZING night. She slept 7.5 hours without waking up. I told Guenter not to get to hopeful unless we see this on a consistant basis. I did feed her some babyfood (carrotts and veal) and a nice juicy bottle of milk and put her to bed at 7 p.m. and she didn't make a peep until 2:37!!!! I woke her up at 6:30 to give her a bottle before I took her to the sitter and that was the procedure. If we can only get it like this every night...
The crying happened to be mine. Since the five of my readers check mostly daily, and I assume you care, I will list off my "terrible, horrible" 24 hours:
* since Guenter had to work late and I was late leaving my job, I drove a bit too fast and got nailed in a speed trap going out the base. The thing that burns me is that they wrote it up at going 40 in a 25 kilometer zone. This morning I carefully looked and there are only 30 signs up! I am MAD. I was REALLY late to pick up Jenna and the nanny had the door open and Jenna buckled in the car seat when I arrived. I felt shame...
* In the evening I put a load of Jenna's laundry in (mostly the blue tinted clothes that look dreadful since the last load happened to have a new blue denim bottom that stained all the white--which I am mad about). Soon the whole house was dark and I accused Guenter of messing with some electrical thing in the kitchen (that blew the fuse). He denied this and I insisted that there was no other variable that changed! Then he said it was the washer. I refused to believe him. Then he flips the main fuse and it blew again and he tried this several times. I made fun of him for being an engineer and not having a clue. He yelled at me. Then he unplugged the washer and turned the fuse back on and Wha-la it didn't go out! He demanded I take back everything I said. I did. Then he told me that the washer was leaking (and still in the middle of the cycle). The washer we have is the European model that loads in the front (with a little fish-bowl window. How do you drain that out?! Jenna has no clean blankets or bibs now. I had to admit this to the nanny.
* Guenter came out of the shower screaming this morning. I think when the power went out, it blew out the hot water and there was freezing cold water this morning. I didn't bother taking a shower at all. I am gross.
*Guenter was in such a grumpy mood and said he was too tired because I kept him up (since the boy was kicking me I wanted him to share the joy).
*Today in the mail I get a bill from the attorney for Jenna's adoption. I have been sending emails telling them to finalize the bill. This billing statement shows each time they repsonded (to tell me they contacted the billing department) I was charged--they charge by the half hour (even if something takes 2 minutes). PLUS they charged (over $30) to write a nice cover letter (2 sentences) and forwarding the birth certificate from washinton Department of Health! I am FURIOUS. I am already suspicious of lawyers and these seem so nice but I am coming to the conclusion that they are unethical and trying to spend down all my retainer so they don't have to return any!!!!
*I now add heart burn to the list of pregnancy joys. I never had this in my life! I hate it.
Sympathy is wlecomed!
Guenter is still trying to work out the problem with the new server so this blog can continue to live, but he has not been too successful, unfortunately. He has written several emails and they expanded the space to run the program, but it didn't fix the problem. He is going to try another publishing system (we use Movabletype right now). If that doesn't work, this site is dead. From the responses, I have 5 viewers. Since all of you are people I feel connected to, I will be willing to send a personal email updating (you don't have any obligation to reply) if you would like.
I honestly hoped I would get more interest in the site, but didn't know how to "market" it either. The most annoying part is that some pharmaceutical company spam has found me and I get hit with that sometimes 7-10 times a post. We put a spam blocker on but some of these people know how to get around it or have sold my address to others. It is sooooo annoying.
I may try to start posting daily again, but if one day there is nothing, then expect an email from me and you'll know what happened! Till tomorrow...
Last week my husband's brother asked to move our webpage to a new server since he was getting too many spam messages. His page and ours are somehow connected. So Guenter worked to get the thing transfered but had trouble with this blog. He even had to explain to his brother about this blog since it was taking so long.
Unfortunately I wrote a lengthy post about the weekend and it was not able to save and it dumped it all. Boo Hoo.
During the interim I started wondering if I really wanted to continue this blog. I only know of about 4 friends that read it and don't know if others (from the blog-sphere) link or read. If you do, please leave a message.
I am wondering if I should continue because I can always email my friends once a week an update on life, but if this doesn't serve a purpose other than that, I may just kill it.
That would also eliminate the annoying spam from drug companies (they slip through the spam filter.
The weekend went by in a blur. Saturday we spent shopping until I was so exhausted I couldn't cope. Jenna didn't do much better. She does well in the stores and car, but when we get home and it's time for a nap, forget it! We had a very tired little girl that wouldn't sleep.
I am getting to the point I dread Sundays. I don't think I can sleep in because if Jenna is sleeping it gives me a few minutes to get some things done--like getting a shower and stuff ready for church. Should be easy, but it's not!
I must mention a very cute thing Jenna does lately. When she "slept in" to 7:30 a.m. on Sunday I put her in bed with me after feeding. She would turn and look to see me there, smile then close her eyes and go back to sleep. She then would wake again in 30 minutes and repeat this. It was so sweet to see that it was soothing her to see me. I feel asleep for a while with her then got up and did things. I couldn't believe she slept until 11! I was so hopeful church would be easier--to no avail. She even snoozed in the car on the way, but once in the meeting, she becomes restless.
I think she is over stimulated with all the people and activity. I spent most of the time either standing in the back (which is tired to this pregnant lady) or going out into the hall when she fussed to the point of distracting others. Finally Guenter heard her screaming (while I changed her diaper) and offered to take her home. We had Jenna's nanny coming over for dinner, and he was prepare it, so I was worried he could get it done.
Nevertheless, I was grateful to be able to get something out of the service. Lately I was concerned since I looked for excuses not to go. I wondered if it was further evidence of a spiritual slipage. But I think it is more about not getting anything out of it, so why drive 40 minutes each way just to stand in the halls and sooth her?! I think we will have to make arrangements so Guenter takes her after his meetings and I can slavage something form Sunday School and other meetings.
Later we did have Grace (Jenna's nanny) over. She is from Equador. It was interesting to find out about her life (since we only have time to drop and pick up Jenna not to talk). Her family lives near a jungle and there are Indians/tribes people nearby. She is 27 years old and has been nanny-ing since 1996! She has a 5 year old boy that was conceived by an American military man (who said he was getting a divorce) but in the end took no responsibility for his child and she went back to Equador to delivery him and let him be raised by her family. It really angers me when service members act like that and give a bad name for Americans in general! Nevertheless, I am impressed with Grace and her ambition. She wants to return (for good) to Equador next spring and finish her college education. As it is, she has saved enough money from being a nanny to help her parents to buy a house and truch and enough for herself once she returns! She works hard and is very structured and organized. I think we are so lucky to have her. Jenna loves her too!
In fact, Guenter is a little jealous and thinks Jenna prefers Grace over us. I am not too concerned, even relieved because it must mean Grace takes good care of her. I think Guenter would have the feeling if I were staying at home and Jenna perfered me.
It is interesting to explore ourselves in the new context of being a parent.
Yesterday we went to the BIL birthday dinner and blew Jenna's new sleep routine. At 7 p.m. she was fussy so I put her down in a bed room. She cied and screamed. It was humiliating because I was so focused on my MIL judging me. She even said, "I can't stand to hear crying. If it was my child, I would go in there." Eventually I couldn't deal with the pressure and did go in. Then it was a merry-go-round in and out of the room putting the pacifer in and trying to sooth her the rest of the time (with Guenter taking turns too). I couldn't enjoy anything about the evening. I left feeling more guilt. I am judged if I do this, and doomed (to chronic fatigue) if I don't.
On the way home I let Guenter know that we have to change our social lives. We will either have to get a sitter or have people to our house, but we aren't going out with Jenna in the evenings any more!
