Last night isn't the way I would like to see, or remember myself. I should have known what was too much for my teetering saniety.
My great need for order prevailed and when I returned from work (and saw that my husband had done a lot of PLANNING during the day but no work--on projects) I began grumbling. We soon left for the hardware store "Globus", which is a 25 minute ride. Once in I got a piece of pizza (since I was hungry) and told Guenter I would share half with him. What was I thinking?! I munched away as he pushed the cart then he questioned if I started munching HIS part. I nearly threw it at him. Instead, I handed it to him and told him to get going, we don't have all night! He started toodling looking at things in the iles. I became more impatient thinking this was going to be dragged ou till they closed and I was in no mood for this. I told him he should have gotten this done during the day when I was at work (it can't bother me then when he takes his time). He became very angry with me and "got in my face". I told him he was embarrassing me. He then walked off. I am ashamed that I am like an abused woman and pushed that cart right after him. I WAS NOT going to let him have the last word! I grabbed his coat and "acted" like we were kissy-kissy but gritted through my teeth that he better get his stuff so we can go.
It got even uglier. He complained the board of wood were too expensive, too knotty etc. I sat there looking glassy eyed. Finally we got the other things (after 2 hours) and went out to the car. I was quite passive at this point so he began loading the lumber in and said it won't fit. I told him to stretch it out the front side window. He didn't think that would work. Finally I just did it. Really irriates me that he can be so smart, yet so dumb!
We got it home and he unloaded it. I then began bathing Brutus (who chest and paws were caked in dried blood). I hated to do it to him since he is already struggling, but knew that he was a meticulous about cleaning himself before he became ill, so this must be demoralizing to him. He didn't cry or fight the bath. After I wrapped him in a towel and he just clung to me. I was soaking wet then too. I did my bed to blow dry his fur (it was a little to hot when I held it close so it wasn't very effective). Then Guenter came in asking (what I thought) meaningless questions and comments. I told him I was OCCUPIED--as he could see with Brutus shivering.
We were sitting on the heated tile floor (how they do heat here) and I asked Guenter if he would agree not to adjust the themostat in the bathroom any more because it was at a real comfortable tempature. Stubborness on both our parts set this bonfire off. He said no, he couldn't agree to that. I wasn't sure he would remember it or if I was gone...I lost it. I began ranting and raving how much this meant to me and it is small things that mean big things in marriage. He wouldn't budge his position. Then he struck a bargain saying he would agree if I would keep all the room doors closed. I refused. I like the house to open (and Brutus to be able to go from room to room). At this point it digressed to me becoming unrational and very emotional and throwing divorce at him (can you imagine? What a stupid thing to consider over this) but I had no other tool to use. It all ended with me telling him to get out of my life (to the other room) and I will sleep WITH Brutus in the spare room!
Of course I didn't sleep well and felt ashamed of my immature behaviors. I apologized in the morning and luckily he forgave me without thought.
I think all of the stress just built up into an emotional frenzy. I hope that it is out of my system for now.
Happy New Year. I'll be back on Monday.
It must have been the 24 hour flu--because Guenter was feeling just fine most of yesterday. In fact, he still went over to the "old house" and took out the garage door opener. Then we met at a furniture store to look at making some additions to our kitchen. Here in Germany people take their kitchens (and closets, towel racks and light fixtures) with them when they move, so you have to get your own. We bargained the house with the kitchen in, but it has been very inadequate. My other kitchen was much small in space, but there was more storage somehow. Anyhow, that is what is motivating him to research and find the kitchen cabinets that we would add to the ones already there. So we looked at several stores, went grocery shopping then headed home.
When I arrived home I didn't feel like doing anything. Brutus-boy has been especially hungry these last few days--eating a lot of chicken. The only worrisome thing is that he hasn't had a bowel movement in 2 weeks. I promised him (and myself) I would never again give him an enema after the last horrendous experience. So I keep putting it in, but nothing is coming out. Hmmmm. Maybe it can all break down. He still has blood on his fur (from his mouth) so I clean him up each day. He used to be so meticulous with his grooming that it is sad to see he can't even clean himself! Sometimes I feel guilty for wishing him to still be here with me.
I then laid in bed the rest of the evening and fell asleep around 9 p.m. Unfortunately, I awoke at 3:30. I tried to fall back asleep for 30 minutes then got up and began unpacking and getting ideas for how to situate things. Bad habit I am forming these days. I fell back asleep at 5 a.m. and the alarm went off at 6:30. I was running late for sure...
Guenter has been great with "tinkering" around the house these days. He loves to fix and create things--it must be why he chose to go into engineering! He has been taking care of various projects each day. We decided to build shelves for the videos and DVDs so he is planning the supplies. We found that we can't get the satalite to work unless we somehow put it on the FRONT of the house. That would really marr the look of the house. I am not sure what to do.
Tonight we will go to the hardware store and buy more paint. Since I have thur, Fri and Sat off (Sunday is my day of rest) I can paint and get the livingroom/dining room finished. Guenter was to work on his office today, but I don't think he got very far. During my sleepless hours I figured how to do his office, but he wasn't real convinced with my idea.
I actually can see an end in sight!
An amazingly lot of changes have occured since my last entry. First off, the Friday of my last entry (19 Dec) I got off work then scuttled home quickly. My husband was already there, complete with a huge truck (including a lift on back). Already one friend was over and they were getting things ready to move in. Soon the others arrived. It was a whirlwind of activity, or chaos...whichever you want to see it. furniture and boxes were whizzing past me. Unfortuantely, it was spitting rain. Luckily it wasn't enough to get things seriously wet, but enough to track muddy footprints throughout the house. I knew it would get worse before it got better. I helped direct people and carried a few boxes out myself and ran to get pizza at 6:30. Everyone sat on the empty livingroom floor and leaned against the wall to eat pizza and drink pop. We drove over to the new house and they unloaded it. It was overwhelming to see the rooms begin to fill up and knowing there was so much left to bring over. I seriously thought we couldn't do it with 2 truck loads. People went home and we drove back to the "old house" to sleep--which we didn't get a lot of.
On Saturday we were up bright and early packing up the bed and getting a few last things packed. Everything was moved out of the bedroom except Brutus the cat and a fluffy blanket for him to sleep on. Around 8:30 a.m. people started arriving. We were not sure how many people would show up (or cancel at the last minute) so we over compensated. Well, everyone showed! It was a great army of international movers--German, Americans and Russian! They loaded most everything but I was skeptical if we could still fit everything in the truck and our few cars/vans going over. We had to rearrange, but somehow it all fit! We trucked it over and unloaded it on the other side. I was standing at the door directing people where to place the boxes. It was a mystery sometimes since a few boxes were not labeled. I was just eager to get it all inside before the threatening rain clouds released their moisture.
They finished and some left while others stayed for the lunch that my mother-in-law brought (wursts, brochen and potatoe salad). After they ate and left I took off to the "old house" and started the cleaning. To be truthful, I went to the bedroom and cuddled with Brutus. While I was doing that, the doorbell rang. The landlord was bringing a couple in to see the place. I was embarrassed that it looked so bad--with all the muddy foot prints. After they left my husband came. We both worked at cleaning--he swept the garage and patios while I vaccumed and mopped. I was just exhausted by the end. Guenter had to leave to be at our church by 4 p.m. for the German Christmas party (which he was singing Greek in the program). I came later (too bad I missed his preformance). At least I enjoyed some of the program and the food. Afterwards I stopped at the "old house" and picked up Brutus and drove to the "new house". I was completely exhausted, but wanted the bed up. So I started putting it together. The place was bursting with boxes and random things everywhere. I didn't know where to begin and felt completely overwhelmed!
Thank goodness the next day was Sunday. I found clothes for Guenter to wear for church and he left. I did unpack a few things more. I didn't prepare my Sunday School lesson--I just didn't feel inspired. I decided I would take an easy day and let the girls (12 years old) ask questions. It turned out okay and after church they had a "linger longer" buffet. I was grateful to eat nice food, especially knowing I couldn't find a plate much less a fork at my own!
On Monday we went over to the "old house" to check out. When we arrived the painters were already set up and working. Soon the landlady showed up. We waited a while for the FMO guy to check the washer & dryer to the landlady. He finally came after I made a few phone calls to find out what was going on (our apointment was at 11). Then I tried to call housing (for the check out) and no-one answered. Finally at 12:15 I went on base to find out what has happening. Guenter waited with the painters. There is only one gate opened and the housing building is right by the gate but to get to it you have to drive all the way around the base on one-way streets--it was especially aggrivating! Once there, the receptionist checked that I WAS on the schedule, but didn't know what happened. I grabbed a few handfuls of chocolate as I waited 20 minutes until they called me back. A supervisor said, "an emergency" had come up. I mumbled that it would have been nice if they had called. She really apologized and said they could send someone out within 5 minutes. I agreed to that and filled out a negative customer card. When I went out to the car I saw that I must not have put on the emergency brake and the car had rolled into a fence (hopefully it didn't bump the car in front of it). I felt so stressed out. I hated everything. I couldn't find the gate that would let me out of the base--it was like a maze and I was getting very uptight! I went back to the house and soon a lady showed up. Guenter got the landlady again. They walked through. She criticized several things and in the end we had to replace this piece on the stove that got burned (I think it was a cheap stove, not operater abuse). We left after 1 p.m. and drove to downtown.
We went Christmas shopping in several stores but didn't find the gift that Guenter's sister requested. I was annoyed he didn't do this sooner so we didn't have to fight the crowds and stress. It was cold too! Then we drove to Zweibruchen to a hardware store. We were there until they closed at 8 p.m. getting 350 Euros worth of things for the house! I was tired, hungry and had a migraine by the end.
Tuesday Guenter's father arrived and they bored holes in the walls for new outlets. I was very excited that they found a way to mount a transformer in the other room and wire on outlet for 110v! I can use my American appliances in the kitchen. Yeah! It was dusty and noisy for 2 days. I unpacked thing and came up after them and cleaned up their messes.
On Thursday we painted the bedroom so we could set up the furniture. We really liked the base color but the color (orange-yellow) I picked for the roof pitch didn't look right, so I will need to sponge paint over it.
