I have read a lot of books, studied research and attended conferences on various aspects of human behavior all in effort to understand how to help people in relationships. As I look at my children I can't help but think of some of how they are developing roles and interaction patterns that likely will define who they are in the future. Not all of them are good one, either.
Happily, I see Niklas developing some social skills. He hasn't bit or pinched another child for a while. Although his reputation among peers is still there, and a lot of kids won't play with him. I am feeling better now that he won't develop into a bully. He seems to have empathy and I was told lately that he even brought some cars to a boy that was crying in effort to comfort him. He says hello to most kids now when he first sees them and even as we pass people walking.
Jenna, on the other hand, seems to be setting up (not due to any fault of her own) to be defiant and oppositional. I can tell with myself and see with Günter and even Oma that people are starting to tire of her constant refusal to cooperate--even with the smallest things. I am the first to admit I have felt quite angry with her defiance. Just one small example is how I tell her to stay away from something and she will walk backwards slowly and look at me in the eye the whole time as she inches towards what I told her not to touch. Andthis goes on with tantrums if I must change her diaper (and she WON'T use the potty), get her dressed, put on shoes or jacket, or have her eat (even the foods she asked for she refuses when I get it). I am positive this has a lot to do with her inability to communicate fully. Her signs are limited and she is sloppy with them so often I misunderstand (like this morning when she made the sign for cookie--I thought--and said no, but she really meant plate). Günter is getting so impatient with her too that we, the two people that should help and love her the most don't want to be around her. I feel really guilty about it. This weekend with Oma the samething happened (as well as when her cousins stayed here for a week). Even though she is so cute, she is moving into a role that will not be good in the future. It scares me because I seem to be reinforcing it by getting upset with her. I don't like getting so mad at her all the time and then she sees Niki gets all the positive attention since he is cooperative.
I wish I could change the role she is etching out for herself.
Ugh. Jenna, Jenna, Jenna . . . I so wish it could be easier for her, and for you.
In the meantime, I will bury my head in the sand, and hope that maybe this is part of being 3.5 -- I seem to recall it was a really rough couple of months at our house. I'll cross my fingers on it.
Such a tough age. I may have asked you this before (and forgive me if I have but I honestly can't remember) but is she still receiving speech therapy?
Posted by: Missy at September 25, 2007 07:50 PMBoy do I know exactly the feelings you are having with Jenna's situation!! We had one of the worst days ever yesterday (thanks to Mr T) just b/o the cummulative affect such behavior has when you're dealing with it day after day after day. I don't even think we realize until a limit is reached and such things as patience and tolerance fly out the window. Fortunately things were better today and we didn't have to live in an emotional slump. I'm sure you are like us --- constantly pondering, trying new things or saying things differently or just doing anything to make a positive difference. LOTS of trial and error and at times you feel like nothing works. Frustration is real -- for child & adult!!! You're in our thoughts.
Posted by: Dana at September 26, 2007 05:03 AM