Unfortunately we had already made plans to go bowling tonight with friends so it probably will be another painful night. But that is it. At least until this is more managable.
As it was, Jenna fought sleep from 7 until we arrived home at 10 p.m. She was so tired and irritable that she wouldn't even sleep on the ride home.
On other topics: today I got over heated again. Guenter went to the "Rathaus" (maybe that is what we should think of rather than the German town hall--a bunch of rats working in there!) We are trying to get Jenna registered but it has to be complicated. We ahd the adoption decree officially translated, but the orginal decree and original birth certificate are both at the passport office and sent to the social security office for their process. Apparently the German side need the originals too and there is a time limit of 5 months (from the birth) or it becomes very complicated and has to go to Berlin. There is more red tape in Germany than the rest of the world put together, I swear!
Just today I got an email from the attorney's office in the states saying they got the new birth certificate (with us as parents) and will send it. If we had only waited... but now that the "rats in the rathaus" know about the adoption, they want ALL the paperwork!
PLUS I found out to get a German driver's license it isn't so easy. I have a liscense in Washington state but they don't have reciprocity but Arizona does, so when we were back I got one there. Now we found out I must also have a German first aid course, eye exam, my German registration and turn in my license (which they send back to the state so I can't use it there). It has to be complicated.
Then the last thing was simply picking up "gelb saks" these yellow plastic sacks that they make up place our recyclable "light weight" trash like cans and plastic. Not even that can be easy. They said that we have to call the trash collectors and wait for when they come and give them Euro 2.50 for a roll. Yes, we have to miss work for that. There is no other way to get them. It chaps me that they require this recycling but make it a hardship. It is bad enough we have 5 different trash containers in our kitchen to recycle paper, compost, general "muhl" and glass (each different color) plus this gelb thing. I feel so passive aggressive that I want to throw all the plastics and cans into the general and forget them. Will there be a trash nazi that knocks on my door and arrests me?
Ending on a more pleasant note, today I had lunch with my new supervisor. He seems amazingly "normal". I don't know how to act. I guess I am suffering from supervisor PTSD. We had a nice lunch and talked about some groups we would like to run, our treatment philosophies and even PERSONAL things. I am still stunned. Yeah, this is my luck, I get a good boss and now I plan to quit after my maternity leave. Why can't he be a jerk and make it easy on me?!
Yesterday was a pretty hard day on me. Because it is a bit isolating here in Germany--especially for therapists--a few years ago a couple of us therapist formed a women's group for support and to talk about techniques and general personal things (called counter transference if they involve the client). this group has had it's ebb and flows. some members moving on because of life circumstances and a core of us carrying in on. There have been tears when one person had a client commit suicide and others had death in family or trouble with colleagues. I had a lot of investment in this since I helped form it and has helped to define and coordinate it over time.
Yesterday I was very angry about the whole thing. Over a week ago I sent my courtesy email vollunteering my house to host and making pasta. I had a response from one person right away she would be out of town. Later during the week another said she had a class and would be late. Then in the alter afternoon I had an email from one person "quitting" the group. Anyone who has been trained in our field is aware of the etiquette of groups and you at least show courtesy by coming to group to process out. I was offended only because this (therapist) who attended only 3 session referred to the group as a "ring" and asked to be deleted from the group email but had trouble referencing it as a group. Okay, it doesn't fit her needs, but give us some time to process it. Since I hadn't heard from two others I called them to confirm and one I couldn't readh at all and the other said, "I just haven't had a chance yet to respond but I am not able to come, work is just too busy." This person also brought up last time that she didn't want a "therapy group" but wasn't sure she wanted to quit either. I set aside time in my very busy schedule to go to the group because I made a commitment. It chapped me that others treat it so casually. So I sent out an email to the one person (who I never got a hold of) saying I was cancelling the group.
To be honest, I think it is disintegrating. It is a shame too. But I am not willing to hold it together myself nor keep trying to add members that don't really want to be there or come like it is a social dinner party (come if you like).
But I cooled my jet. I am still rambling here on this blog, and that is pretty normal for me when I get very emotional. My feelings and thoughts fragment and I can't express them very concisely. Cheers for my husband because he listened to me rant about it for 30 minutes last night.
Speaking of last night and the sleep issues with Jenna. Things are going so smoothly it scares me. To death. Literally. We fed Jenna 5 oz around 6 p.m. and she was tired and went to bed at 7 p.m. I honestly thought she would wake up anywhere from 10-12 for a feeding, but she didn't. At 1:30 I suddenly woke up in a panic that she had died! I started sobbing and went into her room. I couldn't even hear her breath, which frightened me more (she breaths like darth vader at night). So I put my ear right over her face and heard a slight exchange of air. It must have scared her that I was doing that because she woke up screaming. I fed her, burped and put her back down to sleep. She woke up at 4 a.m. and let her cry (only for 20 minutes) and went back to sleep. She woke up again at 5 a.m. and Guenter fed her and she slept (deeply) until I had to wake her at 6:30 to take her to the nanny. We are trying to get it so she only had one feeding in the night (rather than 3).
She is making great progress and is much happier. However, I am having trouble with my sleep now. After I fed her at 1:30 I couldn't get back to sleep I was so upset. Then I was anxious about being anxious and how that might affect the boy (pregnancy). It was bad. I woke up fairly grumpy too. I seriously wonder about myself these days. I am a mess.
Unrelated questions: if anyone reads this blog and knows how to put monthly archives (for journal) please send me some tips.
After keeping a sleep/food activity log for a week, I crunched the numbers and found the following: Jenna drinks 33 oz/formula a day (norm is 24-32 oz.) and has 8 feedings (norm 4-6). She sleeps 14 hours TOTAL (night and day naps). The book I have been reading on sleep habits advises 14 hours/night PLUS naps! We have a VERY tired baby.
We always told everyone, "She is such a great tempered baby--only cries when she wants milk." Well, we only THOUGHT she wanted milk. Of course she drank it and settled down. But we knew something was up when recently we would feed her and 2 hours later she would scream again and we fed her more. After having hard evidence of the ammount she was getting, we could put it together that she was probably eating when she needed to sleep!
Last night we started implementing the change. We put her down at 8 p.m. and she woke at 12:30 and we fed her 5 oz. Then she woke at 4 a.m. and we let her cry. It was hard. It is a good thing we could console each other because I started to weaken and kept talking to Guenter so I wouldn't give in. At about 12 minutes her crying changed tones and there were brief moments where we actually thought she might be trying to go back to sleep, but she would wake again and scream harder. At 24 minutes (when she had a quiet moment) I went in and put the pacifer in her mouth and made sure her covers wer over her. She fell asleep! Guenter apparently did too. I was too wound up emotionally and ruminated in my mind for a while. At 5:15 she wimpered again and I went in and put in the pacifer and she fell asleep until 6:30. We got her up then (that is the normal time so we can get her to the sitter by 7 a.m.)
The strange thing was normally when she wakes she screams like a maniac until the bottle is in her mouth, but she didn't. She let me carry her around and talk to her until Guenter had the bottle made. I think we are onto something here.
I told the sitter about the plan--put her down after 2 hours of wakefulness. It is hard to know what exactly happens there. I can't control it, so I will make my request and let it alone.
I just want to say that I felt tremendous guilt for not going in to console her. I think Guenter did too (it took a lot of convincing before we went to bed about how we would handle this in the night). I hope we can work this out in the next 2 weeks.