On Friday we unpacked more and put together more things (computer and Guenter work on putting in the phone system). We then drove to his parents home. We were the first of the children to arrive. HIs father was still mopping the floor. We ate a little lunch and then helped to set up. In Germany there are 3 Christmas days--Christmas eve (spent with spouse and kids) the 1st Christmas day (25th spent with family) and 2nd Christmas Day spent with extended family. At 3 p.m. all the kids/spouses and thier kids arrived. We exchanged gifts, sang a few carols and talked. The extended family (Aunts/Uncles and Cousins) arrived at 4:30 p.m. There was cake and coffee (caroa for us). The Germans have many varieties of cakes--all very yummy. Then we all talked, played with the children and dinner was served around 7 p.m. Then they have fruit salad for a dessert. We left around 9 p.m.--which is very good. We had a 1.5 hour drive back home.
On Saturday our friends came from Stuttgart. They helped us put up things and we ate Thai food. They even made our favorite game "Billabong" for us--the pirated version! It was so touching someone would go to all the trouble to do that since they know we love the game and don't want to spend 40 Euros to buy it! That evening after they left, Guenter prepared a talk he was to give at church.
On Sunday morning he left for church and I discovered that freezer door wasn't closed properly so all the food defrosted. I was aggrivated! I then got my lesson ready and left for my 40 minute drive to church. My dear friend (Dagmar) just returned home from her mission and I went earlier to church to see her. She is having a rough time adjusting back to "normal" life. I hope she doesn't get depressed! I said my goodbyes since I will be going to a different congregation since we moved. I will miss my sunday school class.
After I got home Guenter said he felt sick. Before he could make it to the bathroom he vomited ALL OVER. Yes, the door, floor, himself and everywhere but the toliet! It was soooooo gross. I started gagging like I would throw up so he felt okay enough to clean it himself. After most of it was cleaned I mopped. I felt so grumpy and sorry for myself AND guilty that I wasn't more compassionate to him. I can't imagine how nurses/aids clean up vomit or other bodily excrements for a job! There is no ammount of money I would do it!
So that about gets to caught up to my life. I had a busy day at work and Guenter got some other projects done. HOpefully I can write tomorrow but I will be off from Thursday until Monday again. Happy New year!
I am downing chocolate like there is no tomorrow. I am sorry that I missed writing the last few days but one was too busy at work and yesterday I was at a different location for meetings (no computer access).
Each evening we take loads over to the new house. I am sure I have cross to the side of insanity several times. Once was the other night--I loaded up the house plants in the Verso then went outside to the flower beds (in the dark, freezing weather) and began digging out my beloved bulbs. Since we live in row houses, another tenent came up and asked (in a tone that denotes he thought I was crazy), "WHAT are you doing?" I explained we were moving and I wanted to take my plants. He asked in a very soft tone (I think he was worried about soothing me until he could call the little men in white coats to take me away), do you need a shovel or gloves or something? I said I had a shovel, but it wasn't very effective (the ground was so cold that I could feel what was a bulb or frozen clump of dirt). He soon left shaking his head. I gleefully finished the dirty deed and sped off to the new house.
Once there, I am sure I made an equally good impression on the new neighbors. I was digging up clumps of grass int he flower bed by the front door making a place for the bulbs. I finally got the soil loosened up while people were peering out their windows. I cheerfully yelled a hello to a neighbor that drove up and let him know we were moving in this weekend. I couldn't tell if he seemed scared or happy about it.
Brutus is still hanging on. The hardest part is giving him chicken strips. He sort of sucks them down but, like old people, he drops it more than he gets in so I reassure him and give it another try. I think he will make it to the move. Yeah!
I am going to be off for the holidays. There is a small possibility that I may post during the New Years week, but I am not sure how busy I will be.
Please accept my best wishes for the holidays! Merry and Happy Christmas to you!
Yesterday after work I rushed home, hand fed "the boy" some chicken and cuddled him a while then brought boxes to the door. Once my husband got home from work we packed the Verso and headed off to the new house. Everyone arrived on time or early. The guy who moved the renters out had the keys to turn over, the seller and the meter reader was there. The house was superficially clean but a gabillion holes left in all the walls from pictures. I told them not to worry about that since we may use some of the holes, and the ones we don't, we can just fill in. We did the walk through and noted all the things that must be repaired by the end of the week.
This is scary now! I don't know if it is "buyers remorse" or simply me, but I wondered what in the world I did by buying the house! Even though it is "key ready"--meaning we don't HAVE to do anything on it now, there are a lot of things I want to change. I always get a "vision" of the way I want things then work to get it that way. I have a lot of ideas now, but I will wait and see when we get the furniture in, then prioritize the projects.
The last house I bought (in Spokane, WA) was a real fixer-upper. It sucked all the money and time out of me and by the time I sold it (to move to Germany) I was quite relieved to be free of the burden since there were a great many more things to be done. This house should be easier since it is practically new, but I already am skeeming with painting and smaller projects. Next summer the landscaping is the major thing to work on. I sure hope by then the exchange rate is a bit more favorable or I won't be able to do so much.
I had trouble falling asleep last night. Finally I did when my husband refused to respond to any other comments or questions. My mind just spins out-of-control with things to do. I slept until 1:30 a.m. then tried to go back to sleep (with Brutus cuddled near by) but couldn't. Finally I got up at 2:30 and did a load of wash, sorted some thrift items and straightened a few things. I think I went back to sleep at 5 a.m. and the alarm went off at 6 a.m. but I didn't crawl out until 6:30.
Brutus is hanging in there. Yesterday I noticed he was favoring a back leg. He just pulled it along behind him like it didn't work. It saddened me further. Despite his protests, I washes the fur around his mouth since it was cacked with old blood. When I look in his mouth I don't see any open sores, so I am not sure where it is coming from. His eye is still watering. The whole left side of his face is swollen (from the gland?). I told my husband if he lasts to Monday (I am off next week for the holidays) I will go put him down.
Once again I wonder why we can make this choice with animals but not humans that are suffering.
I managed to get through the weekend. I dread this week. Tonight we are going to walk through the house and get the keys. The rest of the week workmen should be over fixing things specified in the contract. Our house is piled with boxes and broken-down furniture. Saturday I spent in a strange emotional state. Most of the time I reluctantly pakced (complaining the whole while). I did my best to procrastinate, but still managed to get the tasks done that I had told myself needed to be done.
Brutus did okay this weekend. He only eats chicken strips now. One nice thing is that for the last 2 nights he has been coming out of his nest in the hallway closet and sleeping with me in bed. I wonder if he is trying to tell me he needs me to help him because he is feeling real sick again. Today I even gave him some medicine.
I arrived to work and filled in my boss that I took Thursday off. I was so mad (underneath felt shame) that he said I shouldn't use sick leave but my annual leave. I told him I was in bed that day from being up all night with my cat. It's things like this that really ruin morale. If I feel like it falls under "sick" time, then what's it to him? Nice that he makes himself the target for my pent-up frustrations. The morale is low around the office anyhow. Maybe it is just a woman thing (I work with 4 men) but they didn't plan one thing for the holidays--not a potluck, gift exchange or dinner/lunch at a resturant. I know if I bring it up then I will be assigned to do it. Now I will (knowingly) bash men, please excuse this vent because for the most part I respect men but I can't separate these issues: men, just THESE men in my office, just a person, or me. It seems like they just don't care about anyone here. No one asks to talks about personal things, hense no support is given. Maybe because I am a women, I care about how people are coping and like to offer support and compassion. I think employees perform better when they are cared about and feel valued.
And I just put in 2 years of extension. I think I will just go into "protective mode" and be cordial but not open. I will be professional, but never share anything personally. It jsut seems so cold right now.
Sorry for not posting yesterday. I took the day off from work after being up all night with Mr. Brutus. He hadn't had a bowel movement for nearly 2 weeks and I tried feeding him olive oil, which he wouldn't take. The vet recommended an infant enema. So we did that Wednesday evening. Bad idea!! He was vomiting and had diahrea all night. I was up with him expecting the trauma would eventually take his life. I was begging for his forgiveness and hoping our last moments wouldn't be like that. Well, he survived, and you can tell by me posting, that I did too. He is eating a very little again, mercifully. I stayed home thinking I may have to "put him down" but knew I couldn't do it. God will just have to take him or he will have to be in such acute pain that I can't bear it. I did stay at home and took a needed "mental health day" and cuddled with him and got caught up on some sleep.
News on the house: we just got notice that all the paperwork is FINALLY to the notary. I see this as a miracle. We are picking up the keys on Monday and moving in officially Saturday. We will have to transfer the money by Friday and be the owners then. It is frightening. I am sure I will have buyers remorse, but not as bad as when I bought my first house (In Spokane, Washington). We mostly have things packed and I am working through my shame of having so much stuff. I have promised myself to do a major de-junking when we unpack. I am glad the holidays bring some days off and a slower pace at work. I will need that!
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. I will write again on Monday.
I feel my vision is so myoptic. I only think of the move and Brutus. How I will welcome new focus after these stressors are gone.
Last night when I left work I was very agitated and mad. My extension letter was sent up the chain and one guy towards the top has to micro manage and wanted to edit. He was asked to concur/nonconcur! Grrrr. So it will be delayed.
When I got home I called some friends. I was shocked to hear one of my close friend's husband just found out he has prostate cancer. What a shock. I know so many people right now with cancer--that are relatively young. It scares me. Is there more cancer in the world now, or just that it can be detected and treated rather that people dying to unknown causes? I was very sad that my friend has to be faced with this. The amazing thing is that you really see how inspirational people can be. Compassion and support materializes in these people's lives. For that I am grateful.
Today my supervisor reviewed and signed off on my extension paperwork. I took it over to Ramstein and got the next level of the chain to sign and sent a routing slip around for the rest of the endorsements. If this goes through I will have 2 more years of a job. I need that extra time in order to figure out what direction my life will take. It has been a royal pain to write this up--I have to make it sound like I walk on water--which I don't. But if it means having a paycheck, I will trump myself up. I don't like to do it and hate it when evaluation times roll around because I don't like to grade myself. Goes back to my poor self image I guess.
Each night I am setting small goals to pack so many boxes. Believe me, I am VERY unmotivated, but have to push myself through this. When I stop to think about what my resistance to change is all about I think it has to do with re-inventing my life again. I know I will need to make a lot of decisions about what to let go of and how I want to be different with decorating this new house. It used to be easy and fun to decorate. Now it isn't. Too bad I can't hire an interior decorator!!!
