My family's genetics is riddled with depression/anxiety and I inherited my share. It took me a long time in my adult life to even figure this out, then accept my problems and finally get some treatment for them. At least in this stage of my life I know the signs and signals to look for. For me, depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand and usually I get irritable depression (where I whine and can't be happy about anything). I got myself on some meds but they don't seem to be helping much or my stress levels exceed the seratonine added...
Depression doesn't make a lot of sense from a logical point of view, so I can't even tell anything that justifies it, but I have a chemical makeup that predisposes me and sometime I let my thinking (and feelings) slide on down into the abyss. I did that lately. My anxiety is what I can really identify quite well and usually figure out what to change.
A good friend loaned me a book "The Liars Club" to which I escaped a bit but it was a book that is a memoir of her life with her unbalanced mother and alcoholic parents. It is told from her perspective as a child. I was in awe that anyone lived in such a crazy environment, even though I know people do all the time (from when I was a therapist the truth is more bizzar than any story). The book had an odd effect on me besides being enthrawling, it made me connect a bit with my craziness inside and the shadow came out more.
Beyond that, it was just hormonal or chemical or something because I had two nights of insomnia (one night with NO sleep and another with very little) and stewing a lot about some situations I am in that I feel caught between keeping commitments and wanted to move away from the things that cause the stress.
On Tuesday I was so upset after I came home from a meeting I lead and I even vented to a friend for an hour about all the things that are upsetting me. I want to quit the group (weight loss) but have this nagging voice from my adolescent years with people accusing me that I run away from problems, so I am afraid to leave in case it proves this. But I came to the conclusion I simply want to quit. I have felt this way for month but hung in there thinking it would get better but now the scales tipped (no pun intended) and I decided it IS time to step down and move on. I don't want it to drain me and I do have choices.
Today I met with one member of the board and told her and she was disapointed, but supportive and I (reluctantly) called the other member and told her. She was okay about stepping up as the leader. It is a relief just to know I did this even though I feel guilty. I still will have to face more when I tell the group on Tuesday and tonight I have yet another phone call to make to the last person. But I am telling myself to grit my teeth and get through 2 more weeks and I will be free. That will free up a lot of stress.
I still have the kids, my marriage and church things, but I can deal with them.
Plus this next week Günter's niece (13 years) and Nephew (16 years) are coming to stay and I am NOT looking forward to it. The boy always complains to his parents he is bored and I hate it that I feel somewhat responsible to "entertain" them. I can't just have my normal routine when they are here and I will have to cook different too.
Tomorrow we are meeting Günter's family for a get together with all siblings and families. I won't comment on that because I will be speaking from my dark side.
And my base ID expired and I didn't find it out until 2 days before and it take 2 weeks to get a background check and have another one (good for a year). So to even go to the group on Tuesday I must ask someone to sign me on (which I HATE).
With that I will sign off and go escape...
Posted by Krista at August 31, 2007 07:34 PMKrista--I'm glad that you decided to step down as leader of your group. I hope that it brings you some relief from your current stress-level. I have often found myself in situations like that where I feel guilty about quitting, but I am so resentful of the obligation that my participation is benefiting neither myself or those I am supposed to be serving/helping. I think you absolutely made the right decision.
Good luck with the family events... that can certainly be stressful, but I hope that you can enjoy them. Maybe you can suggest to the parents of Guenter's niece and nephew that they bring something to do--books, games, etc. Just remind them that you have a lot of pre-school friendly things, but not much for teenagers. That might more clearly shift the burden of the kids entertainment away from you. My mom is always a great example of a hostess who doesn't get stressed out. She just welcomes everyone warmly--shows everyone where things are--including the pantry and fridge--and says only half-jokingly... "You are welcome to what we have, so if you are bored or starve... it's your own fault." Of course, they prepare some meals and plan activities, but they want everyone to know that they are here to enjoy their company--not be their activity directors. Anyway, this is a really long note. SORRY. I hope things get better for you.
Posted by: Anna P. at August 31, 2007 08:37 PMSorry things are so rough right now. I got this book on CD by John Bytheway called How to be Totally Miserable and find Happiness in the process. It is VERY good and he is funny too. He takes it all from a sarcastic point of view but the message of Happiness clearly gets through. The CD is much better than the book because of sound effects and stuff like that he has on there.
Anyway, you should have called me when you were up all night since that is my daytime. As for your neice and nephew, just keep reminding yourself that you will not take on their problems of not being entertained. Provide books, movies, games and maybe something else and then DON'T guilt yourself. It is up to EACH of us to make our own fun, including them!
(((((BIG SQUEEZE))))) I love you!!!
Posted by: Kari at September 1, 2007 01:43 AMI can completely understand your ups and downs considering all the plates you are trying to balance plus the additional social engagements. If you're like me --- even though the social stuff provides great balance and fun times --- it can also seem like 'one more thing' at times when you already feel stretched thin. I'm glad you have one less worry with your weight loss group resignation. And then the base pass situation!! Oh no! I hope the process goes smoother than last time! The CD Kari recommended sounds great -- John Bytheway always has good things to say. Rest well my friend!
Posted by: Dana at September 3, 2007 04:19 PM