Since she is 4 months old now we introduced cereal too (rice). She did not like it. I tasted a little and it was nasty. I don't know if it was the texture or the flavor (lack of) but she fussed and wouldn't open her mouth at all after the 2nd bite. On the other hand, I had an ice cream cone and she kept eyeing it, I was so tempted to let her have a little taste. I would even put it up to her mouth and she opened it. I think she is watching the modeling carefully...we don't eat the cereal but like the ice cream...she is smart! Besides, we give her the little spoon with flouride (which has a sweet taste apparently) as well as her gas medicine, so she expects that and gets nasty cereal. I don't blame her for tightening her lips.
When do people start letting a child eat mashed banana (sweet) or other fruits and veges? They say in the books 5-6 months, but I wonder what the experienced mothers do.
The other guilt-producing situation came on saturday when I clipped her thumb nail and she moved and it cut too low and bled. I felt so horrible. We got a little band-aid and she promptly sucked it and it fell off. I hope it heals quickly. I better only cut when she is asleep or use a file (or some moms chew their kids nails off).
I know this is only the beginning of the guilt parents experience...
Yesterday I went to see the perinatologist again. I am convinced that one BIG effects of the hormones pregnancy brings on is forgetfulness. I am normally compulsive about writing down times and information, especially about apointments, but when I showed up at 11:30 for the apointment it was a ghost town at the doctor's office. I waited, then found someone, then waited some more. The doctor and his ultrasound tech had gotten lunch and returned about noon. Apparently the doctor had my apointment down at 11! Nevertheless the tech did her ultrasound magic. Yes, it is STILL a boy. Now I feel much better that I sent the box of girl clothes to my sister who just had twins. She really looked at the heart chambers and values. The thing that really got my endorphines going was when she turned on the volume and I could hear (for the first time) the heart beat. I don't know why that was so cool because I feel him kicking around and my belly is getting bigger so I KNOW I am pregnant!
She compiled all the measurements at the end and said the boy is BIG and growing ahead of schedule. My measurements showed me at 25 weeks and the boy close to 2 lbs! Next week I start the 3rd trimester and I am scared if he keeps growing at this pace I will have a 10-12 lbs babv. When I told my husband about the weight he just said, "He fits into the family, I guess." This means we all struggle with our weight.
Since we are on the topic, I must say I was further horrified at the weigh in. I literally have to disassociate my feelings when they move the weight measurements. At least this time they didn't notice me slip off my shoes so I could save the weight of those (last time she insisted I be weighed with shoes on!). I have gained 25 lbs already and have 3 months (of the most growth for the baby) to come. I don't know how to cope with my emotions about this. I won't think about it....
After she was done, I saw the doctor. I brought up my "issues": the acne problem (which he put in two perscriptions for) and asked what his "policy" was on working half days the last 2-3 weeks of the pregnancy (which he won't support unless I have a medical reason, so I have to work until the day of delivery--Yuck!) and taking maternity leave when I plan to quit (he actually supported me in this). He didn't even do any further ultrasound or explore why my placenta is still low-lying (but not covering the cervix). I explored the birthing plan with him. Right now they don't offer any birth classes since their instructors moved, so I am on my own I guess. I told him I just wanted an epidural (I have nothing to prove) and he said I better learn some way of coping with pain since they won't give those until I am 3-4 cm dialated. I hope my old running "dissasociation" tricks will kick in. It has been a while since I used them, but I think I have a lot of mind control.
Then I was on my way. Somehow I am always a bit disapointed after seeing him because I secretly want hand-holding or "princess treatment". It occured to me as I walked back to the car that I am just another pregnant woman. Big deal. To me it is a big deal, because the journey was long and so filled with doubt. To doctors, I guess I am nothing to get too excited about. Boo Hoo.
It was a good thing that there was a long weekend for me. We actually had Friday off (had to use annual leave) to give us a 4-day weekend with Labor Day on Monday.
I used Friday to stay at home and rest. Guenter took Jenna to the nanny so I could sleep in. And I did. Until 11 a.m.!!! Unheard of since High School or being sick. I intended to work on the catching up the scrap book but discovered we didn't order a whole set of pictures from our trip to Nancy, France. Apparently we never got them on the webpage either. Since I wasn't sure how much space they would take, I delayed the scrap book project (how convienent...) Then I began getting the memento box done for Jenna. I placed special itens in ziplocks and labeled who they were from and why they were special. I didn't get as far as the scrap book there either. I found I needed to order more pictures for her for that. Another delay on that project--Ha Ha!!!
I am proud to say I did do a few loads of laundry and picked up the house, before I went to get Jenna at 3:30. It was so nice to slow down. The rest of the evening was spent with Jenna.
Saturday we mostly cleaned, prepared food and got ready for the big day on Sunday.
Sunday Guenter fasted and we went to church. I brought Jenna's special white dress for the occasion (although since it was so hot she wore a pink sundress for the drive and services afterwards). In our church we don't have Christening but rather a baby blessing ordinance. Once we arrived at the church I changed her and gave her a bottle. We were greeted by members of the German congregation.
Guenter was a little nervous since his family hadn't arrived and the service was about to begin. Right about then they came in. It was a shock and surprise that some people came. His father (who was flying in France) was there and his elderly Oma (who is not of our faith) came along with his brother and girlfriend (also not our our faith). We had his sister, her husband and 3 kids. It brought tears to my eyes that everyone showed such support. It meant that there was no difference in their eyes about Jenna being adopted--she was one of the family!
After a song and prayer Guenter gently took Jenna to the front and he gave her the name Jenna Evelyn Karp and asked God to bless her ("He took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them." Mark 10:16).
It was the sweetest blessing saying she had a long journey to get where she is and that she will be an influence of joy for all that know her. Also that her Heavenly Father and earthly parents love her dearly and if she stays close to them she will find happiness and love all the days of her life. There were many other beautiful things said, but with these pregnancy hormones, I can hardly remember them. I was crying throughout the blessing. I should mention that in keeping with my poor memory, I forgot to clip her pacifier on her dress for the blessing so Guenter had to put his finger in her mouth to suck on (which likely prevented a melt-down).
Afterwards Guenter spoke a few words to the congregation and I did too (with a translator). Guenter joked that he could have changed Jenna's name, but didn't want to face my wrath. His mother and father spoke as well. It was such a wonder, wonderful experience. I hope Jenna will always feel how incredibly special she is and how much she is loved, now and always.
After church we took pictures (one day they will be posted onthe webpage) and caravanned back to our house. We had already set the table, but since we had extra guests, we had to find a way to squeeze everyone in. It was chaotic, I can assure you. We fired up the grill and turned on the oven and finished up the salads. Guenter took the family around on a tour of the house (those that hadn't seen it). Jenna had not yet had a nap (and it was 3:30 by then) and she was getting cranky. Unfortunately the kids were so loud and wild and they kept waking her up. Finally we sat down to eat and Jenna slept for about 30 minutes then.
The family stayed until 9 p.m.! And no one offered to help clean up! Guenter and I were weary but cleared the table and loaded half of the dishes in the dishwasher. We wearily climbed into bed after the bottles were ready.
It was a good thing Monday was off, and it was a "Labor Day" of sorts for me. I had Jenna at home and discovered the dishwasher was broken. It took all morning to wash all the dishes and finish cleaning up. Luckily Jenna was still so tired that later we both got a 2 hour nap. In the evening when Guenter came home we went on a walk since the weather was so beautiful and then Guenter mowed the lawn.
My thoughts are very tender still about what a miracle Jenna is. Who would have thought 8 months ago we would be parents now? Every barrier we had placed in front of us (with the adoption) was moved without too much trouble. I count it miraculous that both birth parents were so cooperative and thoughtful for Jenna's needs, the passport (establishing Jenna's American citizenship) somehow was worked out--even when we thought it wouldn't, that Washington State had a 72 hour adoption law so we didn't have to wait 6 months, nor did we have to fly the birth mother out to court. So many things that are just amazing.