Today didn't get off to the best start. This weekend was filled to capacity. On Friday we built graham cracker houses with the youth from our church. I bought all the supplies but found I didn't have enough powder sugar for all the frosting we needed. Somehow we were able to complete the project with my husband going for one grocery store run.
On Sunday when I was in my underware (in the kitchen getting food ready for Brutus) there was a knock on the window. I about died of embarrassment to find it was the landlady. I ran upstairs and threw on a robe and answered the door with the worst bed-head ever, but I was clothed! She wanted to show the house on Monday. Of course that sent me into a panic since there are many things I wanted to get done first. I somehow got to church on time, taught my youth sunday school class and went home. Brutus had been sick and hasn't had a bowel movement for a week. It really worries me. It must be getting toxic. He is looking sicker all the time. Boo Hoo. I hate it that the end is near. My husband came home after taking some elderly ladies home. He stopped to trade off cars since mine was nearly empty. When he got home he expressed how discouraged he was with members not willing to help out. He can't run everything single handedly. I felt bad for him.
This morning (Monday) it was VERY cold. As I was driving to work I made the plan to get gas before I went into work. It wasn't even 3 minutes later the car died about 1/2 miles from the base! My husband was already half way to work with his car pool so I called some friends and I waited 30 minutes in the freezing cold for gas to come. I was scared that someone would rear-end me. I even put out the hazzard sign and had my hazzard lights on, but I was scared. I was late to work and had a very busy day. This is the last week to pack. A week from today we pick up the keys to our house and can move some things in next week. It is scary for me. I really don't like change, the older I get! There is still much packing to be done. I am afraid if Brutus dies that I won't want to work but lay in bed and cry. There won't be time for that. I think I would have to delay the grief for a few weeks, if that does happen. I REALLY do feel on the edge of insanity and hope I can handle all the stress the next few weeks. Pray for me!!
I am so looking forward to a change of pace. If I can get through this stressful time... I feel very loved and supported. Last night some friends BROUGHT over a home cooked meal and helped us pack out the kitchen. That was so nice. I feel amazed when people do such kind things. It took many more boxes than anticipated, so I had some shame about all the junk I keep. How it could ever fit in that little kitchen, I'll never know! Soon I will get to clean it--which I am eager to do. Now that the decorations are off the walls, we can patch holes and get that ready. Slowly getting through this.
Yesterday I almost felt like I could relax a little--that it will all work out. But then I lost a long document at work and it made me tense up again! From growing up in the family that I did, I am always expecting "the other shoe to drop". I just don't trust things to work out naturally, so I get in the middle and try to control all the aspects that could go wrong. I justify it thinking that it is "prevention" of crisis but it is more than that!
My daily fantasy is just quitting. Leaving for a month and coming back and see that my husband handled it all and we are moved and everything worked out. I wish I didn't have to know all the stress in between. To be honest, I don't think he could handle it by himself. He gets overwhelmed when I give him things to do and has to "consult" me all the time. I wish I could have a someone that would manage everything and make sure all the details come together!
No real change with Brutus.
Tonight we are carrying on the tradition of making graham cracker houses and letting kids decorate them (eating candy all the while). My mother used to do this with us as children and I have done this over the years with many people. We have 10 kids coming tonight. I have all the supplies (I hope!). I wish I could go home and sleep, but instead I will have to have a lot of energy to manage the activity. Why doesn't the world stop turning until I get caught up with the moving stuff?
See you on Monday!
My emotions are very raw. Yesterday when I went home I immediately went to the closet to greet Brutus. I noticed red blood stains on his paws. I looked around to see if he was injured, and couldn't see anything. I then picked him up and washed his paws in the sink (which he fought). I couldn't figure it out but think that his mouth must be bleeding and he wiped it on his feet when he was curled up. It started me into crying. I held him and felt comforted because he started to purr. I haven't heard that in a while. I miss him already, and he hasn't even died! I wonder how people go through the death of a loved one that they have a long history with. It sure brings up feelings of poerlessness. Just how insignificant we are. Luckily this leads me to thinking more about God and asking for some extra energy and comfort. A song that I am listening to recently really helps (Hilary Weeks), "When I know I can't, he can. He can bring peace." I send a prayer up while I am driving to have some help. I think that is the main reason why I am able to function at all!
Last night I felt so overwhelmed again with the house. I was flitting around working on packing one room, then having to take something to another room, then began packing there until I walked to another room. I was so fragmented. I had tremendous shame lately when I see all the "stuff" I have. This is even after doing serious de-junking the last few months! I don't consider myself a pack-rat but when I have to go through boxes and see what is yet to be packed I can't believe it! Where did all this come from? There is no telling how much money I could have in the bank if I didn't buy all this junk! Then I think about how I am a very frugal person compared to most Americans and wonder how much we could all do for the world if we didn't buy so much useless stuff.
I got some good packing boxes out of the dumpster on base. I couldn't help but notice what was in some of the other dumpsters. I was amazed at how disposable of a society we are. I thought about how some of the furniture (that was perfectly good) was thrown in and how people in some other countries would treasure them. It is too bad we can't distribute stuff better to those in need. It would cost more than it is worth to ship things to the poor countries, but it is a shame we fill up the dumps like this and create more. It is sad that so many people are way into debt to buy more useless stuff that they will just throw out once they realize that. Just my thoughts...
This morning I woke up with a spliting head ache. I don't know when you cross the line and describe it a migraine, but whatever it is, I feel lousy. I was actually naseaus for a while and had some vision problems, but I am getting through the day. Last night I worked diligently on packing out the bathrooms. I have themes in each bathroom: one is the scuba diving love of fish, one sunflower and one tulips. Now all three are barren. Of course there is still TP, soap and towels, but that is it. It made it really seem like we are moving! Tonight I am going to wash all the lace curtains and pack more boxes. Tomorrow I will pack most of the kitchen. I really have to do this in stages so I don't get overwhelmed. Yesterday I got more boxes out of the dumpster on base. I think I will have enough and I didn't have to pay one dime for it! Yeah!
I made Brutus a nice nest in the downstairs closet where he has now set up camp. This morning I even moved his litter box in the bathroom next to it so he would have to up or down stairs. He ate very little this morning. He is getting so thin. Each day he sleeps more and eats less. It is so very sad. I am respecting the fact he doesn't want to be cuddled. I know it isn't personal. I am trying to let him die with dignity.
Work has been rather intense lately. Right now I should be writing a report that will get a girl placed in Residential Treatment. It is a long, involved report and I don't want to do it. I don't like the family so it is hard to get motivated to help them by doning a good report. They have not made any real efforts to attend family therapy or do much changing to help their daughter. They just want some quick fix--medication or sending her away. Agrivates me that some people are not very insightful or motivated to really resolve problems. Of course I am probably the insensitive therapist because I hold a grudge against them. We are suppose to have "unconditional reguard" for all clients, but I still have my "counter transference" and dislike some. I do my best not to show it to the families, but I feel it!
Gotta go now.
Have you ever felt your body was in over drive? That is how I am feeling these days. I had an apointment at the house for someone to look at the stove, but I didn't know the landlord needed to be there, so I had to reschedule. It works out because I have to do a check out anyhow, when the house is empty. In the military you have all kinds of check, so I also have to have someone come out and check the washer and dryer (they loan to us because it is 220v). So I could coordinate the apointments.
Another good thing, we actually got the bank contract in the mail today (after them promising it was in the mail for the last 2 weeks!) Now we are waiting for the seller to get his bank things in order. If it isn't one thing...
Brutus has not made camp in the down stairs closet. I have heard that pets distance themselves from their owners before they die. Maybe that is what he is doing. It hurts to see him withdraw from me. I want to give him a lot of cuddles here at the end, but he doesn't accept it. Breaks my heart.
I want to give a blanket apology for not responding personally to friends and blog buddies, but I am so swamped I can only find time to write a short note just so people know I am alive. I know things will calm down. Please be patient and don't give up on me! I appreciate everyone's support and kindness.
I had a wonderful time escaping for the extended weekend. As it turned out, my husband and cat left with me on Thursday in the morning. We arrived at our friends that live on the border of the Netherlands. We were able to chat then patiently waited to go to the big Thanksgiving feast the NATO base sponsored. The food was great, and I thourally enjoyed myself but didn't over eat either. See pictures here.
On Friday my friend and Guenter drove to Brugge, Belgium and spent the day there. What a beautiful city. We tried the Belgian waffles and bought (and ate) far too much rich chocolate. I think we walked most of it off though as we took the "Rick Steve's" walking tour. That evening our friend made wonderful Italian food. Unfortunately Guenter got sick that night.
On Saturday Guenter stayed at their house (with my friend's husband) and fixes their satalite while my friend and I went to Brussels. It was very cold and windy, but no rain. We mostly walked around the Grand Place. What amazing architecture and variance. That outstanding chocolates. Did I say we grazed our way along? That evening we returned and my friend's husband made some *HOT* gumbo. It was yummy (particularly after a cold day) but made Guenter even worse. We went home on Sunday.
There was unpacking and getting ready for this week. Things are totally out of control with the holidays now. We have the upcoming move (and boxes being packed around the house), activities and work. I won't even do christmas cards until the new year. I am EXTREMELY frustrated with the bank not getting us the contract and the seller not having his things done in a timely manner. If I wasn't already so far in with money invested, I would walk away!
Work has been overwhelming. The only reason I can write this now is that a client didn't show for their apointment. I only hope I can make it through this month with some sanity.
Brutus is still hanging in there. I had to hand feed him the whole weekend. Since we returned home he stays in a hallway closet and won't come out. It breaks my heart. Once in a while I pick him up and take him to bed, but he jumps down and goes to the closet. This is one time I would be grateful for someone "coming out of the closest"!
I am thankful right now for:
--being finished with a very difficult work week
--my cat still hanging onto life
--my husband that is so good to me despite my weirdness
--my good health
--good food
--my beloved friends that take time and energy for me
--God, for known and unknown blessings
--being finacially comfortable
--my values that direct all my choices
--living in a free country where I am safe from terror or tyrants
--being an American
--good books to cheer me up
--chocolate (especially Dove dark)
--telephones
--blog friends
--having my Christmas presents already sent
--children
--working in a field where I can make a difference
--many techers and mentors that believed in me over the years
--water (I love it)
--exercise and how I feel after a work out
and many more things, but I want to go home now. Happy Day to be Thankful!
