Shooting & a psychiatrist

On the 10th anniversary of the horrific event at Fairchild AF base (24 June 2004) I posted some thoughts and feelings about it. Interestingly enought several people seeking some healing from the emotional scars have contacted me through it. One man was a dorm-mate to the killer and years after he had gotten out of the military and was attending college. When the killings happened at Virginia Tech it triggered his feelings of guilt wondering if he had any fault since he would tease the would-be killer and thought that may have tipped the scale into his actions. Another gal (who was just 5 years old and was injured during the shooting) also commented that she wants to communicate. Little did I think all these years later people would find my blog and I could possibly help them. It also goes to show that years later residue of the event still linger. I also see how this blog can randomly help people.

Meira asked if I ever posted on how the psychiatrist played a significant role in my life, so here it is: After the shooting they immediately transfered some other professionals to fill the slots of the ones killed. I think they chose especially sensitve people too. The psychiatrist and I became friends. Several times I asked him to go out to tell the media to leave us alone. We went on bike rides and had fun together. When he went on a training he left me to watch his cat. He never asked me out (and he was single) and never refered to any other relationships, so I assumed he was gay--and on his last night there I asked point blank and he said he was. After 2 years he was transfered to Turkey. I offered to have him stay in my spare room until he flew out and he left his cat (Mr. Kitty) and some electronic stuff that he couldn't take with him.

Then to my surprise he called me on his morale calls from Turkey and proposed marriage. He suggested we meet and spend a holiday in Europe together to discuss the possibility. At the time I considered it but thought it could never work since he wasn't Mormon and my religious beliefs are such that I always dreamed of sharing that with my husband. I wanted children and he didn't but said maybe we could look into adoption. I didn't really care about the sex part since the companionship is really what I love about a relationship.

Since he was such a dear friend I agreed to go. In 1996 we toured France, Italy and a few other countries. But it was disasterous. I think he was scared and couldn't really talk about it, it turned into him intellectualizing. It must be said that he was far more intelligent than I was and he could run circles around me intellectually which he used as a defense and I felt very hurt because I knew him as a compassionate and understanding friend. By the end of the 3 weeks we were barely talking. It was horrible.

I returned and didn't hear from him and after 6 months I put an ad in the newspaper and found another home for Mr. Kitty and got rid of his other things. Then I heard from him about a year after our trip asking me to send Mr. Kitty and I explained the reasons that I couldn't and never heard from him again. It really hurt since I cared a great deal about him.

Then, after the terrible breakup with another man who I was engaged to(who also turned out to be gay) I was looking for another job. My friend in Germany told me she came across a job that I should apply for. I did and found out that my psychiatrist ex-friend was now the chief (Lt Col) over the flight and doing the hiring. When I got a letter in the mail stating I wasn't selected I knew why. But the very next morning they said there was a call from Germany. It was Brad. It was very awkward and I said I understood why he didn't select me. He said he didn't because there was even a better job for me over here and offered it to me. It was the specialty I trained for working with children and families! I wanted to process and have some healing to what had happened with us, but he wasn't interested and he moved onto Ohio (where he became a full bird Col.) the week before I moved there.

And there it ended. But he played a significant part and I wouldn't have come to Germany or married who I did or have the kids I do if it wasn't for him!

Posted by Krista at September 29, 2007 08:04 PM