Even now, we ocassionally get (very short) emails from the birth mother and she is so content that Jenna is happy and she could get on with her life (I doubt she evr told any of her family still). The birth father is now deployed to Kuwait, but still wants to know about Jenna. We are very happy that they are invovled, but not too posessive.
I am just so happy that we can have a family afterall!
Last night the boy was frantically kicking again. I called Guenter and he actually got kicked FOUR times. It didn't bring out the same response. He just smiled. I usually run for the bathroom. It was sweet to see him enjoy the moment. I guess it makes it more real for him.
Jenna is going through a very strange period in her adjustment. The nanny said she doesn't take her afternoon nap any more and just fusses. We have been having similar problems with her in the evening and this morning (AT 4 AM!!!!) she decided to scream like a maniac. She had ben fed, diaper changed, burped and there wasn't much else to do.
We finally made the decision to let her cry it out--in her own room. Even though she is almost bursting out the sides of the bassinet, she still sleeps there for our convience (we can roll over and place the pacifer in her mouth and fall back asleep without much trouble). But she does have a nice little room, all decorated that is used only to change diapers and clothing.
Well, this morning she was banished there by her weary parents. We turned on the sassy mobile and let her cry. I felt like such schmuck for being a mother that didn't care to comfort her anylonger. But something has to change--for all our sanity!
After 30 minutes she fell asleep. Once again I was the mean mommy when I did the reverse to her and pulled her out of her deep, peaceful slumber to change her diaper and put her in the car seat to take her to the nanny. She screamed again. I wonder if I should start a savings account for her therapy right now! Ha Ha.
a man reading this.
a woman who doesn't want to hear about personal pregnancy issues.
Very modest.
Anyone left? Good.
I just want to go on record saying that my body is not my own any longer--AND I don't like it! IF anyone tried to tell me before I was pregnant, I didn't hear them. It's too late now.
Big breasts. Okay. I knew that one, and thought it might be "interesting" to have them for the first time in my life. But BIG aerolas? They take over half the breast and this morning I discovered BLUE lines over my breast. I look like some road map gone awry.
Big Belly. I knew that one too. Even stretch marks (which I only see on my butt now) but a belly button that is now an "outie"?
On the inside, that boy kicks around and find the most interesting spots. Yes, something like a G spot. No kidding. It might be pleasant, but have that while you are suppose to be talking seriously to someone about suicide...
Acne. I knew about that one, but I have something like a red fungus on my face now. And it NEVER goes away. My husband even gasps in horror in the morning and says it is spreading. I do my best to cover it with make up, that way it doesn't look so bright red only like flaky scales coming off all day long.
What else? peeing. How embarrassing is it to go to the bathroom and before you get to another room you have to go AGAIN? I tried not drinking water but was dealing with serious problems from that.
Tell me again, why, a person that struggled with fertility, prayed and hoped for all this for so long. Don't say I will forget all of it after I go through the valley of the shadow of death and hold such a precious baby in my arms because I have wisen-ed up.
I KNOW that my breast will grow larger and I will expect them to exploid with milk or be screaming myself from a baby trying to suck on them.
I KNOW that it will take at least 9 months back down and even then I will never have the stomach muscle tone nor the same body back.
I KNOW the boy will pee in my face no matter how careful I will try to be.
And there are so many things I don't yet know. Adoption was soooo easy....
It is a strange time right now. At work I am, um, actually bored. In a few weeks it will be hopping (once school starts). At home I have a gabillion things to do too, and not enough time or energy to do them. Actually I have a lot of errands I could do on base right now if I had the courage to just leave (when it's not my lunch hour). I could get gas, go to the thrift store (hunt for baby boy clothes), stop at the furniture store and price fridges, go to the BX and shop around, go grocery shopping etc.
Because I am paranoid that my colleagues will make an issue of me leaving for so long, I sit here and suffer! I looked through blogs. I read pregnancy sites. I looked at the family web site. I called a friend (I close my office door) but got her answering machine. Blah.
Too much time on my hands = drama. I hate to admit it, but when there is nothing else to do, I want to complain, gossip or I start over analyzing my relationships--even dredging up some old "unfinished ones". Today I started wondering about this blog. I know a few people visit it, but lately I haven't had any comments so my insecurity came out. I wondered if I should keep it up. I also felt some competitiveness with other blogs. How do they get so many readers? Am I too whiney or just haven't marketed mine well. Mostly I get the spams (which I am trying to quickly block out). Maybe there is nothing I am doing wrong, people are just busy and don't have time or want to comment on anything. I will try to keep myself in check and not "process" this insecurity further.
Last night we got a few more things done. We are making progress! Guenter mowed the lawn (just in time for the big storm to water it) and fixed some things around the house. He put some ads in the paper and expects a great response of buyers today (I am skeptical). After Jenna went to bed I musted the energy to clean cubbords. I mean clean. Since we bought a used kitchen, I got every little bit of dirt and stain off and shined it like brand new. I won't promise when I will get pictures up because that seems to always take longer than I expect, but I will eventually.
We are under a little deadline since Guenter's family is coming over on Sunday after church (we are doing a baby blessing for Jenna). We obviously won't have the whole kitchen remodeled, but people will be able to imagine what it may look like. We are discovering a few things along the way: we don't want to put up crown molding because it will be too close to the ceiling and I won't be able to display my polish pottery. We may need to put up tiles along the wall (between the higher cubbords and the counter top to guard for splashes) because we can see the wallpaper is cheap and if there is a splatter it will not come off. I put in tiles in my bathroom at my house in Spokane, Washington, but dread the extra work it will require. We will have to take down the cuppords again and cut away the wallpaper (down to the cement walls) and then put mastik, then tiles then grout. I am a little nervous about fumes while I am pregnant, so I would have to "coach" Guenter--which isn't the best thing for our marriage. We still need to order the counter tops. We are going to use what looks like fake marble. I wish we could afford the real stuff, at least for one half of the room (so I could roll out dough without it sticking), but it is not in the budget, that is for sure!
Anyhow, we are slowly crossing off things on the "to do" list, which is good because once I get close to delivery or actually have this baby I know that only bare essentials (washing clothes and dishes) will get done!
I better stop rambling, which is something else I do when I am bored or lonely. Thankfully the whole afternoon is full to the brink with clients!
I pretty well hang on just for the weekend. i count on it to rest and get a few simply household chores done. On Friday I actually made it to the passport place and filed for the new passport for Jenna (with our name--Hooray!) and a social security card. I feel proud that she will have these major hurdles crossed and hope she will be happy she has full American privildges. It isn't something I ever thought about until traveling abroad. Many foriegners enter the "lottery" and go to all kinds of trouble to become a citizen. I know I appreciate it because I now have visited other countries and know what a wonderous country we have!
After that I went to a BBQ for the entire hospital group and the other regional medical center close by (that services all the military people in the region). I ran into a friend that I met at the fertility group and she told me she is barely pregnant and scared to death about miscarriage. I offered as much support as I could but I know that it doesn't help when people give false hope and say everything will work out--sometimes it doesn't! I have kept her in my prayers and hope God will have a special miracle in store for her too.
I had all kind sof small things I wanted to get done this weekend. It was hard getting myself motivated, I'll tell you! I sorted out the maternity clothing--which was incredibly depressing to me. I am okay with wearing them, but some that my younger sister sent (that she wore) were size 10. That is the size I was from my senior year in high school until this pregnancy. Even those MATERNITY pants were too tight to wear. I was in the foulest mood and to make it worse I stepped on the scale and was horrified. What has happened here? I know that I ate (and gained) far too much in the 1st trimester, and now it is the belly (baby) growing but I am UPSET about this! My body doens't seem to be my own. I don't even want to think about weighing MORE than my husband, and I think he is is a little over weight. ARRRGGGGHHHHH. I am trapped until the New Year and can do something about it (besides trying to eat reasonably).