Why can't anything go smoothly? Okay. I am exaggerating, and a great many things are going smoothly. It's just a very big one that is not. The bank that we filed the loan for the house is now delaying. They told us last week that the paperwork "was in the mail". Since we never recieved it, we called and they said that they are short manned and it will be 2 more weeks. The main problem is that the notary is going to soon give us notice that we must transfer the funds for the house within two week. If we don't have it then we lose all the money already paid towrds it--and it isn't even our fault!!!
There is no such thing as customer service in Germany either. My husband called the bank to talk to the manager, but they said it was the man we worked with (that told us there would be a delay). I just called and he laughed at me when I asked to speak to his boss. He wouldn't give me a name and said maybe it would be done in the next few days. I told him we would have gone to another bank if we knew they couldn't do it in the time frame. They simply don't care and there isn't one thing we can do about it!!!!
Other news: I called the vet today and cancelled the apointment. I told Brutus that I won't give him any more shots. I don't want his last days to one that he thinks I have betrayed him and I am now his tormentor. He won't cuddle with me and walks the other direction (even into the shower) just to avoid me. It hurts. He doesn't understand I was only trying to help. So now I am going to feed him what he will eat and let him die when nature takes over. No more medical interventions. I am at peace about this, but I will be very sad when he is actually gone. I will miss my dear furry companion of 15 years.
I will only be posting through Wednesday. I have Thursday off (for which I am very thankful!) and Friday plus the weekend.
I am a bit worried about taking Brutus (the cat) with us on our trip to visit friends in the Netherlands this weekend. I have spent a lot of time thinking about Brutus and his life this weekend. I think I am closer to letting go. He now avoids me because he associates me with the painful shots. He won't even sleep on the bed with me any longer. Whenever he was upset of in pain he always sought me for comfort. I feel horrible for having to inflict pain on him.
So I have come to the conclusion that I will take him to the vet on Tuesday and tell them that I am not longer going to give any medications. I will try to fed him whatever he will eat, but I anticipate that he will slowly starve to death. He is not in pain (from what I can tell--no wincing, whimpering, crying etc.) When I have fasted after about 24 hours I don't really feel anything. I hope that he can go peacefully and in my arms. The shots (high levels of anti-biotics and steroids) can't cure it (the stomatisis and immune system deficiency) but maybe prolong his life by weeks, at the most, months. The next step would be to place a feeding tube in his neck. I don't want to go to this level just to keep him alive. If he was living in past years, he would have already died.
While I am thrilled with medical science and all the advances, it really makes decisions harder. I almost feel like I am taking the role of God--deciding when and how to end his life. I don't like that responsibility at all. I wonder how God decides when it is time to take people from the earth. I am sure it is not easy knowing sometimes the pain the people will go through afterwards. I wonder if He feels badly at times for doing it too.
At any rate, I am trying to let go with love. We will still take him on our trip. If he dies there then we will return home sooner. I don't know if I will put him in the freezer until we can bury him at the new house, or ask the current renters if they mind. Till tomorrow...
Yesterday was quite difficult for me. After 3 back-to-back hours of difficult clients I was rushing to leave work for a vet apointment. A friend who works in the same building said she wanted to talk to me. I thought it was going to be friendly chit-chat, but she confronted me and it took longer than I had, so I was late getting home to get the cat Brutus.
I have processed the confrontation quite a bit to see what I did wrong, if anything. This friend has lost about 40 lbs. and I have told her that she looks great, and she doesn't need to lose any more--that we can never have the body back that we had at 20 years. Apparently she read more into this than was said because she took it that I was telling her she didn't deserve to have a nice bosy at 50 years and that I was discounting her hard work. She was also bothered when I asked her (after she came out of the bathroom with red eyes) if she was okay. Tired? No. Sick. No. Then I jokingly said "I hope you weren't puking up food in there." When she confronted me about this I told her that I am concerned about eating disorders because a lot of people are obsessed with looking thin and never seem happy, no matter what weight they are. I was worried she was getting on the ole eating disorder treadmill. Well, she thought I was inappropiate and unsupportive of her weight loss. I was shocked considering over the last year I have given so much encouragement and these two things undid all the other 11 months. Anyhow, I apologized and said it was never my intent. I tried to re-explain what I meant, but she got more defensive. Soon I just had to leave.
I rushed home, grabbed the cat and drove like a maniac. I was 10 minutes late for the apointment. As I was walking to the window to check in, I felt disorientated because there was water on the floor. Then I felt some on my leg. Brutus had peed on me!!! It was humiliating. The technition came out with a mop. I squeezed into the tiniest water closet (with angry cat, medicine supplies and his chart) and tried to clean up. I had to wait 40 minutes with reaking urine on my pants before I was seen. Brutus had lost more weight and his gums were bleeding. His fur looked good, eyes bright, but he is not eating. The vet checked and his lymph node had decreased but there was a hard lump on the other side.
I actually asked how you know when to let go. I don't want to be selfish and keep Brutus alive for my sake. I am not sure when is the time. I guess he would eventually starve to death. I don't want to watch this horrible scene unfold. Yet I am afraid to "put him down" thinking he might respond to another round of medication. It is so hard.
I went home, washed clothes and myself. I then got a hot water bottle and tried calling some friends (since my husband was gone for the evening). No one was home. I finally read a book until I felt sleepy. I even took some sleeping medicine (Excedrine PM) to ensure some rest.
I wish to escape the stress right now. Any suggestions?!
Brutus is doing better--Yeah!!! Once again, I had trouble sleeping (I start thinking of details we need to take care of for the move) so I cuddled with him in bed instead of waking my husband. His lymph node was reduced. I am so glad the concoction the vet made worked. I hated giving him the shots, so I am glad it had some benefit. He still has some liquid coming from his eye and sneezes occcasionally. I take him to the vet after work tonight and see what she has to say. I have hope that his life can be preserved for yet a little while longer.
I wanted to also mention that I have been feeling so tense lately that I have trouble with being patient and kind to my husband. He is being great and doing all the errands he agrees to in the morning, but, like he says, I am never happy. I do seem to be critical--finding another thing wrong once he does one thing right. I wish I wasn't like this. I know it is the way I am focusing all my fears and anxiety. I don't want him to feel bad though. I will work on being more positive to him. Nice that I have some accountability with all my readers.
Woo Hoo! Yesterday I recieved a call from the renters saying they found another place and are signing the contract today. They can move into that place the week of 8-12 Dec, so we could move the next week. Now it seems real...scary!!! Now there is no time to dink around, I have to get things packed and ready. I anticipate going into a lot of shame once I have to face how much I still have (even after several rounds of dejunking!). The timing for the move is great--we don't have to set up Christmas decorations this year and we will have the holidays off to set up house and get settled before the new year.
I like the idea of starting the New Year in a new house. There are a great many details that have to be worked out and done in the meantime, but I am excited to have a plan now. This is the about the only thing on my mind today.
Guess what? My favorite black wool mid-length coat is now sitting in the donation box at the base thrift store! Hooray! I have been talking of retiring it for 2 years. The problem was I couldn't find a suitable substitute. This year I became ashamed of it (because the bottom of the sleeves had worn away the fabric). I tried tucking it under (it would fall back out), considered sewing it under, but finally decided it was time to let it go. I
was at the thrift store dropping off more stuff I have dejunked (yeah!) and I can't resist looking around. Sometimes I wonder if I defeat the purpose--I get rid of stuff only to bring back other stuff. Today I discovered a nice forest green mid-length parka. I tried it on and it worked for me! I took off the hood (that was faux fur lined) and it was good. It has two deep pockets on the side (one for wallet, one for keys). I think I am set for another seven years! Ha Ha.
It was a cold, wet weekend here in Germany. My husband was sick with a cold, so I did my best to offer medication and sympathy. He had to sleep in the guest room since his snuffing kept me awake. No sense in two of us being in a bad mood! Nevertheless, we still did a few things over the weekend.
He replaced the spark plugs, fuel filter and air filter in his junker car (91 Mitsubishi colt). Then we workd on dejunking more in the basement. I am now at the point of deep emotional issues. The dusty boxes that I never go through, because I don't want to deal with the emotional issues I have around them. But, we went through them so I could justify to my husband why I need to keep them. These included: 1) a box of self help books (recovery etc.) my justification: books should never be given or thrown away. It's like throwing away knowledge--Ha Ha. 2) box of silk flowers--justification: maybe needed for a craft project or teaching little girls about flower arranging. 3) a box of dress up stuff--justification: I always saw myself letting my kids dress up funny or using them at Halloween for fun costumes. I am not ready to accept I won't have children to do this with. 4) box of cassettes (modern replacement of 8 track tapes)--justification: I don't want to spend the money to replace them with CD's but I MAY be in the mood to listen to some of my old memories. UB40, Simon & Garfunkel, Simply Red, John Denver etc. 5) seasonal decorations--justification: I always wanted to be a fun "mom" that decorated her house, making the holidays fun. I have collected a lot of stuff to use but rarely put it out because I wanted it to share with children.
Can you see any themes? I am not ready to let go of some of my dreams (having children) and my history. I also don't want to be a pack rat, so the conflict continues. I finally told my husband I have gone as far as I can. Once we move and I find we don't have the room to store it, or I am sick of trying to find a place to put the stuff, I may get motivated to throw more out. For now that is all I can do.
Brutus the boy update: still sick. However, he was eating better this weekend! I had an emotional break down on Sunday when I had to give him a shot (oil based) that he flinches when it goes in. Penacillin went flying and his fur was covered in it. I was crying. I hate him suffering--even the cure causing pain. I am just not ready to let him go. His lymph node hasn't reduced at all. I will go to the vet again on Thursday. There isn't a whole lot else to be done. I look at my boy and get tears just thinking of him not being there.
Sorry, everybody...I just assume that this webpage is working properly. Since I am relatively new to this blogging/web page thing, I am learning. Anyhow, I viewed the blog and read my last entry then clicked onto more about the post office problem and it sent me to the clean sweep ideas. What is going on? I already have an idea that I need to have a place for my archived entries to be viewed in case anyone wants to catch up on things after being gone for a while.
