This is the second time in the last few weeks where I had a dream about being pregnant and in both of them I was frantic because the baby had died in utero.
The first one I was losing control with medical professionals since they didn't take me seriously that I could tell the baby was dead. I finally was yelling at a doctor saying I would file a complaint he was incompetant for not at least checking into it. I felt hopeless and powerless and beyond despair.
Last night I had one where I was pregnant with twins and was to deliver them but my belly was only as big as it was when Niklas was at 5 months! I knew something was wrong--they weren't growing. I tried to go through the maze of the American hospital since everything was changed since I was there and I couldn't find OB/GYN. I kept telling them my doctors name but found he had moved years ago--so I didn't have a contact or name to throw around. I was desperate and hopeless that I wouldn't have more kids.
Right now I am on my period and I know that being 44 I am pre-menopausal and must be dealing with my grief about my ability to have children. I know it is the right decision that we are fine with our two. I would not even consider pregnancy at my age due to the high chance of a child with serious problems, besides the fact that I KNOW I couldn't go through another miscarriage and wouldn't even risk it.
It is true that in a different circumstance (being younger, not having a child with a disability etc.) I would have had more kids. But my subconscious must really be grieving this.
Posted by Krista at August 1, 2008 09:31 AMOh, that's soooo sad! What scary dreams. I've been pre-menopausal since I've been 14! Or at least, my husband and family think I've been! JK. Lol. But I know what you mean about having more...After we had Laura, Gary really wanted another one, but with Casey's mental disability, I figured enough was enough--why press my luck? By the way, good luck with your lesson Sunday!
Posted by: Jeni at August 1, 2008 09:59 PM