I also sorted the baby clothes for Jenna. My sister had twin girls a month ago and since we found we are having a boy and don't plan on having any more after that, I shipped all the cute dresses and such to her. I had to take pictures of Jenna in some that she never even got to wear--mostly because they are sleevless summer dresses and I don't send her to the sitter in anything but comfy clothes. These are show off clothes. I got the box all ready to send, but it was hard again to let go and realize that I only get one go around with Jenna. I honestly thought I would have kids when I was much younger and have free choice about having others. I planned to have lots of time and would hang onto baby clothes. It wasn't in my mind that I would need to quickly enjoy the stage because it would be over--for good.
I got Guenter to paint the kitchen (terra cotta color) and we began installing the new kitchen cubords. I think it will look real great when it is finished, but it is hard motivating him to do these things when he would rather watch videos or lay around. That is all I want to do too.
I won't bore you with any of the rest of the weekend, but Jenna was in a grumpy mood and I was making sure she got her tummy time despite all that. An OT did a mini eval (at my friend's party on Saturday) and said it is true she is slightly delayed in fine motor, but not to get too anxious because it could resolve itself shortly.
I better go, got a client waiting.
I rarely have time in the morning to get anything to eat at home. I get up at 6 a.m. and hope I can get a shower, blow dry my hair, get dressed and put on make up before Jenna wakes up (it is VERY complicated if I am not quite finished). Then I get her up, get her changed and make a bottle, buckle her up in the car seat, load the diaper bag with empty bottles, extra bibs and other things she may need, put on my rain jacket, grab my work bag and keys and haul it all out to the car. I lock her into her base throw in the diagper bag, my work bag, get in and drive her to the sitter. Then I lug her in with the bag, say a brief goodbye to Jenna, give a few instructions to the sitter and rush off.
I have a 30 minute drive and usually get hungry. Back in the early days of the pregnancy I always packed something to snack on (cereal etc). Now I wonder if I will feel light headed or be able to make it to work (where I have a stash of food in my desk drawer).
Today I stopped at a village Bakery on the way. In Germany, as in much of Europe they have wonderful baked goods. I was short on Euros so that limited my choices. I got a nice sweet and munched the whole way to work. When I arrived I grabbed the bag to throw away and I noticed that this bakery was established in, get this, 1869!!!!! To an American, this is unthinkable! However, many of the buildings around are from that era. I had a moment of wonder that I live in Europe and can enjoy such pleasures!
Guten Apetite!
If you want to see some cute pictures of Jenna, check this out.
Here are a few of Guenter's family and our German friends.
the BIG bear photo is my favorite!
It is lunch time and I am not going outside. It has been down pouring for most of the morning. It is as dark as night too.
Good thing Guenter got the yard mowed. I am glad my flowers get watered. I guess the fall is here now in Germany!
Who knows where the weekend went. I vaguely remember getting off work on Friday and here I am again and it's Monday. This may have something to do with it being a blur of feedings and sleepings for Jenna. I am reading a book right now about healthy sleeping. I am so hoping we can get Jenna to sleep more during the night, so we have a chance at some sleep ourselves. Partly she was fussy since she had her immunizations last week and for the rest I don't know why she was more demanding. I have wondered if she is so used to being held and having human faces smiling at her that she is unhappy if she doesn't have that constantly. Plus the Pediatrician said her fine motor skills may be delayed since she still fists her hands rather than putting them out flat when she is on her tummy pushing up her chest. Who knows, I am checking into it and doing an informal poll to find out when other kids did this. I am not eager to haul her into the OT or PT, so hopefully it will resolve itself.
Completely new topic: I am fixated on Michael Phelps. After watching him on the Olympics and admiring his easy-going nature I just can't get him out of my mind. I don't think he is too good looking (with his chin jutting out and all) but how does a 19 year old get so good? How did he beat Ian Crocker in the 100m fly? Amazing when athletes can pull from some inner strength when they must be exhausted already!
On a personal note: I am extra annoyed these days at psychologist #2 in the office. His narcisism is a rare thing indeed. On thursday my husband had a dose of it when he brought Jenna into the office (before we left for the day) and I went around showing Jenna to anyone that was still around. I didn't want to slight him so I asked if he had met Jenna. He said (without looking up from his computer) he had. I mean ZERO eye contact, how hard would that have been. I just walked away with Jenna and he calls out asking how my husband is. Now tell me why he works with kids if he doesn't seem to have any connection to them? Today at a goodbye party for psychologist #1 we were talking about the Olymics and he had to tell us all about his athletic accomplishments. For fun I piped up and said I ran a marathon too and ran on BYU track team. He looked at me and temporarily paused (like he wasn't sure what to do since it wasn't what he expected which was all our adoration) and continued talking about himself. Even when the psy #1 that was leaving talked about his life it always turned back to him and what he has done, or where he has been etc. I don't know how his wife could stand it. Does she humor him or is he different at home? I wanna know!
Who knows where the weekend went. I vaguely remember getting off work on Friday and here I am again and it's Monday. This may have something to do with it being a blur of feedings and sleepings for Jenna. I am reading a book right now about healthy sleeping. I am so hoping we can get Jenna to sleep more during the night, so we have a chance at some sleep ourselves. Partly she was fussy since she had her immunizations last week and for the rest I don't know why she was more demanding. I have wondered if she is so used to being held and having human faces smiling at her that she is unhappy if she doesn't have that constantly. Plus the Pediatrician said her fine motor skills may be delayed since she still fists her hands rather than putting them out flat when she is on her tummy pushing up her chest. Who knows, I am checking into it and doing an informal poll to find out when other kids did this. I am not eager to haul her into the OT or PT, so hopefully it will resolve itself.
Completely new topic: I am fixated on Michael Phelps. After watching him on the Olympics and admiring his easy-going nature I just can't get him out of my mind. I don't think he is too good looking (with his chin jutting out and all) but how does a 19 year old get so good? How did he beat Ian Crocker in the 100m fly? Amazing when athletes can pull from some inner strength when they must be exhausted already!
On a personal note: I am extra annoyed these days at psychologist #2 in the office. His narcisism is a rare thing indeed. On thursday my husband had a dose of it when he brought Jenna into the office (before we left for the day) and I went around showing Jenna to anyone that was still around. I didn't want to slight him so I asked if he had met Jenna. He said (without looking up from his computer) he had. I mean ZERO eye contact, how hard would that have been. I just walked away with Jenna and he calls out asking how my husband is. Now tell me why he works with kids if he doesn't seem to have any connection to them? Today at a goodbye party for psychologist #1 we were talking about the Olymics and he had to tell us all about his athletic accomplishments. For fun I piped up and said I ran a marathon too and ran on BYU track team. He looked at me and temporarily paused (like he wasn't sure what to do since it wasn't what he expected which was all our adoration) and continued talking about himself. Even when the psy #1 that was leaving talked about his life it always turned back to him and what he has done, or where he has been etc. I don't know how his wife could stand it. Does she humor him or is he different at home? I wanna know!
If I was going to visit NYC anytime soon, I would go to this. I hope it brings more awareness to the issues of fertility with a whole lot of humor (because anyone that has experienced it sure could use some lightening up!)
Other news, I am still mulling through my feelings about the maternity benefits vs. "abusing the system". After some feedback from friends, I am leaning more towards telling people I will return and come back for 2 weeks (the length of time to turn in my resignation). However, as I process it more, I could change my mind again.