The thing is that I need my husband to help me figure out and fix what is going wrong. He has been so busy that I rarely see him except through a sleepy eye, which state of mind never retrieves the idea to ask for help.
Updates:
On the house: I contacted the renters and they are looking for another place, but haven't found one yet. I hope they will soon. We found out the bank will mail the contract next week and we can sign it at home (good, so we don't lose more work time) and the village of Wallhalben has cleared the property for sale (they have first rights to say they want the land for public use). I have been lurking around trash recepticles fishing out moving boxes. I have been dejunking and taking more trips to drop off stuff at the thrift store. I don't want to start packing until I know a move date. I need the adrenaline to conquer that task!
Brutus, the beloved cat: has been to the vet several times this week. They are using high powered meds to help reduce the swollen lymph node--without success. He is only eating this very liquidy food now and there is medicine in it. I have to give him a shot each day (scary putting a fine needle into his fur). On Saturday I will return to the vet to see if there is anything else. I want him to hang on...at least until we get moved to the new house. If he dies, I want to bury him there in the garden and have a pretty red sand stone as a memorial. I hope he can hold out.
Have a good weekend everyone!
While living over seas, we all learn that you can't wait for the last minute to do things. I agonized over getting together my Christmas packages. It is no easy thing when I have 7 siblings plus friends etc. But, I managed to make myself do it. I hauled it all out to the car and planned to go to the post office on base during my lunch hour.
I had to go buy more packing tape at the BX before I went to the post office since I had run out. Another thing, the military doesn't use common sense in ordering things. Hense, all the packing tape was out of stock. Hard to believe, since they pretty well know that there will be an increased demand during the holidays...
I bought some very expensive substitute and took off for the post office. I couldn't carry all my packages in one trip, and they freak out if you leave a package there while you go to get the rest, so I was trying to juggle a big box and a hug bag filled with 8 smaller boxes. Luckily a nice person saw my plight and offered to help.
Then I got in the line that was about 20 people deep. 40 minutes went by as we all did the soccer shuffle with our packages--scooting them along the floor as we inched along. I finally got up to the window and the lady asked how many packages and I said 9. She said they will only mail 7 at a time and I will have to go wait in line to mail the other two!!! I was numb. Again, another random act of kindness (restores my faith in humanity) surfaced. A lady that was 2 people behind me said everyone over heard my situation and they were okay if I just go to the front of the line and mail the other two. The maillady wouldn't allow it. So the kind lady said I could come to her place, so I only waited another minutes to mail the other two.
I sped off hoping to be back to the office in time for my next client. I guess there has to be contrasts in life for us to appreciate things. I feel so blessed by kind individuals today. I made a resolve to find ways to keep the chain going. You never know how much it can mean to someone. I try to let cars merge, rather than aggressively pushing them out, I try to hold open doors and find ways to help others. It really makes me feel so good inside.
They do say that depression is usually when someone is too protracted (looking at themselves). The best way to help lift depression is to help others. It really does release some happy chemicals.
This will be brief. Since yesterday was veterns day (thank you, all those that gave their life and time to defend freedom) I had it off from work. I spent the day watching my friend's two adoptive kids. The day went fast. We went to the swimming pool and then I had to take my cat to the vet. I am not sure how long Brutus will live. I have to take him back this evening. He is not eating or drinking and all the medications have ceased working. I am sad justing thinking of life without him. He has been my cat since 1989. He has been cuddling with me even more during this time where he is not well. I hate to see him go through this. I am not yet ready to put him down, but when I think there is no hope, I will go in that direction.
I was up very late last night, hense I can hardly thing straight. I am going to go home now and rest before I take the boy to the vet. See you tomorrow.
I catch glimpses of serenity once in a while. There are strange moments when a sensation washes over me filling me with peace, warmth and happiness. I have never been able to figure out how to create them or keep them very long. I guess they are there to enjoy and appreciate, to contrast the rest of life.
On Friday was my husband's graduation. Things are different here in Germany, so I go with an open mind. I think my husband has what is equivalent to a Master's degree in Mechanical Engineering (Diplom Ing.). Anyhow, the "ceremony" was held in a lecture hall. It was sparcely filled--mostly with graduates and tired old professors with a few family members mingled in. We sat scrunched up with the desk tops folded upright, holding our coats on our laps. There was a nice jazz duo--piano and sax player performing at intervals. Some department head came up, greeted and began with his power point show. Later they retired two professors (yawn, long speeches) and some man presented on this dual program for French-German Engineers.
FINALLY they got to the graduation part (2 hours later). They asked all the graduates to come to the stage. People quietly filed down into a group on the stage. Most wore suits, but some in jeans. Then they read off the names on the power point and handed them a lapel pin. That was it! The Ph.D students came up afterwards and got a mug and pin. I was stunned! A little more pomp and circumstance for me, please!
The one nice surprise was when my husband's name (almost--they mispelled the last name from Karp to Karb) showed up on a power point slide for being in the top 3 grade point average! The three guys went down and stood on the stage on recieved a glass trophy and a check. Of course my husband got the smallest check (250 euro), but hey, it's free money! And, it was from a company that wouldn't even interview him--Ha Ha! I was very proud of him, and acted like a maniac taking pictures.
Afterwards they had a buffet of typical German food--meat, sauerKraut and bread. It tasted good at the time, but my body still has not aculturated itself, so I found myself sick all night. No one else got sick either. Too bad, since we had lovely weather and I would have enjoyed being in it rather than in bed.
On Saturday my husband worked to repair his "junker" car. I was doubly proud of him for being able to replace the thermostat and hopefully perserve it's life until he can save enough to buy the car he wants (we don't beleive in debt).
Cheers to my husband. I felt the warm tingly feelings again!
How to process:
When sifting through your clutter you have to be brutal in order to make a dent.
Try to keep only stuff that is useful and/or practical.
It's liberating when you finally let go of things you've been holding onto for too long.
Labeling your belongings accurately can save a lot of time when searching for them later.
If your spouse tosses something you weren't even aware of, don't be upset, be happy the clutter is going with it.
When clearing out your stuff, keeping only things that belong in that space can greatly reduce your clutter.
Using a process of elimination can be an easy, structured way of deciding what stays and what goes.
Color coding business and personal files can help you keep track of what papers belong with what aspect of your life.
Color-coding storage areas can help you keep track of whose clutter is who's.
Being organized can make you more efficient at work. Thing won't get misplaced or lost in the shuffle if they are in orderly files and not random piles.
When you move from one place, or one country, to another, take the opportunity to purge your old things to make way for your new life. Don't leave your abandoned clutter with a relative.
Don't take responsibility for anybodyβs clutter except your own. If you're hanging onto someone elseβs extra stuff, give it back. Let them deal with it.
You should do a mini purge of your home every six months, to help you keep on top of the clutter, and to insure it doesn't get out of hand.
Cutting down the clutter helps you know what you have. Then you don't have to go out and buy an item that duplicates one you already have, but simply can't find.
Furniture
Furniture that seems to have no use can be repurposed and brought back to life with just a good sanding and a new coat of stain or paint.
Slipcovers are a great way to make old furniture look like new.
Picking up furniture at flea markets can make your redesign less expensive.
Attaching some fabric to just about anything can give it a refreshing new look.
Making the bed every morning helps keep your room looking neat and organized.
Putting large pieces of furniture in opposite ends of the room make the room feel larger and can add a balance to the room.
Old furniture may not meet your needs today. If it isn't functional, get pieces that are, and get rid of the old stuff ASAP.
Making sure a large piece of furniture fits in your space is important, and making sure it fits through the door way is key as well.
Paper Clutter:
Travel books date very quickly. Anything over two years old will be of little use.
Personal tax info must be kept for seven years. Check with your accountant or tax advisor before tossing business records.
Unread books can cause major clutter. When you buy a new one, pass another one off to a friend who may be interested in reading it too.
Junk mail should be tossed out right away, and separated from bills and other mail that needs a response.
Photos are great ways to trigger a happy memory, but duplicates and pictures out of focus are just more clutter.
Photo negatives can be tossed once you get pictures scanned into a computer. You will never need the negatives again.
Any mail with personal information like Social Security numbers or bank info should be shredded before being tossed or properly filed where it can't be used against you.
A small addition of a paper shredder can help you get rid of old bills, while not having to worry about your personal information falling into the wrong hands.
Letters can hold nice memories, but take up valuable space. Keep only those most dear to you, and let the others go.
Cancelled checks only need to be kept for four years, unless they relate to an asset purchase (house, car, stocks, bonds) then they must be kept as long as you have that asset, to prove how much you paid for it.
Bills, receipts and financial papers should not be stored under the bed. It will cause restless nights.
Clothing
Putting like colored clothes together in the closet helps you find similar items quickly.
If you keep your clothes on good hangers they're more likely to keep their shape and look better longer.
Nice clothes should be kept in nice garment bags in the closet. Label the edge of each one so you are able to find what you are looking for quickly.
Keeping one pair of "Skinny" pants is a great way to get inspired to lose weight. Keeping more then that is just cluttering up your closet.
Having 15 pairs of identical pants just creates clutter. If you don't wear them, get rid of them.
Having a few high quality accessories like purses, shoes and hats that go with many outfits is more sensible then many items that only go with one outfit.
If you have an old Halloween costume you no longer intend to wear, get rid of it.
Accessories are meant to accessorize something. If you're hanging onto an item like an old motorcycle helmet in hopes of buying a motorcycle, dump it.
If you own a piece of clothing that's spent a year or more lying around unworn and unused, let it go.
If you have a huge collection of accessories like handbags, get real and keep only the ones you actually use.
A person can only wear so many shoes. Sift through the ones you have, decide what pairs you actually need and say goodbye to the rest.
If you own a piece of clothing that's spent a year or more lying around in its original shrink wrap, it's time to unload it.
Rooms:
Most colors reflect light poorly. Green is one of the few that doesn't cast harsh tones.
If you have "cottage cheese" ceilings and want to cover them up, hanging fabric is a good trick.
If you have a small room, dark colors can often make it look bigger.
Painting the walls any color helps you stay organized. White walls are bland and clutter blends into the walls too easily.
Closets can be extremely efficient multi-purpose storage spaces.
Painting walls different colors in the same room can give a feeling of two rooms in one. Utilizing all the height of a room can give the appearance of more space and leave more room for storage elsewhere.
If storage areas are closed off, it gives your rooms a much cleaner look.