This morning my husband said "I guess if you look just at the financial aspect then you will be losing hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next few years if you stay at home." There is a price to be paid for raising your own children and there is no money value for it. I also tell myself that if I had married (and had kids) young, like right after my education, I would never know (or miss) my earning power. It is only a loss because I have experienced it. Maybe not even a loss, but definitely a sacrifice. Besides, there are a lot of women out there that earned a LOT MORE than I ever would and they chose to walk away from it. I know a lot of other women that if they could even manage without, they would stay home too.
Today I met the "new psychologist". He seemed real nice, easy going and friendly. It kicked in my old hopeful self that things will get better around here. But I have been fooled before. When I went to lunch (at the bowling alley/subways) I saw him and his wife (she is a psychologist too) there. I wasn't brave enough to go over and sit with them. The thought crossed my mind that I might be tempted to share some views of the office (if they asked) and I know it is better he forms his own opinions. It will be soon enough the "other" psychologist will try to buddy up to him (the male/power bonding) and I will wait to see what he does with that alliance.
Tomorrow is our next set of immunizations for Jenna. We will be seeing a different Pediatrician and if he also expresses concern with her weight, then I will try whatever he recomends. The nurse in our office told me today we should feed Jenna smaller amounts (she is now up to 6 oz. at a time) so her belly is not distended and feed her more frequently so the blood sugar is more stable. I will try that.
My sister (that just had the twins) just sent two boxes of maternity clothes. It is so welcomed--lots of pants and a few dresses. Of course I will send them along to the next women that is pregnant in the immediate family. It feels so good to be supported--even with these small acts of kindness.
In effort of preparing for this baby and my life I (finally) consulted with the Civillian Personel Office about my resignation. What I found out is not good, at least for what I wanted. It makes sense from their point of view, but doesn't work in my favor.
According to them I can only take maternity leave if I plan to return to work. Further, they cannot allow me to take "annual leave" if I am intending to quit but will pay it in one lump sum (which a huge chunk is taken in taxes). She said that if I intend to return to work for at least several months, I can use these benefits, but not otherwise.
When I asked about when I could put in my resignation she said that whenever I know when my last day will be. Right now there is a hiring freeze so they don't even know if they will (or can) replace my position. They definitely can't overlap the two people should they hire.
So now I have to (soon) decide. If I want any of the benefits, then I must return for a least a month or two to work. In my field it would be strange since my clients would need to be covered by someone else while I was away and then when I returned (only for a few months) I couldn't pick up a large case load in that time, just to transfer them to someone else again.
Should I just quit outright after the baby? Of course all I get is my annual leave in a lump sum. I get cut off from all base services immediately then. I was counting that I would still have some time with the military benefits before I was cut off. I just don't think I am ready for that.
But mentally/emotionally, I don't want to think of returning to work (even temporarily) after the baby. I would have to find child care and deal with the sleep deprivation and pumping (since I hope to breast feed) etc. I am just not sure I can deal with all that.
What would you do?
Okay. First, my belly.
Next, ultrasound pictures from various weeks in the pregnancy. The last one (20 weeks0 in 3D is very cool--funny the boy has his legs folded up to his nose! They must be VERY flexible in there.
Speaking of the boy, he is now "fluttering" like crazy! I do feel like a live fish is inside my belly flopping around. Guenter was even able to feel it yesterday, so freaky!
We were quite busy on the weekend. On Saturday I cooked all morning (English toffee, lemon cake and bean salad). We left the house at 1 p.m. and went to a church summer party. The theme was appropiate--the olymics. They had a short program (with kids carrying in the banner) then all of us had 10 "events" to score at. Guenter won the apple bobbing one and I actually got a strike at the bowling one. I completly failed walking with a potatoe between my knees and an egg on the spoon! It was fun. They had a BBQ afterwards.
We left then to go to a friend's (from work) farewell BBQ. We are blessed that Jenna is so good with all the people that hold her and fuss over her. However, she is getting spoiled in a sense because she cries if someone isn't giving her eye contact and engaging her constantly now. I can't get bottles washed or the house picked up without her crying because I am not smiling at her.
Sunday I was so tired. It almost felt like a sinus headache coming on. I hope not. I know it is the right thing to quit my job because I wonder how I will even keep working until the baby is born. I am just too tired, and this is suppose to be the trimester with the energy!
I just finished eating some lasange! And it is only 9:46 a.m.! It is down pouring outside and I am a bit sleepy. I thought you would want to know. Ha Ha.
Guenter's computer keeps getting infected by a virus (even with our anti-virus program). Apparently it disabled it. So it will be probably next week before the pictures are up.
Last night we bought the first of the many appliances we will need to purchase in the next few months. Once I quit my job I won't have the "loaners" from the military so we are planning ahead. We got a washer. Now we will look for a sale on a dryer, fridge and microwave. I enjoyed pushing Jenna around the store because she would smile and "talk" to me. After a while she got fussy and i was tired and it was down pouring then too.
Eventually I asked Guenter to buy it and come home after he picked it up. We had two separate cars so I went on home, fed Jenna and put her to bed. I went to bed after doing a little house work.
The days go by so fast--get up, get ready for work, get Jenna ready, drop her off at the sitter by 7 a.m. get to work by 7:30, get off at 4:30 (get gas or grocery shop) then drive home by 5:30 p.m. Spend some time playing with her, change her diaper, feed her and get her ready for bed. Wash out bottles, pick up the house and wearily lay down by 10 p.m and fall right to sleep. Get up in night when my husband is getting the bottle and Jenna is screaming. Then get up again in the night for my turn. Typical day/night for us.
Speaking of night. We have an "issue" developing. Guenter only wants to give Jenna 4 oz. of milk during his feeding and she screams (like he is starving her) and eventually goes back to sleep but wakes up in a few hours and I have to feed her. She used to sleep from 9-3a.m. feed and wake up again at 6 a.m. So last night I got mad and told my husband to just give her 6 oz. I don't know what that is all about. She is starting to develop some distrust of us when we pull the bottle out and she either has to wait or doens't get more. She screams and screams. Poor girl. I think that there is something up again with that stupid doctor's opinion operating in the back of my husband's head. I don't care if we have a fat baby, I am not going to let her scream!
Spe
Our house is in a bit of "computer insanity" right now. Guenter is still trying to figure out what is wrong and isn't wrong. As many of you know, hours (even days) can go by with "exploring" problems within a computer. It makes me crazy after a few evenings where I exclusively take care of Jenna so Guenter can "fix" the computer and by the end of the night we are in no different place. I am realizing how he gets quiet obsessive about it. He will take out mother-boards and power sources and exchange them with other ones he has to see if that is the problem. He has tied up the phone for hours to download a software just to have it crash at the end of 3 hours etc. I try to be patient, but I finally reached my limit. I put my foot down when he wanted to try the same thing over again but with a different twist. Why does it have to be so hard? I just want to post some pregnancy pictures, that's all. Shouldn't be this hard...
We have other "electronic problems" as well. Last week a bad storm "blew out" my AmericanTV network (AFN) and we thought it blew the reciever or something, but come to find out, the storm blitzed the settings, so we got that fixed. Our other satallite dish was for a church channel and we discovered the reciever IS "kaput". We will shop for a new one, but there is no rush.
Tonight we are going to buy a washer. These German washers are very different--they heat up (cook) the cold water to the tempature you set and the cycle takes 90 minutes. We found a larger capacity one on sale and decided to buy since I will have to return the loaner ones once I quit (that is one of the benefits I recieve). We will look at refridgerators for the same reason and we will need to buy a dryer too.
I am coming to realize just what a "preventer" or "planner" I truly am. I remember being taught: "an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure" and I have taken that to heart and gone to an extreme now. My whole goal is to have our live in "maintence mode" by the time I quit and we lose the military/base privledges. I don't like to be rushed at the end either, because I never know if I will have the physical or emotional energies to make things happen when I am under a serious time pressure. So I plan and push to get things done now. Guenter has never operated this way and I think it really annoys him. He sees we have pleanty of time, so he puts it off. I know things will come up (we didn't plan) and there would be a chance it wouldn't get done. So I push and he tolerates me.
The end of this rambling really is to get the point across that soon, very soon, we will have some photos of "the boy" and my belly!
Jenna will be 3 months old tomorrow. Do you know what we will do? We will get the BIG BEAR down from the attic and take her next set of pictures. It will be obvious how much THREE months makes in a baby's life. It makes me wonder about the one growing inside me and all the changes! In 3 more months I will be close to delivery and we will get the picture of Jenna and one of "the boy" once he makes his debut!
It just thrills me that 6 months ago I would never have dreamed life could turn this way! You just never know what miracle is waiting, if you hold on and have faith.
Tomorrow I will stay home since Jenna's sitter is going on an outing with the older kids she watches. It is funny since this park is in the "village" Guenter grew up in! We went when we were "not dating" but I realized that I am not into amusement parks anylonger--for me, at least. I am sure we will take our kids. Anyway, I will stay home with Jenna and make her smile and coo as much as possible. I am filled with inmeasurable love for her. Sometimes when she is sleeping I want to wait her and hold her tight. And to thik I worried in the beginning if I could bond to her! I think that was mostly due to the fact that most people have pregnancy to mentally prepare themselves and Jenna suddenly appeared in our life. After the first 6 weeks of sleep deprivaty (if that isn't a word, it should be) and no real response from her other than filling her diaper and demanding more milk, I worried about the bonding. HOwever, I could not have imagined feeling this way a few months later.
Nevertheless, I have the same fear about this boy growing inside me. Can I bond? Will I be able to love both?
Computer update: it is still a nightmare in the office at home. Guenter has been working diligently to find the BIG problem why the computer crashes. Pictures will be coming, I promise! I think he finally found the problem.
Sorry folks, I wanted to make this special by having PHOTOS to post as well. I finally found time to get Guenter to work on that and he discovered the computer had a worm/virus. It kept crashing. So he tinkered around and replaced various parts (to see if that was the part affected). Then he couldn't down load the software to get the scanned photos posted. It was so frustrating.
But I thought it not fair to leave you hanging, even though he is trying to fix the computer soon so there will be photos.
Anyone who voted BOY is right! Yes! When the technition showed us (pretty clearly) I had to deal with initial disapointment. Of the pregnancies that gender was possible to determine, we had girls (3 times--out of 5). I thought with the time of fertilization and implantation, it would be a girl (generally from my fertility "Bible")
Plus, I have an adundance of girl clothing (some of which Jenna only wore once before she "outgrew" them). I had envisioned them being best friends, sharing a room etc. Now we have to rethink a lot of things.
Guenter jokingly said we could call him "Nikolas" since he will be born at Christmas time. I LIKED that--a boy named Nick. Then he said he was just kidding since the boy would be teased terribly around 6 Dec since it is St. Nikolas tag (where chidlren put out their shoes and get them filled with sweets). I know he will be teased about SOMETHING and there are a lot of great come-backs to this (since everyone loves St. Nikolas). Nevertheless, Guenter still wants to research a few other names. I like Benjamin but my sister already named her boy that. I have nothing to do with that sister, but she will think I am stepping on her toes, I am sure. Alexander is another name. It is hard to find one that is normal in German and American culture.
Also on the baby front, I feel the little boy kicking now (a fluttering). I am still not confident that is what it is since I have other aches and pains in the region (I guess from the uterus stretching or mild contractions--they say happen throughout the pregnancy). Anyhow, I am trying to shift my thinking.
If we only have these two children, then it is perfect to have one of each gender. To be perfectly honest, males scare me. I don't understand them at all. I am afraid that I won't be able to "bond" and may even take it personal should he pee right in my face while changing diapers. I have an "okay" relationship with my brother now, but growing up we really didn't have any connection. I would love to hear of stories where brothers and sisters can be close since I have no reference point of that.
So the 3D pictures should be up in the next few days.
I just got back fromt he perinatologist and we had a level 2 ultrasound AND 3D pictures! Tonight I hope to get my husband to scan them in so you can see. It can tell you it is a healthy child--they checked everything very carefully. I am relieved. The growth is EXACT on my ovulation/BBT chart--estimated birth date being 28 December. (It is slowly moving from 25 Dec, but that is better anyway). We are thinking of names now that we know the gender.
Either later tonight, or tomorrow I will tell the gender. Please cast your vote and some names, just for the fun of it!
Hugs!
Since I switched to the military perinatologist, they asked me to attend the OB orientation, which was this morning. First, as awkward as it was, the nurse (that manages the clinic) attended the fertility group with me (which kind of disbanded a year ago when I wasn't interested in holding it together) was running the whole thing. It was awkward because Jenna was born (on the ward) she desperately wanted to find a way to have the birth mother consider them for adoption since she has had no luck with any fertility treatments and they want kids. I think it was shocking to her when we got Jenna since the last she heard from me I was "moving on" and being okay with being child-less.
Then today was another shock for her. At first she eyed me suspciously and asked if I was pregnant (not just fat...) but I assured her I was and this was a surprise after 5 miscarriages. I think it was hard for her. I know how that feels--it seems little "miracles" keep happening for others but never you. There were other people behind me so I just signed in and found a seat. I don't know if I should seek her out and try to process her feelings or just let it alone. Weird, I feel guilty for 2 good things happening to me. I am usually the one jealous or feeling sorry for myself!
The perinatologist came and gave a presentation on all the "screening" tests and diagnositic tests--like the triple screen (blood sample), ultrasound and amniocentesis. He really explained why they don't routinely do ultrasounds (cost) and about the different genetic problems and why some people who are considered "complicated" get more services (which I fall in the category).
I am glad I went, I think I learned a few new things and understood some other things better. Plus they gave a free book and diaper bag.
Tomorrow is the BIG apointment with him individually. Guenter is coming and I am not sure if Jenna will or not.
Speaking of Jenna, it is sad to hear and see her with her stuff nose. Some advice (which I plan to follow) is to give saline in her nose (to loosen it up) and I have been aspirating it (mostly unsuccessfully because those bulbs are just plain awkward!) and we will get a vaporizor too. I hope she gets better soon. She is still so very good natured and will smile even when she is the baby Darth vader"!
I saw THAT client again (from that one post). I am happy she "fired" me in a sense. I didn't talk her out of her decision to move on either! I really wanted to process/vent to someone about the whole direction of the case. I called all my colleagues, but no one was free.
At that point I usually just get chocolate but today I persisted. Eventually I found not just one but several people called back and I felt so supported and satisfied.
I was able to get some clarity about a few things with my boss too. To one person I didn't even talk about the case but about the office stuff. Yesterday my boss did another one of his "dumps" on the psychologist across the hall, but it always involves me and the Dr. across the hall then misdirects his anger at boss at me. This time I was smarter. Since the boss put me in the middle (again) I waited until Dr. came out of his office to leave for the day and gave him the information that Boss told me to give him. Timing was good. He just took it and left, he didn't even realize, or get mad at me!
Well today when I was processing with my friend I went over several situations that had the same theme--boss transfers work to Dr., who doesn't want to do it then Boss calls me asking me to help out. I finally put together how this Boss does this crazy making and now I can have some power over and I will be on guard for the next time.