Old wallpaper can be covered with magnet boards you can use to display a child's art work. It minimizes the wallpaper's impact, and the art can be rotated as the child grows.
Old wallpaper should be saturated before you try to peel it off the walls. It helps to loosen up the glue and makes the process go faster.
A mirror on the back of a display case can make the case and the room feel larger.
Bedrooms are for resting, not for laundry. If space permits, make the most of your bedroom space by creating a concealed dressing area.
Office space should be separated from play space so that kids don't accidentally ruin an item you need for bill paying or work.
Sentimental Stuff:
If you have items of importance, they should be displayed or stored with respect, not stuffed away.
Memorabilia should be displayed with the proper respect or it's just collecting dust and creating more clutter.
Physical objects can trigger strong memories, but only the memories themselves are important, not the objects.
You can keep things that were gifts, but you don't have to keep things just because they're a gift.
If an item has a strong family attachment, you can give it to a relative to lessen the clutter without the guilt of tossing it out.
Perceived value of your possessions does not equate to actual value.
If you get a gift you don't use, get it out of the house. Remember, it's the thought that counts, not the item.
Memorabilia and special items need to be out and displayed or they are just clutter. No one can see them if they are hidden away in boxes.
If you're hanging onto something belonging to a departed loved one, ask yourself, "Am I treating this item with the respect it deserves?" If the answer is no, it's time to unload it.
If somebody gives you a gift you don't use, get rid of it. Remember, it's the thought that counts.
If you're hanging onto unsightly gee-gaws you don't use, get rid of them. If they really meant something to you, they wouldn't be lying around collecting dust.
If you have an unused item you want to keep in the family, give it to another family member and put it to good use.
Other ideas
A bargain at a yard sale isn't a bargain if it's something you will never use.
For a yard sale, look up prices on an online auction site can help you figure out the value of your items.
Heavy dust on a toy or game is a great indication that you don't use it enough to justify it taking up space in your home.
Fitness equipment was not designed for use as a clothes rack. Use it or get rid of it, especially if it's a huge bulky piece.
New and smaller technology can help you get rid of large bulky stereo and TV equipment.
If small bags are put into larger bags it will save a ton of space.
Craft supplies should only be kept for current projects. Small scraps that "might" be used can just pile up and cause clutter.
Toys are fun for kids when they are played with. If they never get used, they are just more clutter in your life.
Record albums are great if you use them, if not, they are just clutter in our digital world of CD and DVD.
Cheaply made toys or promotional items are not good collectibles; they just create clutter, and take up valuable storage space.
Having toys for visiting grand kids is a great idea. Teaching the kids to put all the toys back where they belong when playtime is over is a skill they can use for life.
One person's trash may be another person's treasure. Hold a yard sale and let your clutter move from your home, and make some money in the process.
Perfume has an expiration date. Check the number on the bottom of the bottle. The last number is the year it was made. Over three years old should be tossed.
Valuable items that you want to purge can be sold at auction or on-line to realize their full value.
Musical instruments are meant to be played, not used as hat stands. Display them in a way that is eye catching and yet easily accessible when it's time to make some music.
Toy collections from your youth are great fun, and nice to pass on to your kids. But if you have outgrown them, get rid of them.
If you have an old stereo that takes up a lot of space, look into upgrading your technology and getting something smaller.
Keeping a desk in the garage for some future use just takes up space and creates clutter - use it or lose it.
If you've been hanging onto old gizmos like outdated computers, pick the most recent, useable version and get rid of the rest.
If you have a hobby or interest (like camping) that comes with a lot of equipment, find a way to keep and organize only the most up-to-date, useful pieces and unload the outdated duplicates. Nobody needs three six-man tents or six coolers.
Create specific spaces for specific activities, like home beer-brewing. Nobody needs to see your alcohol fermenting in the middle of a room.
Musical instruments are made to be played, not to collect dust. If you have an old musical instrument you don't use, give it to someone who will put it to good use.
Yesterday I didn't have the greatest attitude. It didn't get any better as the evening progressed either. I picked up some pizza and my huband and I drove out to a village (the person told us it was 20 minute drive but it really was 55). The person forgot we were visiting (bringing dinner). They had some friends come over while we were there that were smoking like a chimney. By the time we left I had a BAD headache. We still had to stop at another persons home to drop off somethings. It was dark, and there was construction so we missed the exit. I was tense, hense my husband became tense. I was glad when we finally got home (around 10 p.m.) I went straight to bed.
I woke up with a bad headach and have NO MOTIVATIO today. I somehow managed to finish writing my reports and seeing a client but I feel so lazy. I want to go to sleep. It is too bad that work always interferes with me taking care of myself! Have a nice weekend. I hope I come back in a more relaxed mood!
I don't want to be a grumpy person but around 12:30 I became very much so. Despite voicing my desires and trying to set some boundaries, our office always starts weekly staff meetings on Thursday around 11 a.m. Sometimes they have gone to 1:00 and I don't even get a lunch. For a few weeks (when I had another meeting to get to that required a 20 minute drive) I suggested we start earlier so we can end before the lunch hour. After some sarcastic comments from staff, it stayed the same. Today I even jokingly (always a bit of truth in all kidding) made everyone swear not to go off on tangents, so we could get done within an hour.
Can you guess what time we got done?
12:20! The only reason it ended then is because several times I mentioned we were digressing and reminded everyone of the lunch hour. Finally when they (I am the only woman) were hashing over some unimportant issue, I aksed if we were done. Then I left. I was very hungry and irritated. Not a good combination!!!
To make matters worse one topic was office coverage for Christmas. Last meeting everyone put in what they wanted and then today the boss said he didn't like how it turned out (he didn't know what he wanted then) so he cancelled my leave. In part this was due to the military psychologist not being happy because he wanted to go skiing. So I can't take off any time (other than the federal holidays).
It doesn't take a lot to set me off. I went to the commisary to get a sandwhich and boxes (to start packing for the undetermined move). I hope I can nuetralize my mood before my client shows up. Nothing worse than an irritable therapist!
The colors here are unbelievable! The bright yellows, oranges and burnt reds, just gets me high! And...we have nice weather. What that means in Germany is: no rain! I can't wait until work is done and I can go outside. The down side is that it gets dark so early that I can't even do much before the sun goes down. Boo Hoo.
The main thing on my mind right now is my extension paperwork. I came her on a 5 year contract and next September that expires. My supervisor is willing to put in extension paperwork but rarely does the Federal government approve them. I guess they want to give other people the opportunity to work overseas. In this day and age (poor economy and terrorism) I wonder why anyone would want to go abroad to live. I haven't met any anti-American sentiment directly, but they warn us about places and times of demonstrations. Sometimes when we are out and we see anti-American things going on I insist my husband only speak to me in German and I try to answer in what little I can. I can't even imagine people that actually live in, or near countries that are REALLY anti-American.
It has been interesting being married to a German through this whole terrorist and war thing. In general the Germans (and Europeans in general) strongly disagree with us being in Iraq. I have feelings on both sides of the issue. But I work for those that are protecting freedom in the world, so I guess I lean more towards the military side. But, it does cause me to contemplate things a lot.
Since we are over here in Germany, and English resources are limited, some of us psychotherapists have gotten together for a group. It started about a year ago after a conference we decided it would be nice to have a place to talk about our struggles and get support. We began with one time a month. It has now evolved to twice a month with a dinner (we rotate houses and it's potluck).
Last night the group was at my house and I made a nice hot pot of potatoe soup. It was perfect since it was a cold rainy night with wet leaves blowing around. I lite the candles and put on some relaxing back ground music and people started coming shortly after 6 p.m.
We are careful about confidentiality and don't discuss cases we see, except when it is a big problem. One lady had someone that suicided and needed desperately to debrief the guilt and pain around it. We occasionally process about the stress in the workplace (including supervisors) and our personal issues.
I have actually revealed some "secrets" there. I am not sure if it helped me or not, but there is something to be said for vulnerability. I have noticed that other members don't share such intimate information.
I shared that I was briefly married (less than a year) in 1988 (no kids). I did this during a transition time (I finished graduated school and was scared about what direction to take in my life). I quickly figured out it wasn't the right thing and got out of it. I don't tell many friends, unless it is relevant to our relationship. Yes, there is some shame because there are judgemental people out there that would look at me differently. I dated a bit during the 11 years in-between. Some very interesting guys: a PhD student in biochemistry, 2 gay guys (that seriously proposed, one I turned down and one I got engaged to then it crumbled apart), a very nice social worker, and a few casual relationships that didn't ammount to anything. I admit I had a lot of confusion about love and finding a healthy relationship in the past. I think I did pretty good with my husband, although at times I can be quite irrational (aren't most women?) and make up problems that don't need to be there. So, now you know my secrets too. I feel a bit of anxiety knowing I went public with this news, but I know it is good for me to be honest and realize that I didn't do anything shameful. I made mistakes and I am human.
This weekend, of course, was Halloween. The week was full with carnivals and parties where the parents had the fun of dressing up themselves and their kids. The German's don't celebrate this holiday but all the American (military) communities do. I had church and work parties galore. I thought it would be hard being around all the cute kids and feeling sad I don't have one of my own, but it wasn't! I had a total blast teasing kids and offering to give double candy rations if they could do a trick for a treat. I saw some very interesting things with these kids. I did some interesting things too--I showed my "rubber arm" (where I make my arm grow from a loose sleeve). I realize that I could have a lot of fun just enjoying myself and concentrating on others. Plus I have the advantage of going home without a child that is hyperactive and moody from sugar overload!
I did over indulge in too much candy myself--but I apid the price! Saturday I had a horrible headache and was dragging around the whole day. Just like an addict--thinking if I wanted to dip into the left over candy to help or not. I knew it would just make it worse. Today I am feeling better.
The rest of the weekend was spent dealing with in-law family politics. My husband's brother and his wife came to visit. Apparently there have been some poor communication on my husband's part (can you imagine?). He is rather abrupt (rude?) when he recieves personal calls at work. I don't take it personally, but others don't know why he is like this so they think he is mad at them. I tried my best to coax him to talk to his brother and repair some of the hurt feelings (I heard from the SIL). Well, it was painful for 2 men to accomplish this--maybe it was a two minute conversation--maybe... HIs family is not very communicative about conflicts. Their mother will tell other parties who is upset at whom (in effort to get someone to address it directly? when she doesn't have the courage to do so). It is very hard for me not to get frustrated or involved by getting the family to resolve the conflicts. I like being direct and open, but have found that I have hurt a few people in his family. (I didn't say anything particularily hurtful just things that are occuring). Unfortunately for my husband I "process" this with him and push him to address things. It is a tangled web. I am looking to find a way to learn to accept the things I cannot change (is that how it goes?)....Till tomorrow....
Can you believe it? I had another sleepless night. I woke up at 2:30 a.m. (cat trying to get under the blanket) and couldn't go back to sleep at all. I laid there for a while, did deep breathing, imaging, petting cat etc. Then I went to get a drink and came back and my mind starting thinking all kinds of random thoughts: we better get winter tires for Guenter's car, maybe he can buy some now to fit his junker car (if they are the same size of the wheels) and use them on the new car he wants to buy; I think I'll put up a shelf over the window in the kitchen of the new house; when will the renters move out? What if it is March? What if they can't find another place that is comparable? I think can get extra boxes to start packing in that dumpster behind the gym. I need to dejunk more before we move--no sense in dragging useless stuff to the new house. I better stop at the Thrift store and pick up my consignment check soon. Tomorrow I need to bring home my stuff for my reconciliation of utility appointment. I have 3 clients scheduled for tomorrow.
If I don't get to sleep I won't be able to think clear. I will be a waste. Should I call in sick? No, they just did my appraisal, it would look bad. My nose is stuffy now. Maybe I am going to get a cold since I have not been getting enough sleep and my resistance is getting low. The last client appointment is with a mother that really is abrasive and I wonder how to guide the session. What I want to say is....what might be helpful...
It's now 4 a.m. Will I fall asleep at 5? I have to get up at 6. I won't work out. I will sleep a little. Should I go to the spare room and read? I think I am getting tired. Maybe I'll fall asleep now. Besides, my eyes have been closed and my body resting all this time, it's just my mind that will be fatigued. How do mothers do it that have to get up with newborns infants? Will we ever have a child? We missed "doing it" on my fertile time this month. If we do have a baby I won't work, could be make it financially. I think I need to keep working. Maybe this is for the best--not having kids. We have so much freedom. We don't have to worry about the money kids suck out of you. I wouldn't have to worry about what the world will be like when my child is older. I wonder what the future will be like...
ON AND ON IT WENT UNTIL 6 a.m. and I woke up my husband and went on with my day.
I won't be able to blog until Monday. See you then. Have an enjoyable weekend!
Aren't blogs cool! I can get all kinds of things off my chest. I don't have to worry about offending anyone or causing family conflicts or putting burdens on my friendships! Since some people have asked about "blogs" I thought I would share a little history:
In 1998 there were just a handful of sites of the type that are now identified as weblogs (so named by Jorn Barger in December 1997). Jesse James Garrett, editor of Infosift, began compiling a list of "other sites like his" as he found them in his travels around the web. In November of that year, he sent that list to Cameron Barrett. Cameron published the list on Camworld, and others maintaining similar sites began sending their URLs to him for inclusion on the list. Jesse's 'page of only weblogs' lists the 23 known to be in existence at the beginning of 1999.
Suddenly a community sprang up. It was easy to read all of the weblogs on Cameron's list, and most interested people did. Peter Merholz announced in early 1999 that he was going to pronounce it 'wee-blog' and inevitably this was shortened to 'blog' with the weblog editor referred to as a 'blogger.'
What is the purpose of blogs?
The blogger, by virtue of simply writing down whatever is on his mind, will be confronted with his own thoughts and opinions. Blogging every day, he will become a more confident writer. A community of 100 or 20 or 3 people may spring up around the public record of his thoughts. Being met with friendly voices, he may gain more confidence in his view of the world; he may begin to experiment with longer forms of writing, to play with haiku, or to begin a creative project--one that he would have dismissed as being inconsequential or doubted he could complete only a few months before.
As he enunciates his opinions daily, this new awareness of his inner life may develop into a trust in his own perspective. His own reactions--to a poem, to other people, and, yes, to the media--will carry more weight with him. Accustomed to expressing his thoughts on his website, he will be able to more fully articulate his opinions to himself and others. He will become impatient with waiting to see what others think before he decides, and will begin to act in accordance with his inner voice instead. Ideally, he will become less reflexive and more reflective, and find his own opinions and ideas worthy of serious consideration.
His readers will remember an incident from their own childhood when the blogger relates a memory. They might look more closely at the other riders on the train after the blogger describes his impressions of a fellow commuter. They will click back and forth between blogs and analyze each blogger's point of view in a multi-blog conversation, and form their own conclusions on the matter at hand. Reading the views of other ordinary people, they will readily question and evaluate what is being said. Doing this, they may begin a similar journey of self-discovery and intellectual self-reliance.
Excerpts from Rebecca's pocket.
My life, and thoughts have been overly consumed with the housing buying process. I want to shift this. Now it is just a matter of waiting for the paperwork to go through and getting the renters out, then we can move in. I will let myself get excited then.
Some other interesting things: last night while my husband and I were watching Disney's "Great Expectations" with Anthony Hopkins as Magwitch (a favorite movie of mine) the sirens went off in our village. It freaked out my husband. We turned off the video and he tried to find some news about it. It was at 8 p.m. so it couldn't have been a test. When he first turned on the German news he heard about "more terrorist attacks". I could see the shock on his face (how I was on Septemeber 11). Then as he listened, he relaxed because it was in Iraq and not here (Germany) or the states. It just goes to show how uneasy we all are these days in this world. The world will never seem safe like it was when I was a child (or so it seemed).
I guess the media go with what makes a good story--usually the crisis. Unfortunately we become somewhat callous to the news since we see and hear so much. I have gone lengths of time where I don't listen to the news. It is strange to feel that niave too. I am afraid I would miss something important and not be prepared.
This morning I heard on the news about the fires in Los Angelos all the way down to the Mexican border. I felt terrible for those people that will lose all their security. What will it do to the economy--increases with insurances and taxes to pay for it.
The world does scare me with all the wars and rumors of wars, natural disasters and violence. About the only hope I get is through my faith in God. It reminds me of the Bette Midler song, "From a Distance" that maybe getting a far enough perspective that everything is okay.
Okay. Last week it was going to the bank, today to the Notary. We had to have a translator there for my benefit. They went over the contract and spelled everything out in detail. Then they made the changes and we went before the lawyer and signed the document. It hasn't sunk in yet. A friend of ours said you are REALLY married when you buy a house together. One more cord that binds us together. Then they asked about a will & testament. Scary. This legal things just keep growing. Now I have to think about dying and estate etc. I am not ready for that!
I am not going to get too nervous or excited about this house until we know
when we can move in. Then it will be the stress of moving. It will be so nice to be settled once everything is unpacked. In the mean time I have a lot to plan and prepare. I need to ask around for boxes, dejunk further (I only want to take what we use and need not all my extra junk). We need to buy some appliances (washer/dryer/microwave) and a woodburning stove. Of course I want everything to be nice from the beginning but my husband reminds me that we can live there without doing anything if we need to. I just want my "vision" to be realized.
There are a lot of other thoughts to write, but I am still in a state of shock, so more processing to come.
Anybody who knows me very well know that I have wild dreams and sometimes I try my hand at goofy interepation. This morning I woke up from a dream where I was in a foreign land, some sort of city and na~ked--yes, completely bare! Of course I was wandering around looking for my hotel when I discovered my na~kedness. I decided then to put on underwear but didn't have money to buy any clothing. I ran into a gal that was a secretary in an office I worked for 5 years ago. I can't remember how the dream ended either.
When I told my husband I must be feeling very vulnerable because of the nature of this dream, he didn't get it. I DO feel vulnerable. Here I am BUYING a house--YIKES!!! In a FOREIGN country!!! I hope I am not a total, utter fool for doing this. I know others do, and I have my husband who is German to figure out the system, but I am so vulnerable. For a woman that usually stays in control and runs everything this is very HARD. (Just on a side point, I only know to capitalized to get emotional emphasis on words).
I thought I would leave you with this dreamy thought until we meet again on Monday. Happy weekend.
My genetics suck. I have an anxious nature, hense I have not been sleeping very well at night. I know it bugs my husband because in the middle of the night he asked me about it since I was so restless. I try very hard to be quiet and cuddle with my cat, but the time goes so slow. Then about 5 a.m. I am exhausted and fall asleep and have trouble getting up at 6 a.m. The one good side effect--I start losing weight when this happens.
The last time it happened is when we had a 10 year foster child that was very oppositional-defiant. I was constantly on edge--preparing for the next fight (while she tested every limit) or crisis she managed to get started. Now it is the house thing. I wish I wasn't like this, but I don't have any control over it. I used to get up and go to the guest room to read, but I have learned I better not do any house work because my husband will hear. ((YAWN, I better get some work done!))
Okay. We went out last night and did another walk-through with the Realtor and owner. It was funny because, like childhood, everything seemed smaller than the first time we saw it! I was looking with a critical eye because I wanted to list any problems so the current owner will fix them. And good news: the current tennants are extending their tour here so they expect to move. They know that they will have 90 days to find another place once we have bought the house. That is the best that can be done with the timing. I am trying to look on the bright side that it will be less time commuting in bad weather. Today my husband is out meeting with bank today to find the best interest rates. So on we go.
As far as my job...the last few days there have been a lot of troubled teen aged girls. I mean, using drugs & alcohol and being promiscious. These cases require me giving a "lecture" to the teen about the choices--residential treatment or being booted back to the states and probably dealing with the legal system. I don't like doing this and the teens hate that I "threaten" to place them in treatment against their will. We can't have these problems in our host country (Germany) so I have to prevent future "incidents". That is the military policy. I hate to do all the extra work though when we have to transport a resistant teen to the states.
I won't think about this. I have a house to distract me! : )
I must confess something: What initially motivated me to start this house hunting--my grief about not having children. I know myself well enough that if I didn't find a substitute focus I would become what I don't want to be--obsessive and depressed about the fertility issues. I consciously decided to find something I did have power over and work towards achieving another goal.