Another friend called so I talked about the case itself and realized what I wanted to say: just because I am a therapist doesn't mean that people have the right to threaten me (the mother said she understood why people get guns and shoot their therapist) or be verbally abusive to me. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity too. That is all I want to say about that.
Jenna has a bit of a cold (congested) but it is my fault since I keep kissing her and I had a bit of something last week. Bad mommy.
Yesterday at church the heat was unbearable. Jenna did fairly well, but I noticed a heat rash appearing on her tummy and back. I looked around to see if anyone else seemed to have a similar problem, but no one did. She was so thirsty too that I worried (especially since the doctor said she is over weight) about feeding her so much formula. So I gave her some water. She guzzled it down and had a near melt-down towards the end of church because she wanted more liquid and I didn't want to give her water or formula.
It was agonizing because I couldn't sooth her any other way. We didn't stay to linger at all after church but I wisked her off to the air conditioned car and headed home. At home I could strip her down and let her cool off. She was quite irritable the whole evening. We are so spoiled since she has a good temperment most of the time, but when she is unhappy she doesn't hesitate to let us know!
My "mommy learning curve" is very steep right now. I hope with this baby coming I will feel like a "pro"--ha ha!
I am not sure what to do. Too many good choices. At my church we found there is a (military) perinatolgist--a specialist working with high risk pregnancies. After talking to him at church, he offered to follow me. So I have been deciding if I want to switch. There are pro's and con's:
Pro's:
* He is American and speaks English and was trained in the American medical community--I know what I can expect as a standard of care.
* He is a specialist, in case I have any problems and I have more confidence in his training.
* He can do a 3-D imaging and knows of all the tests I might need
* He is very compassionate
* They can bill BlueCross/Blue Shield and get paid directly, and I don't have to pay in Euro and get reimbursed.
* I would know I could get adequate pain management (I had some bad experiences with the Germans).
* He is in my church so I would feel free to ask him quick questions in the hall, or get reassurance.
Con's:
* I would have to deliver at the military hospital (and there is no home-y delivery room there, I assure you!)
* I wouldn't get ultrasounds each visit since the Americans don't do that
*I couldn't be seen all that often since they are very busy.
* Since my delivery date is Christmas, he may be gone.
* In the German community I may get more maternity leave (they pamper their new mothers)
* I would have to be followed in the German community afterwards if I quit my job since I won't have benefits.
What would you do?
Yesterday I had a horrible session with a 14 year old client. We had some family sessions but each session she argues whatever I may suggest.
Example:
me "While were are in therapy we need to have some defined goals to work on. What would you like to change in your life?"
client "What?! How do I know...your suppose to figure that out. If I knew, I would have changed it and wouldn't be here."
me "What seems to be the problem that you don't know how to change?"
client "MY ANGER! OKAY! CHANGE MY ANGER!"
me "I don't change people, they change themselves. I can suggest some things you could do, but you must try them and work at change."
client yells "I CAN'T CHANGE! I HAVE A CHEMICAL PROBLEM. PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE BORN THIS WAY."
me "Even people with severe mental illness have capacity to change some aspects of themselves. You have some depression, and mood difficulties, but you can think differently about your life which will change your feelings and ultimately your actions. People feel more confident and happy when they use their power to enact changes for the better in their lives."
client "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE A THERAPIST. YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE...."
** It went on for a while but I offered to transfer her to another therapist, she declined, I offered that perhaps she doesn't want to change her anger at all and is looking for a way to justify it. I tried everything. She wouldn't quit nor budge. In the end she set another apointment.
I dread it. I have such little tolerance these days for a lot of things, and this is one of them. Thank goodness after I deliver this baby I am likely going to stay at home and raise the babies. Seems like a lot of things keep easing my anxiety about losing the income and benefits. I keep shifting my priorities. Serenity and happiness about my life (and hopefully I will find that in raising two children) seems to be the most important these days. Sad that serenity hasn't always operated my decision making.
Last week we took Jenna to the "kinderartz"--Pediatrician. It was a very hot evening and the apointment took about an hour. I was pleased that the doctor did a thorough evaluation. She gave us a Kinderbuch--which tracks all her progress. She checked every part of Jenna. A few things she said didn't sit so well with me. I will chalk them up to cultural differences since I talked to a Pediatrician at my church who said that the things the doctor was recommending don't necessarily mean that is what should be done.
1. Jenna is overweight and needs a "diet"--not the doctor's words, but she said we shouldn't feed her so much since she is lower on length and high (97%) for weight (for her length). Jenna doesn't seem overweight, and I feed her upon demand. I figure at this stage, she doesn't know anything except expressing distress when hungry, and I will continue to feed her. Another thing that bothered me around this area is the doctor said there is never an "overweight baby" when breast-fed because it is "natural". I can sympathize to all those mother's that get flack over choosing formula over the breast because there is such predigest. I think it is "natural" for Jenna to cry when hungry and to be fed until satisfied. I will not change this one bit.
2. Baby tea. This is a new thing for an American. I heard that rarely should we give water, but the German's give tea regularly. She recommended fruit or even black tea (diluted)! I have heard that different cultures get their children accustomed to their traditions very early in life--in Italy they don't give cereal but pasta, in Germany they give spatzel etc. I may give very mild (cold) herbal tea when she is very hot, but NEVER black tea--diluted or not.
3. She should never be allowed to sit or stand up. She should alwaysed be reclined. REALLY?! I am not going to pull her legs out from under her or push her back when she naturally wants to sit up. Since day 10, she has ben holding up her neck and looking around at the world. I am not going to repress it, doctor advice or not!
The other things said I could understand and live with (including changing her sleep and holding side since her head was beginning to look lopsided in the back (I am right handed so the bottle was fed that way. We are working to change it.
I just returned from our entire Mental Health Clinic farewell. I didn't think I wanted to go, but did anyway. The Psy #1 was there and they razed him about a lot and thanked him. He thanked several of our staff (and psy #2 who wasn't even there again) and the other (adult) psychologist who I am personal friends with.
It is times like these that it causes me self reflection. That is good. I guess it is like wondering what will be said at ones funeral and having the chance to change some things so it reflects better what you want your life to be about.
When listening to people praising them and all, I wondered what mine would be like. In fact, as I envision quitting after the birth of this child, it could be by the end of the year. It brought up all kinds of shame for me. Thoughts of not having a goodbye--just go on maternity leave and never return, entered my mind. Then I don't have to face what is said (or not said). I suppose this really gets deep to my core issues of self esteem and worth.
I know it should come strictly from within, but I still do crave the praise and approval of others. I think about when I left my last job to come here and the goodbye party. Of course a fair ammount of people came, but what was said was rather general and short. Then I rewind even further to High School and the "popular" people vs the rest of us--what is writen in the year books or said at comencement. It brings up the same feelings of inadequcies. I want to be the fun, energetic person that everyone thinks adds so much. I am usually represented as the "quiet person that TRIES to make a difference".
As I reflected, I thought I need to own a lot of this. I do keep to myself. Only close friends get to see the humor, the creativity the vulnerabilities. I don't like to draw attention to myself. Never did, even as a child. I freeze up when I ever was acknowledged (in sports etc) but the "shadow" wishes to be more visable. At my wedding and at church (in smaller groups or when I know that all the people there come because they know and love me) I can be quite a ham and interesting.
At work I bury myself in my office because I don't want to risk opening up who I can be, just to have it treated as unimportant. I watch people for a while before I decide if they would respond in a supportive way, and I usually only assert myself then.
I also came to look at how critical I am. Not only to my husband and family members, but when I don't like a collea