It has been a very nice distraction...until yesterday. I got an email that my youngest sister (by 15 years) just had her 3rd baby. Sunday was the due date if my last pregnancy had come to term. One friend at work was due a day apart and she is ready to deliver any day now. Babies are coming out of everywhere it seems. So I just smile and talk about my house. It has been real nice. Last night I started crying. This was because I thought the whole house deal was crumbling before my eyes. When I found out that the military won't allow us to remove the renters from the house we want to buy if they have less than one year to return to the states. I don't want to pay for a house and not live in it! My little dream was to begin my garden in the spring. If I can't grow a child, I can grow flowers and tomatos!
I cried last night when I wondered what will happen to me if I can't make this happen either. Since I am 39 years most people will say "you still have time". Others say "There are many ways to be a mother". But I wanted a biological child! Adoption is not my first choice. I don't know yet if I am convinced I want to adopt. I feel tremendous guilt--some self inflicted. If people only realized I didn't ASK for their opinion! I just want to grieve. It isn't just filling my empty arms--it is reconciling a dream I have had for many years.
Tonight we will talk to the current renters and I pray they will want to move and I still feel like I have the power to make some dreams come true.
Things went rather fast last weekend. The realtor pushed to get together with the owners for an official offer on Friday evening. We made a few requests and signed on the line. We now have to get the financing. Here are some pictures of the house. I am amazingly calm about the whole thing. There is one glitch--isn't there always?--there are American's renting in there right now. Tomorrow we will go to the house again and see when they are willing to move out. I hope that doesn't complicate the plans. My husband is in charge of calling the banks and getting apointments set to find the best interest rates. Then we have to submit all their requirements and see what happens.
Yesterday I was on the computer deleting info. I came across this very house we are buying listed for the lower price over a month ago! I should have stuck to my guns to under bid that. I think we could have knocked a few thousand off. It is hard to know, but it doesn't matter now. At least we have a lovely place to look forward to moving in. It is "key ready"--meaning we don't have to do anything to move in. Next year I will work very diligently on the landscaping. I am sure that will take a lot of time and money.
This entry was for yesterday. I was very busy and didn't get a chance to write. However, I thought about what I wanted to "process". We made an offer on a house. This only came after I woke up at 3 a.m. and began obsessing about it. We looked at this place and really liked it (except my 35 minute commute) but were still checking out our other options. This last week the house was listed again but 19,000Euros lower! I thought we better move on it or it won't be available soon. At 4 a.m. I knew sleep was not my friend so I got up and did some house cleaning. Honestly, I was trying to do it quietly but it must of woke up my husband. He was nice enough to stay up with me and process all about it. When I got to work I called in an offer. I was afraid I was making the wrong decision.
This triggered my "trade off" thinking. We all know that there is no "perfect" house, relationship or job etc. It is just a matter of deciding priorities and what you can live with, then making it work. I have come to this "wisdom" through the school of hard knocks. I sometimes get back into my magical thinking that is some perfect thing out there and torturing myself that I didn't wait for it. I know this is bogus.
I know that there would be a trade off with price, location, style or something with a house. I came to the same conclusion back when I was dating and really wanted to get married. I made up my mind what I needed and what I could live with, and negotiated the rest. I know this sounds somewhat calculated, but that is how my mind works. I over used my emotions in making decisions in my younger days and they usually turned out poorly. Now I use my brain to think, then deal with the emotions afterwards.
I grieve the loss of my "ideal" magical world where there is some perfect man, perfect job and perfect home for me. I take comfort in knowing I can be happy in whatever I consciously put my mind to.
I'll write again on Monday!
It is getting so dark now every morning. I think I may have S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). I do so much better with more light. Anyhow, it is getting darker in the evening too. When I get off work I just want to book it home and cuddle with Brutus then wait for my husband to come.
In the past I would go to the gym after work. I find I am not making this happen. Since I need exercise to balance my calorie intake and give me some sanity, I have chosen to get up at 6 a.m. and do a short work out on the cross trainer. I mostly do this (believe it or not) but once during the weekdays I allow myself to be lazy and stay in bed. This morning I was considering it, but my huband reminded me that he got up right away (usually I have to kick him out of bed). So I got up. I always feel so much better when I work out.
I have been consistantly exercising since I was 14 years old. I ran high school cross country and track and even (in college days) ran a marathon and did some triathalons. Not that I am a big jock, I am not! In fact, I am so uncoordinated that all I can do is run. I think I am like Forest Gump in that respect. I don't run now because I am afraid of the jarring of my joints, the dark and being alone. I used to be really committed to lifting weights too. That takes a whole other level of commitment I don't seem to have right now.
Till tomorrow...happy trails!!
I only post on this when I am at work. We had Monday off for Columbus Day. Funny thing, I didn't even think of Columbus or our country at all. I was busy going to banks with my husband and seeing what loans we could negotiate in order to buy a house.
We had talked to friends and had some hints: dress up to make a good impression, bring all information and be tough on the negotiations. In Germany it is very different than the states. It is like being time warped back to the 1950's! There is no 1-800-mortgage or web sites. You have to go in and personally negoiate the terms with the bank individual. The interest rate is what he is willing to give you. His colleagues may give a better one, so you have to go talk to a lot of different banks and people within the bank.
The first place (Sparda) took 2 hours. He told us they couldn't finance 100% (since my money is tied up in $ and the Euro exchange rate is so poor now). He siad he would have to have AT LEAST 20% plus closing costs (another 8-10,000 euros). The next bank (Kriesspasskasse) said it was no problem and we met with him 20 minutes an had a sheet of what he wanted in order to go forward. The third place (Duetsche Bank) took 1 hour and the guy wa trying to sell us life insurance by the end! He wanted me to convert all my $ to Deutsche Bank for collateral.
Needless to say, it is very confusing and a bit frustrating. We don't have a specific house in mind, but spend a lot of time looking and considering. Home owning is just one hassel after another. I just can't see my hard earned money going to rent when I can make something from it!
I was trying to decide what would be another aspect of my life to write about. There are some interesting dynamics in our office. I am the only female with 4 other men. One is a psychiatrist that went to medical school, and two Ph.D psychologist and one technition. The two pyschologist are "bonded" and the psychiatrist is against one of the pyschologist. I sometimes feel like a non-entity. They don't make eye contact with me or give my ideas any consideration in staff meetings. A few weeks back the two men went to war in a staff meeting and I just sat and watched. It was very uncomfortable since I don't want anyone to be mad at anyone else (I am the ultimate peacemaker). But I also took some satisfaction it wasn't ME!! I didn't mediate but wanted to observe to see how men will resolve it.
After the heated words, they started joking with each other. It was dropped. There is still some tension around the office, but it seemed to establish a territory or something. Now they just stay away from the problem.
This made me think how women handle conflict. Usually they are not so direct and will harbor resentful feelings for quite some time, and even try to draw others into it for support. I feel more comfortable with women, but that is just because I have more experience with them. I am learning about men here.
I wonder if others have noticed the same thing.
Yesterday I had a very interesting conversation with a friend that works in our building (in a prevention program for new parents). She has lost 55 lbs. using the weight watchers system and attending T.O.P.S.. Of course I admire (and at times, envy) her. But she paid the price. I remind myself of that every time I feel unhappy about my own body. Weight loss is a bath-tub issue--it will continue to fill (to excess) unless there is a mechanism to balance what comes in and goes out. I have not been sufficiently motivated to be as disciplined as my friend, so I don't get the reward.
Okay, I am off track. What I wanted to get at was that we talked about food games. I told her I had bulimia when I was in High School and very early college. It was a living hell. Yes, you think you can have you cake and eat it too, but there is an emotional price. I was always on an emotional roller coaster. I measured my worth by the food I consumed and weather I looked "good" in my clothes. She confessed she had also been bulimic over the years. It makes me wonder how many are "in the closet". Even though I worked very hard and was able to over come the purging (I still binge on occasion), I have residue food issues.
I am trying to gain some insight to what these are all about. First, I still like to be sneaky about food. If someone has a candy stash in the office I will "officially" ask for some, but find it more exciting if I try to sneak it. Worse, if no one is around I will keep taking. A few times I reralized I had all but emptied the jar and had to run out to replenish it before I was "caught". My friend admitted she did the same thing! We had a chuckle because we were both "stealing" from others candy dishes and trying not to get caught. Well, this made me wonder why I do this. (By the way, the sme thing happens at home except the game is to keep my husband from finding the chocolate stash.)
I am wondering if anyone else struggles with this and what insights/theories they have why we keep doing it? I can't see the forest for the trees on this issue. I don't drink or smoke and I am pretty moral. This is the main area I "act out".
It quit raining yesterday evening in time for us to go look at a house. But it was VERY chilly. We were 20 minutes late to the apointment since there was an accident. We took a tour through the duplex house (built in 2001). I really liked it. It had more storage than I thought and the rooms were workable. We drove home on the autobahn so I could see how long the commute would be--at least 25 minutes (there was no traffic and weather conditions were good) with 34 kilometers one way. It would take us 45 minutes to get to church--1.5 hour round trip. The price is in a good range and it would be ready to move in.
Of course we talked about it all evening and into the night. I couldn't sleep because I was processing it. The thought I had was to see if we could buy the other side of the duplex too. The only delimna is I don't have enough Euros to cover the closing costs and they don't consolidate it in the loan. Right now the exchange rate is so poor for the dollar, I don't want to convert any money if I can help it.
So we are considering putting in an offer. Just to reiterate...the only draw back I can see is the commute. And the winter weather doesn't help me to feel any better about it.
As my friend says...these are rich peoples problems...so I should lament too much.
Germany is a lot like Seattle I hear. Today it is down pouring at a rate that floods the streets. I don't want to go out if I can help it. It would have been a good day to stay in bed with a book and a cat cuddling along side me. Instead I am at work. I work as a child and family therapist for the military community here at Ramstein base. For the most part I like my job. It is hard sometimes when parents bring in their children and expect me to have some magic and "undo" the problems that have developed over years. Some times I feel very focused and on-target with things I say and do, but soemtimes I am human and miss the mark. I am sure that most people don't think of the therapist being human and having on and off days. I can't afford to have a "bad day" so I make sure I get enough sleep, exercise and eat well. I try to get emotional support from friends and colleagues too.
This evening my husband and I will look at more houses. Hopefully by then it will stop raining. Till tomorrow...
We had a nice, but somewhat stressful weekend. Since it was a German holiday we planned to visit friend's in Austria (pictur